You're both right: trying to reason with these people is like trying to reason with a teenager who just wants what they want. Even if they stand there and pretend to listen all that's going through their heads is, "Blah, Blah, Blah...." What good does it do to try to correct their way of thinking? None.
It's is a difficult position to wrap my mind around.
How do you 'set them" free and not be concerned about what they are doing to themselves and the family while continuing to put the effort into exposure; gathering intel and anything else that is directed at 'saving the marriage'? Seems very conflicted.
To want to save the marriage you must clearly have a desire to have W back. (Maybe not-is that the point?)
If you don't want W, then why save the marriage?
Or is it just releasing them from any attempt to "control; direct or save" them while continuing to remain committed to the idea that the M is still the best thing for "the family members"?
It's an odd theory to grasp.
Or is it how I feel right now. As in, clearly, what she is doing now with OM and to the family is irresponsible and this is NOT a person I want to be married to. Am I stuck on the idea that she is still the same person I married? (I still believe SHE is in there somewhere)She is obviously NOT that person.
Are my efforts toward the M (where hers are away from M) simply for my own benefit in that I need to have the opportunity WITH her (after months of no contact with OM) to prove through MC, etc, that the M is NOT rebuildable and we should actually D?
How do I frame these two seemingly incongruent intentions? Save a marriage that requires them and let them go at the same time?
Or have I been phrasing the second intention incorrectly? Is Letting Go not about releasing THEM but realizing that WE need to let OURSELVES go?
"I do not want to divorce but if your decision is that you don't love me and haven't since 2007, then I deserve better and I need to move on"
A statement like this is clearly not a tactic to keep them. It is me releasing ME from her not the other way around! Is that what we're aiming for?
Apologies if this is "Brain drool" but I need to think my way clear of this crossed-purpose conflict
All I can do, if she doesn't say "M", is tell her:
"Then all I have to say is this. I will not live in an open marriage. I will not hide your lies or affair. They are disrespectful. I will send you info on a few mediators I have looked into. XXX is the best choice. I will set an appointment for as early in August as possible to draw up our Separation Agreement. I should have all my banking and documentation gathered by then. You should, too. Divorce is my last option. It is clear that it is your first and easiest. What you are doing to this family is irresponsible. But if this is your decision, then you will own it. Perhaps one day we can be friends.
I have to go out. See you later."
Yes, it's the highly-coveted "Puppy's 4 Whistles Award!"
I'd like to thank The Academy; and my parents, of course. My D, and where would I be without "my fans". A special thank you to PDT (you know who you are) for walking me to the edge and giving me the "push" to leap.
