I posted this on my thread alittle while go and thought it might ask some questions and provoke some thoughts here, too.
How do you 'set them" free and not be concerned about what they are doing to themselves and the family while continuing to put the effort into exposure; gathering intel and anything else that is directed at 'saving the marriage'? Seems very conflicted.
It is. That's why I've told you you need to pick one approach or the other. All of this "analysis" time would be better spent on GALing and doing legal research, CD. You can analyze the various approaches 'til the cows come home, but it's best to just pick one and DO it.
I also think that where there's infidelity involved, it's best to try Allen's approach first.
The beauty of going "Allen A" before you go "Gucci/Robx" is that you can still play the "Setting them free" card if the first doesn't turn them around.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
When I say my W is free I don't mean she is free to do anything she wants to. As far as her life is concerned, it is no concern of mine. But I do have boundaries.
I will act if her actions have a negative impact on my kids, on our ability to co-parent or a negative impact on a part of my life she has no business being in.
She can't bring any man into our house (right now we are rotating in and out of the house while the kids stay there as we fight over custody)
She can't treat me like a doormat or abuse me. She can't endanger the health or well being of our kids. etc...
Her personal life is hers and has nothing to do with me. I don't concern myself with it anymore.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I also agree with Puppy. At the stage where there is infidelity involved I would definitely take the bust it up approach. After a certain point though the affair has no impact on events.
My W and I are physically separated; I got served D papers; we are fighting over custody. I have signs she has someone. So what. It has no impact on custody or a D in my state. It's her life, she can do what she wants. I don't care whether she has someone else or not at this point - it's irrelevant only because I have detached from her. Hope that makes some more sense.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
My W and I are physically separated; I got served D papers; we are fighting over custody. I have signs she has someone. So what. It has no impact on custody or a D in my state. It's her life, she can do what she wants. I don't care whether she has someone else or not at this point - it's irrelevant only because I have detached from her. Hope that makes some more sense.
i thought detachment was loving them from a distance/hands-off approach. knowing you cannot control them but it doesn't mean you stop loving them.
Aggressively work to bust the affair with everything you've got: confrontation of the cheating spouse, exposure to key family and other influencers, gathering intel to confirm the truth of what's going on, strong legal stance, etc.
Allen A posts prolifically over on the Infidelity forum. Just a casual reading of a half a dozen or so of his posts will give you a feel for the approach, as he's very methodical and consistent.
When I say my W is free I don't mean she is free to do anything she wants to. As far as her life is concerned, it is no concern of mine. But I do have boundaries.
I will act if her actions have a negative impact on my kids, on our ability to co-parent or a negative impact on a part of my life she has no business being in.
She can't bring any man into our house (right now we are rotating in and out of the house while the kids stay there as we fight over custody)
She can't treat me like a doormat or abuse me. She can't endanger the health or well being of our kids. etc...
Her personal life is hers and has nothing to do with me. I don't concern myself with it anymore.
Understood. That sounds like a very healthy way to look at it.
My W and I are physically separated; I got served D papers; we are fighting over custody. I have signs she has someone. So what. It has no impact on custody or a D in my state. It's her life, she can do what she wants. I don't care whether she has someone else or not at this point - it's irrelevant only because I have detached from her. Hope that makes some more sense.
i thought detachment was loving them from a distance/hands-off approach. knowing you cannot control them but it doesn't mean you stop loving them.
the example you gave above, is beyond detachment.
Where in there did I say I don't still love her? I wish her well. She's the mother of my children. She was my spouse for 9 years. I have no control over what she does, nor would I want any. Control is an illusion.
I'm not sure what a hands-off approach is. I can't see how a hands on approach would be healthy - I'm defining hands on as somehow trying to get them to be/do the way you think they should be/do.
I'm not sure what lies beyond detachment. I guess it would be an aggressive approach to make someone's life miserable?
I face the facts. She doesn't want to be with me. She wants a D. She may have someone else.
What's there for me to ponder and think about? Seems her position is crystal clear.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
If you need somebody, call my name If you want someone, you can do the same If you want to keep something precious You got to lock it up and throw away the key If you want to hold onto your possession Don't even think about me
If you love somebody, set them free
If it's a mirror you want, just look into my eyes Or a whipping boy, someone to despise Or a prisoner in the dark Tied up in chains you just can't see Or a beast in a gilded cage That's all some people ever want to be
If you love somebody, set them free
You can't control an independent heart Can't tear the one you love apart Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live We can't live here and be happy with less So many riches, so many souls Everything we see we want to possess
If you need somebody, call my name If you want someone, you can do the same If you want to keep something precious You got to lock it up and throw away the key If you want to hold onto your possession Don't even think about me
If you love somebody, set them free.
Buenos Dias Amigos
Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
