You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting day. How do you know if antidepressants work? I'm trying St. John's Wort to smooth the highs and the lows. Yesterday my L had a pre-trial conference with STBXW's L. They don't like the settlement amount. The fight is over $5k. In some cases here that would be small potatoes. In our case, it's a big deal because all we really have is debt.

Anyway, I thought about it a few times yesterday but didn't obsess, so I guess that's progress.

Girls are still sleeping so I'm enjoying some quiet time. No email from L yet on the conference. I'll post when I know more.

Yesterday, D11 and D7 and two friends and I sat around most of the day, then hit the library. I dropped D7 at the friends' apartment and took D11 to tuba practice and then D11 wanted to hit golf balls. She wants to keep trying sports to be closer to me.

Then we picked up D7 and the friends again to go swimming at my uncle's house.

The friends wanted to stay the night -- again -- I said no. I wanted some peace. It was a good decision. Both girls were tired. D11 spent most of her time watching TV downstairs and D7 watching a movie upstairs and I just kind of rotated.

Weird night. Had a very vivid dream of a coworker. Then woke up in a melancholy mood. Not sure why but I was thinking of when D11 was born. We waited a couple of years to have kids. When we decided to try it was great. It made sex seem important, not just a need, but something to do to accomplish a goal.

When STBXW got pregnant we did the Lamas classes. It was a difficult pregnancy. She was pre-eclamptic and on bed rest the final three months. I had to read to her stomach every morning to get D11 to kick 20 times. I came home for lunch every day to make STBXW lunch and take her on a short walk to the creek in our back yard so she could feed the ducks (it was the middle of the winter).

D11 was two weeks late coming out and STBXW went into the hospital at 9 a.m. and D11 didn't come out until just before 11 p.m. Long day. I still remember when D11 came out they kind of pushed her across STBXW's stomach and she said "it's a baby."

According to STBXW's revised history, she started having doubts about the M six months in. We didn't have D11 until nearly three years in. I know she loved me then so when she says things like that it chips away at what was a great moment.

I so want to find a healthy relationship, one more fulfilling than what the M turned out to be. But the girls are always going to be a complicating factor. At a marriage class I took after we split up the pastor explained that the Wife has to be the central relationship. She comes first and the kids come second.

I didn't do that. The kids came first and STBXW came second. I see why that's wrong and I wonder if it goes back to my own parents' divorce.

But what happens when you do find someone else? Now is that person your No. 1 priority or are the kids -- who never wanted mom and dad to split up in the first place -- the No. 1 priority?

I can see why the statistics say more than 70 percent of second marriages end in divorce. You have people who aren't good at marriage in the first place trying again usually with the complicating factor of existing kids.

I'm not sure what we'll do today. Tomorrow is Great America so I don't want to tire them out too much. Tonight they stay at STBXW's so I'll see her ever so briefly for the third straight day -- ugh. But after tomorrow I shouldn't have to see her again for five, maybe even 12 days depending on whether she plans on picking the girls up from camp next week.

That'll be interesting if she does because D11's camp ends at 4 p.m. every day. It's on STBXW's side of town though. If she does pick them up then I'll just put in extra time at work. A big project that I'm central in rolls out Thursday (and I won't be there because of vacation).