What to do now is the question. I am fine with her keeping the house if we divorce. Currently SAHD/farmer, selling off them farm equipment, something we has discussed before anyway, and planning to go back to work.
I am currently in the guest room, W in our room. Since she says I am controlling and she needed space I left the bedroom. I can't see how I can go back in now, but if that's what I need to do I will.
Also, should I actually move out before the D is final (once I get a job) or is there more advantage to staying here. As I've said before I do not want to divorce.
I *might* be able to find a place to rent before hand and part of me says that's what will be best since she insists she will not work on it.
This is probably the ONE THING in all of DB where there is unanimous consensus. When she asks WTH you're doing, say "I decided there's no reason I shouldn't sleep in my own bed. I'm more comfortable here." If she says that she's not comfortable with YOU in there, calmly say "I understand, but you don't have to leave. But it's your choice -- I'm staying here."
This morning I finished the chores early and was in the house when she came down to leave for work. I just sat there watching the news and she comes in and starts conversation.
I needed more coffee and while I was in the kitchen she came in and sat at the counter. Imediately I noticed the rings back on her finger! She took them off Friday and had not worn them since. She also had on the same low cut top as she had on last week when we argued, but this time she had a little shirt on under it to cover the clevage. I did not comment, or act like I noticed either, should I have? Also, I checked her phone last night and there were no odd numbers since last week, and one to the MC at 11 yesterday.. not sure what that means if anything.
We discussed things we need to sell still and then she pointed out that we can't sell the extra stove or fridge since I might need it when I move out. I just let it go, no comment or reaction, at least I think since she did not look at me funny after she said it.
Do I still move back to the bedroom or will that just be more fuel for her "controlling" argument, and what will it do to what seems to ba a little progress?
I took D to the store and when we got home W was home from work. W came over to me as within minutes to ask how it (MC) went. I gave a version of the letting go speach. Told her I understand what I did to her and that is all cycled out of control. I had no desire to control her but was hurt by her actions and responded in kind. Her response - "that's why I'm not sure I can get over the past", now this is the first time she has said "not sure" instead of "can't". Told her I would be moving out as soon as I can, she said there is no reason to right away...
My situation is very similar to this. My W gave the whole "I don't want to be with you" and the re-writing of marital history all being bad. It turns out she was an EA with OM. My guess is your W is onto you checking into her EA with this OM and is feeling guilty about it on some level. She probably thinks that even though she like the EA, it might be the problem that tipped the boat over and is buying time to see what happens with you and the OM. If the OM doesn't work, she has options because you haven't moved out yet (hence, no rush). Just my observations.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I don't know what others here will say, but discussing future finances and selling of assets probably isn't productive to your R and M. The next time she brings it up, and what worked for me, should go something like this:
W: I think we should talk about selling X. H: Hmm. Really? W: Yes, I think we should because of XYZ. H: I'll have to think about that. W: What's there to think about? It makes sense. H: Maybe so, but I'd like to think about it.
The longer you don't talk about these things, the more it becomes less of a priority. I made the mistakes of laying out all finances and custody arrangements, etc in the beginning, and I wish that I hadn't.
Also, do NOT move out of the house. That's your house too. You're not the one who wants to leave (same as the bedroom). If she doesn't want to be with you, make her leave. You're not the one creating conflict now.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Do I still move back to the bedroom or will that just be more fuel for her "controlling" argument, and what will it do to what seems to ba a little progress?
You move back to the bedroom because it's The Right Thing to Do -- irrespective of how she feels about it.
In fact, this is a one of the keys to successful DBing, period -- Do The Right Thing, and not worry about their reaction.
Now, in this case, you have a side bonus that she will respect you for the move (may be angry at first, but in the long run, she will respect you for it), and since women tie their feelings of love very closely with their feelings of respect, it will build love toward you. But that's not why you do it.
I took D to the store and when we got home W was home from work. W came over to me as within minutes to ask how it (MC) went. I gave a version of the letting go speach. Told her I understand what I did to her and that is all cycled out of control. I had no desire to control her but was hurt by her actions and responded in kind. Her response - "that's why I'm not sure I can get over the past", now this is the first time she has said "not sure" instead of "can't". Told her I would be moving out as soon as I can, she said there is no reason to right away...
My situation is very similar to this. My W gave the whole "I don't want to be with you" and the re-writing of marital history all being bad. It turns out she was an EA with OM. My guess is your W is onto you checking into her EA with this OM and is feeling guilty about it on some level. She probably thinks that even though she like the EA, it might be the problem that tipped the boat over and is buying time to see what happens with you and the OM. If the OM doesn't work, she has options because you haven't moved out yet (hence, no rush). Just my observations.
I don't know what others here will say, but discussing future finances and selling of assets probably isn't productive to your R and M. The next time she brings it up, and what worked for me, should go something like this:
W: I think we should talk about selling X. H: Hmm. Really? W: Yes, I think we should because of XYZ. H: I'll have to think about that. W: What's there to think about? It makes sense. H: Maybe so, but I'd like to think about it.
The longer you don't talk about these things, the more it becomes less of a priority. I made the mistakes of laying out all finances and custody arrangements, etc in the beginning, and I wish that I hadn't.
Also, do NOT move out of the house. That's your house too. You're not the one who wants to leave (same as the bedroom). If she doesn't want to be with you, make her leave. You're not the one creating conflict now.
thanks everyone. I KNOW I would have done the exact wrong thing in all these situations if I had not read what I did before it got any further. I just wish I had know about this place last week, then again, I didn't know needed it last week.
when is it ok to start with and being nice, I guess I need to let her come to me first. Stay distant and unreachable correct?
