I think I've detached enough to see past wanting her to 'cave.' I'm just sad that what we did have was lost; irretrievable now. When I get my lowest, it's because of my needs, but I don't think that's all bad.
I don't want her to do what I want for me/because of me, I want her to want me. To share our children's lives together in a loving home. To share our lives together.
She talks of being friends, and sharing our lives, just not romantically. I don't know how realistic that is, nor how healthy it would be for me, the LBS. But as coparents, there's a huge attraction to it. The friendlier I am with her, the more involved we'll both be with our daughters, and that has to be a good thing, right?
The pain and grief is so strong! I'm obviously not detached enough, but how can you detach from the fear of losing someone in your life. I feel like I'm melting. Like despair has won.
For all of you who are in pain. Trust your friends to lift you when you're down. I was at my lowest not 3 hours ago, and two friends helped me catch my breath, talked me off of my panic. You're not alone! Even when things are darkest, there's someone out there who loves you and will help you laugh when your soul wants to wallow in self pity.
"I need to know what you would considered "having tried". Does it mean months of counseling, does it mean you think we'll only be done if I fall in love with you again? What? I hesitate to ask because I don't want to give you false hope, but sometimes things are so overwhelming I can't think straight. This may be guilt and fear talking, I don't know. I know I spent a lot of last night feeling like I was destroying everyone's dreams with my selfishness. I want the people I care about to be happy. I need to sleep a little more so I guess I'll see you when you get home."
My W said to me, "What's the sense of going to counseling when at the end I'm still going to say I don't want to be married to you."
You know what made that all the more shocking? She's a licensed therapist who does relationship counseling. Yup. Tore me apart. As if wife beaters and serial adulterers were entitled to a chance to repair their marriage, but I wasn't.
She's drowning PH. The potential loss is real, but the words are not. You can't let her words control you.
We had another very good weekend. She asked if I would like her to help me work in the yard. This time I said yes. She's trying now, too.
There's hope for change even when they say there isn't.
(As as aside, I had to learn that not only am I the type to not ask for what I want, I frequently will turn it down when it is offered.)
Yeah, I can understand her a bit more. She wanted to escape, and never really thought of the consequences, just wallowed in her perception of freedom. She used our initial MC sessions to validate leaving the M. Now that she sees the emotional cost to me, our children, the damage to our finances, and what life will be like when she's living where the "grass is greener," she's scared to death. Literally paralyzed.
MakingProgress - You're right. She's trying to rewrite history so that she feels better about leaving. I guess I do the same thing to make myself feel like she should stay. She's immature and spoiled, and I've been too.
She'll say stuff like "I know you don't want me to be around," knowing full well that I want the opposite. She has no clue how much this hurts me. Last night I woke up (again) in the middle of the night, and the first thought I had was "she's leaving."
She wants help in figuring out all the finances, where she should live, how much she can afford, it's driving me crazy. We're so in debt, and she won't be able to pay for any of it, yet I feel like I need to help her out with paying for a good apt so my daughters don't have to live in a sh#thole. We want joint custody, but she still doesn't make enough working fulltime to pay for all she'll need.
I don't want my daughters to suffer; but how much should I be willing to help out? My faith also tells me that my wedding vows don't end when she leaves me, so it's hard for me not to want her to be ok. I mean, I love her, and want her to be happy, safe and secure.
I'm just confused. I need to detach more, but I'm a wreck. The only thing working right now is my exercising and faith. Yet I feel tested every moment I'm awake.
