I think it sounds great, CD! Will probably lift a few lines from what seems inevitable for me to deal with in a few weeks.
I just want you to make sure you have some things in your back pocket so you'll feel confident no matter what she says that you have a response.
I agree on leaving out the "maybe we can be friends one day" part. You want to exude quiet confidence! Like, You know something she doesn't and you're not telling."
Have you read the "Boundaries" thread on Newcomers? Pretty good.
2) Seemingly POSITIVE ones. So long as they are still in contact with OM/OW and lying to their spouse about it, these are all "bullchit spin" at best, and outright GASLIGHTING and LIES at worse. And the problem is, the betrayed spouse inevitably sees this as "baby steps!" and true marital progress, when they are no such thing. They can lead to horrible strategic and tactical mistakes, esp. if the BS doesn't have a good intel system in place. Reading my old journal yesterday, I was BLOWN AWAY at how stable I was able to be in the face of my wife's deceit, simply because I HAD INTEL TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE. This can't be overemphasized.
WOW...this sure does apply to my sitch! This is exactly where I've gone wrong because H has been acting/talking positively and I made the stupid mistake of assuming we were working on the M just to hear him say he still saw no hope the other night. (Well, maybe a slight chance... woo hoo.)
Puppy - sure would like you to expound on that or show some examples so next time I don't get sucked in! (On my thread though perhaps so I'm not disrupting CD's.)
I think having a good defensive statement will be important for you, CD, knowing that you feel some guilt for not having addressed issues in the marriage earlier. If she brings up any of that, you have to not be caught off guard and go into guilt mode. BTDT, got the shirt! I think you already addressed that but just making the point here. The problems always come for me when H is sounding reasonable and "right" because there's a shred of truth in what he's saying. Maybe, "I take responsibility for my past mistakes. However, nothing I did or didn't do is cause for destroying a family. I am certain of what I want and how I want it in the future and fully prepared to get that for myself."
She will try to deflect but you just have to be ready to turn it back on her.
Remember, she's had all this time to justify and rationalize her behavior. You cant take the bait and get into arguing with her. I like Puppy's point about "agreeing" rather than "validating". Did you read that? I'm not even sure which thread it was on.
She may be angry (on the offensive) or she can possibly even by smug and self-righteos, like she's done nothing wrong. Either way it's a defense mechanism so don't let anything she says get to you. (Easier said than done, I know!)
Or, as I'm sure PDT will tell me, validating what she is saying (while knowing it's BS )though it may be indeed what she is 'feeling'. It's just being misinterpreted in her P.E.A. fogged mind.
That has been very difficult or me too. I have been quiet so much about things I wanted to call her on, but it would have done me no good because she would just "justify" her actions and disagree anyways. I did not want to argue over what could not be changed.
I guess us LBS need to do this to protect ourselves.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
