tired of this

[A_goodman]

Postscript:

Ok last night I hammered my last post out on my phone sitting in the bathroom after my post-workout shower. (not proud of it, but I needed to make sure I didn’t get busted on this site. Don’t really want W to come across all this and blow my cover) Anyway, while I was trying to correct all my typos, she storms down the hall and bangs on the door. Askes if I’m EVER coming out. She needed in to wash up for bed. I thought she was already sleeping. Anyway, she made a rather rude comment and I told her I’d be right out.

When I came out, I went down the hall and told her: “I would appreciate it if the next time you are upset about something, you will come tell me BEFORE you get angry so that I can act appropriately.” MAN, the sh_t hit the fan. She was fired up. All kinds of venom spewing. I need to work on being more effective in this, but I did not back down. I told her that I asked a reasonable request and that I would not accept or tolerate her behavior. That, if she doesn’t let me know she’s getting upset about something, I will not take responsiblity for her anger. I realized that my voice had risen to meet hers and I eventually told her that the discussion was over. Which did not really shut her down all that much. I just kept repeating that I was done discussing it. Eventually she went about her business and I went to bed. Was I calm? No way. I was hopped up on adrenelin and had the “jimmy legs”, but I tried to not show it or take the bait. I had tried to leave the scene after my pronouncement, but she followed me to the kitchen. I now realize I should have walked out of the house,but I was in my skivvies and didn’t want to get locked out that way. Plus I’m not savvy enough to recognize when I’m getting in too deep before it happens. I will start taking pauses before I respond to things. Regardless, It felt good to not be the doormat or rise to her level in the argument.

So she shut herself in the bathroom and I tried to calm down and go to sleep. It was a long time before she came out and I was still wired. She got into bed and I did not acknowledge her. After a long while, she turned towards me and made contact with me. Soon she scooted over and was basically spooning . At first I thought it was incidental, but I soon realized she was awake and it wasn’t by chance.

A LOT of thoughts were streaming through my head. I wasn’t sure if this was a turning point or a new angle. I remembered telling her earlier that whatever affection she wanted would have to be initiated by her. So I rolled over and looked into her eyes. They were sad and sincere. The empathy I felt was not a technique. It was real. I get it MP. For the first time, it wasn’t about me and I really understood and felt real empathy.
I felt very sorry for her at that moment. I put my arms around her and held her close for a long time before telling her that I finally understood. I told her I didn’t get it before and was sorry for not believing she was really in pain. And that I was sorry for making her feel this way. That I never would have acted or failed to act in ways that hurt her if I had known. I told her it wasn’tuntil I actually let her go that I stopped feeling like a wounded animal all the time

Eventually, what came naturally before came back to us for that one moment in time. It was the first time in over a month and the first time that it felt right, not forced or tentative since this whole damn thing started in March.

I’m not Pollyanna. I am reading NOTHING into it and expect nothing to change, but it was wonderfull. Actually by the end, I had become very emotional. I remembered reading somebody’s thread on here. It was a lady who had a WAH who changed his tune, but it was too late. One of her posts was about ML to him after she had let go fully and knowing it would be the last time ever. She said it was sad, but as good and free as old times. She called it a wonderfull closure to an important time in her life. Whoa. We said some strong things to each other in our earlier conversation and truthfully, I was very doubtfull that we would ever be able to meet each other’s needs/boundaries and reconcile. So as it was coming to the end, I was contemplating whether this was actually the bookend to our R. The lady from the post was right. It was sad, but also a high note to go out on.

I kissed her tenderly this morning and told her thank you for last night. In my mind, it was thank you for these years. I don’t know what will happen, but I’m ok with it. Yes, I love her. Yes, I want to stay married to her and grow old together. But if it doesn’t end up that way, I’m ok with it. I think I can now be empathetic and also confident that I don’t want her so badly that I want it over her happiness and my own. I hope this peace stays with me.