you make me laugh... you talk about these things (wanting to be with someone) as if they are like... I don't know... knowing how to play guitar or something-- something that would distinguish you from someone else.
but I'm fairly sure-- except for Ted Kazcinski-- 99.999 of all normal human beings feel exactly how you feel. that you want a companion with whom you can share your life.
This whole thing for me has been transformative in that I used to be a bit of a loner. now I don't really like being alone, don't mind crowds, say hi to strangers, and cherish the friends that I have because I realize when someone wants to be your friend its really a gift. I spent so many days and nights in total and complete isolation that I had all the alone time I could use for a lifetime.
are things better with my wife? well... you can check my sitch if you like and judge for yourself.
I pined and cried and died for my wife a year ago-- for about 6 months... then after all the abuse and mind games I think I just kindof got tired of feeling that way and I moved on. I took control of my life, my finances, my decisions and found ways to fulfill my emotional needs that did not include her.
This last month has been the first time that I have been happy in a really long time. some of that is luck with things going well with my job which gave me some satisfaction and security... but a lot of that is just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to make my life resemble more the one that I want. and time does heal. I was able to get over the loss of my marriage... and the needyness that I had for my wife for basically all of my emotional needs. now I can fill those needs with all the people around me at work, my new friends, and the time I get to spend with my 7 year old twin boys. I've got them for the week at the beach and we are having a blast.
the very odd thing is that my wife says she wants back in... now she is broke, living in another state, and probably hitting rock bottom in her MLC thing. she already tried this once (and we basically didn't go to court as I have a suit against her for custody). she came and lived with me for 5 painful days and then left, I believe assuming that I had dropped the suit... which I didn't. took my boys away again. we have another court date on tues. I'm not dropping it this time.
She seems to really be struggling at this point. there is a small part of me that feels compassion for her-- but there is a big part of me that wants her to experience this so that she realizes a few things... that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. that you cannot abandon people, betray them... and have there be no consequences. but I also think without a safety net she can face truth and face reality... something she has been running from for a while now.
