I am fairly new to this site and have really only posted a few times. Long story short...H left right after Easter when I found text messages indicating an emotional affair. He had been indicating he was unhappy in M for the past year and left several times, only to come back within a week each time. Was never willing to talk about the apparent problems or go to any sort of counseling. The emotional affair turned physical, of course. In late May, he ended it with the OW and came to apologize to me saying he wanted to talk, spend time together, and see where things would lead with us. I of course wanted this more than anything. Despite the fact that I was reading DBusting, I can see now that I made several mistakes, pushing him for R discussions and such, which just added tension and fighting. Around the 4th weekend it appeared H might be pursuing something with another OW, which he denied, stating they were only friends. While I was on vacation with children last week, I found out that he was indeed with the OW2 and had been staying at her house all last week.

This seems to be the sign of the end for us. He is staying there almost nightly, and even worse is the fact that I considered her a friend. They also have not been quiet about it, as her children know about it and so does half of our small town. Our own children had to be told then so that they would not hear about it from someone else. Our oldest is only 9 and this is not how I would have ever wanted this to be. I believe in keeping your dating separate from the children, especially when you are still married for God's sake. H says he doesn't consider either OW actually cheating since he hasn't been living with me. UGH!

So, unfortunately, it doesn't appear that any amount of DBing is going to work for us, and I have to accept that. I have tried to stipulate to him that the children should not be having any overnight visits with him at her house and that when he has the children on his weekends he should be staying at his Dad's house which is where he officially moved to in April. I don't know if it is within my rights to stipulate that, but it seems in the best interest of the kids. Of course, I realize I cannot really control what goes on during the days on those weekends he has the kids and know that they are all planning on trying to do something fun with H and our 3 kids and OW and her 3 kids. This is less than a week after my children have even been told. Makes me ill. He has, for the time being, agreed to my stipulations, though, so I guess that is good.

Now onto my questions. We had previously talked about a dissolution rather than a divorce as we felt that we could agree on everything. We had also talked about doing it ourselves. There is no property to divide, as we rent the house and he wants nothing in it. There is no debt really, as we had to declare bankruptcy 2 years ago due to job losses for both of us. He pays me child support faithfully and visitation more or less is working. He has agreed that we can put into the dissolution that he won't touch my retirement as I have a retirement through our state teacher's retirement system. He has a very small 401K that I don't want. I have a consultation with a lawyer tomorrow who of course says that it is too risky to do even a dissolution on your own. I am curious to know what I have to risk, and maybe others on here can offer me that advice also. I live in Ohio and it appears that is a split fault and no fault state. The lawyer stated on the phone that I could file for D instead on grounds of adultery but there is nothing in our case for me to really gain and its his experience that even when filing on grounds of adultery that the judges around here still grant the divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences so that one parent is not labled and adulterer, and I do understand that. He says that we can put into the dissolution papers that there will be no overnight visits at OW house until dissolution is final but that H may not agree to sign it. Could of course file for D and lawyer says that judge will have no problem granting those stipulations until D is final.

Also, is the fact that H can't come up with money for either D or dissolution anytime soon. I have always said that I don't want to shell out money for something I never wanted, as I always wanted and hoped we could work things out. Come September I can pay for D or dissolution either way, but it still sort of burns my butt.

Although I have had some very very low moments and some of those have been during this last week when I found out about betrayal of a friend as H's new OW, I am doing better I think now. There have been some very scarey moments for me when I didn't think I wanted to go on, but I have 3 daughters and always have to remember that. And, I have also started to realize that though I am lonely now, I have been lonely for a long long time now while married to H and him living here but spending no time with myself or the kids. I can't remember the last time he complimented me, held my hand, or made me feel that I came anywhere near first in his life. While there are moments that I feel that maybe I somehow failed him and made him treat me that way, I am also trying to believe in myself again and believe that I do deserve better. His own sister, who is ironically my best friend, reminds me constantly that while she loves her brother, he hasn't been a good H to me in a long time and that I do deserve better than that. God bless her, as I know it is beyond difficult for her to be in the middle and be my supportive best friend and also supportive of her brother whom she also wants to be happy.

Anyway, sorry this is so so long. It has been a long and very painful many months, and I am still very sad that it has come to this, but don't see any other way. So, I am looking for any advice and insight you all have. I don't know if this is where I should have posted, but it seemed more fitting as at is apparent that we are heading into the final chapter of this marriage.