Early Parole from the MLC Chain Gang?????

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Thinking of saying we need to talk

we need to talk

I simply CANNOT think of one single time anything good came after saying or hearing those words...can anyone else?

Miss, I get the feeling that no matter what anyone says, you already know what you are going to do...I also get the feeling that you are going to provide a cautionary tale to the next guy who thinks laying down a boundary on his wife who may or may not be dating but is close to the day she can file for a D is a good idea.

Boundaries work when you can enforce them, boundaries are great when they are wanting to work on a realtionship....boundaries almost always backfire otherwise.

Boundaries because you are hurt or pissed off?

[beingreal]

Just chiming in with total agreement with True, Eric & Jack. After what she wrote, I think that anything you say can be misconstrued as reactionary or as pursuing--doesn't matter what it is.

So the best bet is to go with your guy, give her some version of "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I can see why you wouldn't want that to happen" and leave it at that.

You said it before--she needs time to miss the R . And her H. Give her all the time she needs.

You've already come so far... don't chase her back into the tunnel.

You are doing better than you think you are. hang in there.

((hugs))

[bradley11]

miss her-

I am probably the last person in the world who should be giving any advice...

but I know how you feel.

and you cannot see the forest for the trees.

and from the outside looking in you need to drop the rope, GAL, and start working on a life that does not NEED your wife.

it took me a few months but right now the amazing thing is that I do not ache for or need my wife. I am ok and happy on my own two feet. I think this is a really important place to get to. how did I get there? by going out, meeting people, and building a life for myself where my emotional needs of having friends and having people want to be with me gradually took the place of that void that was left by my wife leaving me. yes-- just hanging out with other people can fill that void. then you are no longer needy... no longer pining.

once you reach that state you gain incredible strength. with that you can see a life without your wife... and dude? the really weird thing is that you reach a point where you can objectively say.. "I can take her or leave her. I will be ok either way. It is a win-win situation!"

so I don't know how my sitch will turn out. all I know is my wife seems to be essentially begging me to come back. and I feel very detatched, actually, from that phenomenon. I am really trying to figure out what is best for me... and what is best for my boys. I am trying to compartmentalize the relationship I have with my wife (which is pretty much dead-- anything new would be just that-- new).. and the relationship I have with my boys.

my take? I wouldn't call her, text her, or email her. I would start to find new friends, people to be with, re-create Miss her-- or realize that you are a good dude who people will want to spend time with as yourself... at the very least this has been very important for me to reach this point.

good luck bro,

B

[MHL]

Thank you everyone for the responses. If there is one thing I have learned through this mess is that if you are unsure of your path then seek counsel. The people on these boards are incredible, the support and understanding that is here is amazing.

I have grown enough through this process to not over react anymore and take my time, which is exactly what I did tonight.

My wife called to see where I wanted to meet her to drop off the kids and I was upbeat and positive and did not say anything about the email.

When I arrived at the location, she was there waiting and as we pulled up she got out of the car. We got out the kids said hello and got in her car and we breifly talked about when and where I would pick D13 back up to come home.

After that I said to her.....

I got your email today, I am glad you brought that up. I am going to bow out on Thursday so you can have some more quality time with the kids. I am going to be out until about 10 pm or so that night so if you want to come back to the house and hang out with the kids afterwards, you can, so you don't have to bring D13 back down here.


That was it, I smiled while I was saying it and it felt right. My W actually had a surprised look on her face when I said it. I said goodbye and wished them all a good time tonight, turned and left.

I think that going forward I am not going to do so much as a family anymore, not eliminate but just a little less. I am still going to be friendly and nice.

I will post more tomorrow about how I am feeling but for now everything is fine and I am okay.

[seeking answers]

MHL,

I think you handled that very well. I also think you gave your W some things to think about.

You stepping back some and giving W space to see what she would miss if she decides not to come back is the best thing you could do at this point.

[ericmsant2]

Missher

You sound good dude. I am SOOOOOO proud of you man. Your doing everything right. Tomorrow I am going to raise my glass to you my friend.

I am know that you are worried about the upcoming court date. As hard as it is put it out of your mind. The legal piece of paper DOES NOT define how much you love her. It does not define your M. It does not define the times and years that you guys had together. It is just that...a piece of paper.

Love...Love...Love... I am not sure what your beliefs are - I have a saying that I refer to often. I actually have it tattooed on my arm....."Love Conquers ALL" - It does.

Love is patient, Love is kind, Love never seeks to hurt, Love looks to build up, Love is (and everyone hates this one)..LONG SUFFERING. As Paul, of all of the gift from God Love is by far the strongest one.

Now...as much time and energy you are spending on your wife...do me a favor...post what you have learned about yourself, how you have grown, where you still need to grow. What changes have you seen in yourself that you are grateful for? Tell me a little more about Missher...Missher the man...Missher the guy who has reached down and realized the errs of his ways.. Tell me about that guy! I bet as you post it...you will see just how wonderful you are. Guess what...she will see it one day. She will dude. I am almost sure of it.

God Bless,
Eric

[LanceSijan]

Hey is everyone getting together for Little Friday online tomorrow?
Last week was kind of slow!!!!!

I will try to be there for the third week in a row.

[MHL]

Hope and Expectations

I have had time to reflect more on yesterday and I do not want to blow one email from my W way out of proportion, however it sparked some more growth/ movement along my journey on my part which is really more important and what we focus on here.

Knowing that I still need advice/help and guidance I reached out to several of you yesterday and you responded with truth and sincerity and really appreciate your caring.

Mach, SA, Grit, Jack, Eric, Breal, Bradley
Thank You.

We constantly say to each other “keep your expectations down” or “don’t have any expectations”, I have embraced that and understand that, I have learned that expectations on the part of the LBS are very similar to the sense of “entitlement” that the MLCer often has in our sitches. When we keep our expectations in check or not have any at all we demonstrate to ourselves that unconditional love we have for our wayward spouses.

Can Missher still love her even though she may be stuck in MLC for a while?

Can Missher love her while she is with someone else? Can you? Is this something that Missher really wants? There is no shame is saying YES - I know how much you love this women.

My Answer here is yes, and without expectations but not without Hope.

Hope IMO is different than Expectations and I realize I can Hope that my M is restored, I can Hope that my W comes out of her fog, I can Hope that my W will rediscover her love for me. My Hope is what drives me to continue to stand for my M and yes, love my W unconditionally.

I think she is feeling pressure from you based on the events of the past month.

I really think giving her space right now is best...I know that is not what you want to hear or do and you know I know how that feels.

Agreed Grit……I think last night after I digested everything, I moved the detachment needle a little more and I realize that I still love her the same if not more. I think it is a far more loving act to “lovingly detach”. I find myself loving my W in a more mature/ unselfish way today,…….loving her from a distance.

Things feel different today, I feel a little numb, not numb from pain, but from not feeling anything……..maybe indifference?

Does indifference = acceptance ???

I want my M to survive but if it does not I will still love her. I think that I accept the fact that I love my W no matter what, I can not kill that feeling even if she chooses divorce. Maybe that is acceptance, still letting it all soak in.

Grit you have said it before this is a process……

I think I felt the gears of the process move a little bit yesterday…

Whatever you do...do it from the heart. Not from fear or worry...just the heart. Do this and no matter what you do it will be right. Why? Cause it will be from YOU - the real YOU - the new YOU - the YOU with no mask.

I think I faced the “fear” yesterday and “I” won, that was a battle not the war. I don’t think the war ever ends, to battle and overcome our fears will be part of what we do for the rest of our lives.

I struggled with a What does Missher really want for HIS life? And I mean really want. Don't give me one of these cookie cutter DB type responses. I mean really what do you want.

That is the question isn’t it? I can honestly say right now, I just don’t know. This is really where I need to look. I need to release the “hold” button on my life and reassess what I want. I suspect I will want the same things that I wanted before with my W, I know there was doubt that I could accomplish these things without my W. I need to look at what I want again and chart “my” course to reach those things and make them “my” reality.

I am figuring out that I don’t need to answer the question of whether or not my M is going to make it in order to pursue what “I want” out of life. I need to give myself permission to pursue my dreams and move forward. If at some point in the future my W wants to hop back on that train, it does not matter if that train has moved down the tracks little bit, the fact that it is moving again is what matters.

Cheers.

[LanceSijan]

Well said MHL,
stay out of the shotgun store.(inside joke)

[Truegritter]

I realize that I still love her the same if not more. I think it is a far more loving act to “lovingly detach”. I find myself loving my W in a more mature/ unselfish way today,…….loving her from a distance.

Man you got it.

You just got it...

You saw it last night when she responded to you.

She is expecting to be fighting your WILL which comes under the guise of love.

And you gave her compassion.

Understanding.

Let this be the expression of your love and watch it flourish in your R.

I think I felt the gears of the process move a little bit yesterday…

Absof@ckinglutely my friend!

Now this feels good this thing you have discovered yes?

Let it sink in and be part of you.

No one can tell you about this.

You have to experience it to know it...

Good step for you.