Think I am dead now.

[MrBond]

"I can't shut my mind off. The more I try the more I think about it every minute of the day."

Get HELP. Even if it's the medical kind for now, although in your case I really don't suggest it since you've got an addictive nature. Do something that will keep you busy and your mind off of what's going on.

Run, meditate, pray, whatever. Just something constructive rather than destructive like drinking.