Heartbroken and needing help!

[ericmsant2]

Irish

I have never posted to you before and I have not read thru your thread so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I don't want the pain.

None of us do. What helps me is the old saying...no pain..no gain.

I don't know WHO I am anymore

Maybe you don't but you can sure hell find out. Look past the pain for a second. Look past the hurt. Take stock of what type of person Irish is. I bet you will find that she is stronger than she thinks. You can do this girl. Com'on. Yeah this sh*t is hard but at some point in the future it will get better.

Wondering if H is mentally ill, sex addict, or MLC or all of the above. If he's in MLC - what stage?

Ask yourself this question...if I am really looking and working on me..does it make a difference what he is.

He walks around very sure of himself - completely detached from me and our life together.

Oh...I know this so well. Yep they seem happy, not a care in the world, everything is just f'in peachy. I am not going to sit here and tell you that he is in pain. Nah...enough people will say this to you. What I guess I will tell you is this...if he is happy - why aren't you giving everything you have to being happy yourself? Why not stop looking at him for a day or two or three and just really do something for you.

Infrequently texts kids regarding surface things

You know what he will pay the price for this later. It really is not your problem. You be the best parent you can be to the kids and leave him to his "supposed happiness".

Everything you are going thru is normal. You are still in shock. You still hurt, you want to stop. What I sooooooo want you to understand is that you really determine when this stops.

Do you know why we tell you to detach...so that YOU do not HURT. The more hurt you inflict on yourself the longer it will take you to heal. See Irish...you need to let him go completely. You need to just really love him from a distance. You need to really just focus on your healing. As hard as it is - it can be done. It must be done. Stand up girl. Say F' it - say today I am not quiting...not quiting on me.

Do me a favor...send me a list of all of the wonderful things about YOU.

Then please...do a favor and find something to make you smile. I don't know anything. Try doing an underarm Fart thing (remember that from school)...try looking up jokes on line. Go out and smile at someone. Irish - it may not seem this way...but life is waiting for YOU.

God Bless,
Eric

[imLIN]

No gut instincts that it wasn't over...but I was in disbelief and at times just couldn't bring myself to admit it was over...then something would happen and I would hit bottom...thinking that he was really gone...for good, gone...

I didn't want to be done but at the same time I struggled with my ability to forgive and live without having skeletons fall out of my closet...

IB...my H also messed up earlier...his was on the internet...EA with many OW...I found out quite by accident and just about threw in the towel...it took a long time to get over that but before long time to get over that one...I thought he would never do it again...he did and escalated to a PA and leaving me (something he had promised he would never ever do)

I believe this was the beginning of his MLC...the pause was just a quiet storm waiting to explode when it could no longer be kept quiet...and sure enough it exploded!

I realized that it had very little to do with me...yes, I had faults and I needed to make personal changes...but his issues were way bigger then my faults...and only he could work on them and in hindsight...he did us a favor by staying away...his life wasn't as perfect as he led me to believe while he was gone either...I don't think many of them are as they lead the LBS spouse to believe...

[irishblessings]

Eric,
I could not take what you say with a grain of salt. Your posts on other threads have been so helpful to me. You are down-to-earth and I appreciate your insights.

You are also right about my continuation of concentrating on H's actions. I feel so much better when I stay away.

Wonderful things about me...
I am funny, get along with almost anyone, patient, accepting, good mom, survivor - up until this point have always been able to make the best out of any situation / hard worker - thoughtful - generous.

Your advice was great - did make someone smile - felt good!

[irishblessings]

imLin -

I appreciate you sharing your experiences ~ they sound very similar. As I was preparing things for my attorney tomorrow ~ I was reviewing journals and such over the past 6 months. I realize that I need major healing! I know that he has to go on this journey and I know that I have to be out of sight while he does it ~ I'm just trying to figure out the balance. Should I text or email him once a week regarding updates on house and S? He typically doesn't call the kids - but he'll text them maybe twice a day. To be honest - I'd rather never text or email him unless an emergency.

How detached did you get?

[ericmsant2]

IB

I know you addressed your questions to IMLin BUT I wanted to respond.

I realize that I need major healing!

Yes you do. IMO the only way that really happens is when you can truly step away from HIS crisis. Step away IMO is limit contact, do not even try to initiate a convo, if you see him in person leave him be.

Should I text or email him once a week regarding updates on house and S?

No i would not. If he asked you to and YOU feel like doing it then yes...send him a text otherwise let him go. Now I think the bigger question I have for you is "why DO YOU feel the need to text him weekly"? Is this your way of keeping a pulse on what he is doing? If it is, then you are relying on tactics to get him back instead of working on yourself and becoming the best person you can be.

He typically doesn't call the kids - but he'll text them maybe twice a day

Have you ever did or accepted something that you knew was wrong when you were a kid? Like...getting a extra quarter back from the cashier at a store. Did you give it back? If you did not, did you noticed that you tried to avoid that cashier. Your H may not want to talk to the kids because of guilt. This is his issue not yours. Separate the R between you and your H from the R between your H and the kids.

IB - I feel for you..please take care of yourself. In those moments of hurt...of anger...of pain...Pray, read and just stay relaxed.

Finally, since you said you were funny could you do me a favor and send me a good "yo mama joke" as well as a good "husband or wife" joke?

God Bless and please keep your head up high.

Eric

[irishblessings]

Eric -
Thanks for the thoughtful response. I will try to find a couple of jokes to send your way.

The texts or emails once a week were just an update on kids/house/etc. The kids are old enough to communicate with him on their own. You are probably right about his guilt ~ I often get lost in the exterior "king of the world" behavior and don't think about the internal illness.

Filing for LS "should" give me some of the structure I need for better detachment. It's a crazy thing - as I was going through my notes and documentation for the attorney ~ it really appears that one day we were hard at work on our marriage and feeling good about doing the right things and the next he is gone and COMPLETELY cut me and our relationship out of his life. I'm still stumbling through the shock stage I think. I know grief isn't chronological but I am trying to maintain an awareness of where I am in the process. Thank God I have my S with me and we are beginning to develop our own routines. We are even getting a puppy when we return from FL. He (and I'll admit I) am excited!

Thanks again Eric for your insights! You are a great resource!

[seeking answers]

Irish,

I just wanted to stop by and wish you luck at the attorney. I think you are doing the wise thing by protecting yourself and your S.

MLCers are unpredictable and the things you thought your H would never have been capable of pre MLC can leave you spinning if you are not prepared.

The selfishness and entitlement on their part can be jaw dropping and some LBS don't prepare in time.

Good on you for getting past the shock enough to realize the sooner you circle the wagons the better things will be for you and S no matter the outcome with your H.

(((Hugs)))

[punkin]

Good luck. Did you write down the important stuff. Like- He pays for all attorney fees. Also, it's always a good one to say he has to keep you on the life insurance policy. You never know when you'll get hit by a bus.

[ericmsant2]

IB

Glad that I can be of some assitance. Yeah the legal stuff really stinks. It does. This is going to be an interesting time for you IMO.

You are going down the legal path right now. You are still angry and a little hurt. So what are you going to do? How will you react to him and his Attny?

Try to keep yourself grounded. Think about who you really want to be. Think about how you would like this process to go. Then think LOVE.

What is it?
Can you Love someone that is kicking you?
Can you really forgive?
Why should you forgive?

IMO - continuing to love him does not mean that you lay down and allow him to stomp on you. No. Loving him IMO is trying to understand what he is going thru. Trying to understand that right now he feels he needs to move in another direction. Right now...we'll he lost and doesn't even know it.

Whatever you and your attny do...my adivce would be to be "fair and just" - no more - no less. Just be fair. Do not expect that if I do "this or that", that he may come back it may show him something....No...just be true to who you are. Be true to your kids.

"With love..." always with love....

Finally, don't worry about the spinning and the pain - at somepoint it will go away or get easier to deal with. I also want you to think about YOUR future. What does it look like? Who is in it? Can you really forgive H after a D? You know I have been giving this a lot of thought lately. Getting D is not the END. It is a begining....a begining that could or could not include your H. Cool thing...it is YOUR choice.

IB - take some time to heal sweetie...take as much time as you need. Look up and know that whatever is happening is happening for a reason and maybe...just maybe...that reason is to show you true love, true forgivness, true HOPE.

Never loose HOPE...Hope that is in YOU and what YOU want.

God Bless,
Eric

[irishblessings]

Thanks everyone. Made it through attorney visit. She was great. Basically - my state is a no fault state so if H wants a divorce - he can get one. Legal separations here are good for only 1 year ~ she said that again if he wants a D then we would just be back here and paying again in another year. She suggested a "provisional divorce/disillusionment" - basically if we set up the terms - she files the provisional and it stays that way until someone basically pays to finalize it.

I called H to see if he had created any kind of "proposal" ~ he was curt and said that HE went to an attorney yesterday but that the one he went to wasn't able to file in our county. (Y?????) He said he wasn't comfortable putting HIS stuff out there. I said I understand and that I was just following through on suggestion of my attorney. Said if we could agree outside of their office - then it would cost less. He softened a bit. I asked him when he could have something. He said probably tomorrow. I asked if he was in a hurry because I have work, getting S and myself ready for FL trip and then heading to S's tourney. He said he was fine to let it wait. I'm letting him drive my car down to FL (S and I are flying) - his car is in shop. (doing this for S)

Now what I need to work through are my religious views of filing a "provisional divorce" ~ or as my lawyer said ~ if he wants it let him get it. And right now he doesn't have the $$ to do it. But then I'm worried about if he takes on more debt or gets in trouble with the law through his extra-curricular activities.

Lots to think about ~ but can give myself time. I went and got what I needed - information.

Felt a little stronger today ~ actually fell asleep on my own last night (ok ~ I did have a beer) ~ but I slept for longer periods of time.

Thanks to you all for helping me through some really rough days:)