I'm here for just a little bit...what is on your mind?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
thanks for staying you two. I have been getting lots of feedback from the guys but it's nice to get a woman's perspective too. At least I think you are both women..not sure why I just assumed that. So what do you guys think of my predicament?
I have been having a rather tough time lately. I came here today to read and just get a feel for what I'm doing wrong, right and what's normal to be feeling.
Not sure if you two have read any of my stuff these past couple of days..but I have been panicking pretty much every day. Looking at his face and the way he's acting, he just seems to be planning some bad thing...and feels guilty for what he's doing or going to do. And it scares me. He is home, has been for almot 3.5 months..says he's trying, but he doesn't appear to be doing much of anything but waiting for something. I can't for the life of me figure out what. it just doesn't seem to be good. If he was trying he would be talking to me, including me in his plans for the future, making plans with me for when he quits his job as he tells me he's going to almost every day.
What are the best resources you have read to better understand MLC? I have read DR, A woman's guide to changing her man without him knowing it, a link from cadet about detaching, lots of stories here, bits and pieces from the millions of self-help for your marriage books I have ( none of them ever go into much detail about it)..was at another midlife crisis forum and never posted because they seemed a little volatile there, and tried to look it up on the internet. There really isn't much about it as far as I've found.
I am going to tell you again....stop focusing on him. You need to focus on yourself. You are trying to analyze everything about him and to be very, very frank, you can't and trust me, the answers will not come. Why? Because he doesn't know what he wants either.
In your h's mind, he is trying very hard to be there and be a part of your family and your life. Unfortunately, his emotions have been stuffed completely down within him and he doesn't feel the way he thinks he should. Is he waiting for something? Most definitely. What? Don't know, but your situation is very similiar to what I experienced 11 years ago, without children.
My xh left and returned within several days. He was home for 7 months and all the while telling everyone that we were working on gettings things back on track...unfortunately he spoke french and I didn't, as there was no "we" in the equation. I jumped through hoops to change everything under the sun just to make him happy....didn't work...the next day it was something else and finally, I had had enough. I started living my life. One day, I made a very simple comment about something and he said he had thought about leaving after Christmas....I left it at that and after a good night's rest and working the following day, I opened that cage door and forced his hand and practically shoved him out without a net. He left again 2 weeks after I told him that I thought he should go at that time and not wait until after Christmas. Yes, my xh was waiting for something...he was waiting for me to open the cage door and shove him out. He didn't want to walk out and look like the bad guy. I, on the other hand, was very upset about the entire mess for a while, but once I got my sea legs back, I was on the move ensuring that the assets were not spent and I made darn sure I was not robbed by the very person that I had trusted for 25 years. Today, as I look back, I'm not sorry for openning the cage door and shoving him out....I regained my self-worth and I'm very happy w/who I am.
Taylor, that's my story and what I did is not for everyone, but I didn't allow fear to win and I made sure that I stayed two steps ahead of him when it came to the finances and taking care of myself. Each person has to find the right balance. What I did was right for me and my situation. You will find your balance, but you must face your fears and beat them.
My advice is to live your life as if he's going to walk out that door and never look back. Get yourself together, sit down and write out a proposed plan on how you are going to take care of yourself and your family. Set some goals for yourself and most importantly....FOCUS ON YOU!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
L, To be honest I think a lot of what you are feeling and doing is fear driven. You are so concentrated on the what ifs with your H that it's paralyzing you. You have no way of knowing what the future holds or what your H is going to do, or cooking up in his whacked out brain.
You have to take that focus off from your H and put it where it belongs, on you. You have to formulate a plan for yourself. You can not stop your H in whatever it is he's going to do so you must look out for yourself.
Moving forward doesn't mean you move on. It doesn't mean you stop loving your H. It does mean that you love you enough to step back and protect yourself from your H's antics.
Have you done anything to protect yourself financially? MLCers are notorious for spending money like mad.
MLC is a long journey. Remember it's not about you. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. You can however, fix you. You can develop a game plan to see yourself through your own journey. You do have a lot of choices on how your going to help yourself.
Have you delved into the MLC archives yet? Lots of valuable info in them.
Snodderly..thanks for sharing your story. What is your xH doing now? How long ago did it happen and do you ever talk? What kinds of things did you do to ensure that he would not be robbingyou?
Taylor, As SA has suggested, you need to read the postings in the MLC Archives. You will have ample information at your disposal to help you better understand MLC.
MLC is a part of our current generation of baby boomers. You see, long ago, people didn't live much beyond 40/50, so there wasn't much discussion about mlc and also if people were aware that something was not quite right, they didn't discuss w/others, i.e., they turned a blind eye to it.
In the last several decades, people are living longer, communication about such things is more open and jokes are being made by many, both in person, on the radio and TV about it. MLC used to be considered the gold chains around the man's neck and the bright red convertible, etc. No one looked closer at it until the 70's/80's.
I do think that as the next generation comes along, there will be even more information available and just maybe a pill or something for those who feel the urge to return to Oz. Time will tell on how the next generation handles it.
Utilize the resources that are available here. They are all at your fingertips.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Taylor, I have very little contact w/my xh and do not wish to have any more than that. He married his affair partner and I suspect it's not a happy one just by some things he has slipped up on saying. His journey actually started in 1998 and he's still stuck, as far as I can tell.
What I did to protect the assets:
1. I contacted the credit card companies and advised them I had lost our joint credit cards. I requested that the balances be transferred to new accounts and had new cards issued. I did this after he stuck me with two huge bills on two cards. I eventually paid off the balances and cut up the cards.
2. I removed half of what was in the checking and savings accounts to new accounts in my name.
3. Whatever utilities that I could change into my name, I did it.
4. I set up a new auto insurance plan in my name only and removed my name from the joint one.
Does this now give you an idea of how to protect yourself?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Seeking..I have looked at quite a few of the archives. It seems that the majority of people here do not have success stories at least sucess in getting their marriages back. Success in moving ahead and having a good life, but not so much with their spouse. That is disheartening.
As for protecting myself financially, well he works, I don't. the money gets deposited into his account (which I have access to) and I transfer funds into my account as I need it. I have not abused this nor has he stopped me from doing it. We are both being very conscientious about spending right now. So that's good. But he could cut me off at any time..he could walk away and tell me to take care of it all and he's done. if that happened, I would be in deep trouble. I have been trying to find a job for a couple of months now. I'm still waiting to hear back from some of them. That would help as far as my finances. But i would not be able to afford the house if he didn't help. We pretty much have all of our money tied up in the house.
Sometimes I think he is just trying to wait me out..instead of the other way around. Wait until I have had enough and tell him it's over. He seems to be getting what he needs..me at home keeping the house..other women providing the excitment and sex. I think he feels sorry for me that I love him so much and want to stand for the marriage. At least that's the look he has on his face when he does meet my eyes..which isn't much anymore.
L, I know this sucks, and no one is telling you to give up hope.
The best thing you can do is prepare for what you'd consider the worst case scenario and then whatever happens can be dealt with having a plan in hand to move forward with.
