WHY DO WE DO IT?

[navajo]

Actually, Nav, you did damned good. I'm proud to know ya.

Especially "I can't be friends with you" part. I know that wasn't easy, but it was necessary. I had to tell my wife the same thing. That if she chose to end our marriage this way -- by cutting and running, having an affair, and then lying to everyone about it -- that I had absolutely no intention of being her friend, much less her BEST friend, because friends don't treat each other that way. However, if she chose to end her affair, and end all contact, and come back and work on the marriage (incl. MCing) for some period of time, say one year ... and if that doesn't work out then ... then yeah, we could probably be friends.

That -- she told me when we reconciled -- was what shook her up more than anything. She told me she missed our friendship, and what I had said to her made a big difference.

This probably won't make you feel any better right now, but you DO realize that at least you have some CLARITY here now. I mean, if this WERE "just a friendship," do you REALLY think she'd be ending her marriage, and giving up 50% of her time with her kids over it??

Nope ... she's in DEEP, alright.

Puppy

WOW! Thanks Pup. I figured I had mangled it sinnce I was just freelancing it and putting together some of the ideas/methods I found here that fit.

It was hard, but i really think that it all has to do with where you're "at" at the time. I'll admit i found myself getting worked up and nervous on the way home, but pulled myself together before i got here and realized that I have nothing to fear. It is a boundary that i MUST set and whether she comes back or not is out of my hands. She is truly free to do what she wants to from here on (R wise, NOT children wise).

I am going to talk to her again later this week about her interactions with the children. My D fell apart last night and said she doesn't feel like her M cares any more. I know this is mostly hurt feelings and the fact that they've always butted heads (too much alike) but she needs to understand that right now they both need us to be strong and calm. Wish me luck!

Yes, I have total clarity now. It is really hard to believe that the NOTION of someone else could replace our m and the kids... I mean, there isn't even anything physical (so far). I guess I'll never understand the addiction aspect.

Anyway, thanks for helping me out with this sitch as well as making me think further and look deeper into myself in the past few weeks. I'lldef buy you a beer or 3 if you're ever in VA!