Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[PMA_Baby!]

and round round we go back to COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY and REBUILDING TRUST. Like already mentioned. Time to get off this rollercoaster. Unless you like throwing up.

[eeyore_no_more]

and round round we go back to COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY and REBUILDING TRUST. Like already mentioned. Time to get off this rollercoaster. Unless you like throwing up.

Agreed.

[PMA_Baby!]

Hate to make light of this Suma, but all the classic signs are there for her manipulating you. When you get close to the truths she "throws you a bone" by giving you affection.

Break the cycle by telling her HOW ITS GOING TO BE. TAKE BACK THE POWER AND CONTROL. Tell her that YOU NEED TIME TO THINK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. That TRUST is CRITICAL in a R and M and she HAS NOT DONE ENOUGH to PROVE HERSELF to YOU. SET YOUR BOUNDARIES FOR HER GAINING BACK YOUR RESPECT and STICK to them.

[john28]

Hang on a sec. I have this dead horse I need to beat for a sec, then I'll move on...

Other than her word, how do you know the EA is over? Your game plan is MUCH different if she's currently having an affair.

I haven't seen anything so far in this thread that says she's remorseful about the EA, just that she's sorry you got hurt by finding out.

If you have intel showing you it's over, then absolutely, put your Big Boy Pants™ on and give her the space she needs to get over him and work on her feelings for you, without any R talks or pressure for affection.

If you're just going by her word that she'll be EXTRA GOOD this time (pinky swear!), she's just stalling until she figures out Plan B.

I have checked up on her email, phone, and inet history logs for about two weeks. She is clean, and I work in technology. I'd know if it was "too" clean.

Up until about two weeks ago, she hadn't said she was sorry about the EA (in fact it didn't end until around 7/4), and I pointed that out to her. She claimed she wasn't ready to say that. A day or so later, she approached me and said, "In the efforts of starting over, I am sorry that I lied to you and hurt you and went behind your back with this EA." Now, she did say that at a very emotional time and whether she meant it or not, I'm not sure... but the good intentions were there. She is remourseful in my mind.

[PMA_Baby!]

But didnt she say those things before? If everything is fine why are you here then?

Break the cycle.

[eeyore_no_more]

You said earlier today that she wasn't willing to show you her phone, and you didn't have her FB password. Has that changed?

FB chats don't show up in the browser history.

Also:

- Does she chat over AIM or Skype?
- Do you own a webcam?
- Have you checked for deleted pictures on the digital camera or sent/deleted items in her email?
- Does she have a Twitter account?
- Does she have a secret disposable cell phone or an email address you don't know about?

What happens around the house when you're not home? Just a few weeks ago, it was a secret playdate with OM.

I'm not trying to beat you up, Suma (much...), but Puppy, PMA and I are trying to warn you about the elephant in the room. You need to have transparency and trust before you can give her space, otherwise you're just going to be back here the next time you stumble across some evidence you didn't think to look for.

Honestly, do you really feel safe around your W right now?

[john28]

FB chats don't show up in the browser history.
--- Yes, I know. But, she is not friends with the OM on facebook, I know who he is, thus chatting is impossible.

Also:

- Does she chat over AIM or Skype? ---no I found her chats were limited to gmail chat only, and emailing and phone calls.
- Do you own a webcam? --- yes I do, and she has one on her computer as well. I suspect she had webcam chats with OM.
- Have you checked for deleted pictures on the digital camera or sent/deleted items in her email? ---- Yes, and I found the playdate pictures. I checked the Metadata on them and they were dated 6/4/10. So, the playdate was about 6 weeks ago. I confronted her on the EA on 5/27/10. Bomb dropped 6/20.
- Does she have a Twitter account? --- No. Checked into this actually.
- Does she have a secret disposable cell phone or an email address you don't know about? ---No disposable cell phone. I've checked all our banking transactions including "cash back" type availability at the grocery store, etc. Looked at reciepts as well. I have access to all of our accounts. She was using her usual cell phone to contact this person. She DID have an email address I didn't know about, but we went into it together and she deleted it completely in my presence. I've checked for anything contrary to her having another email account very deeply and haven't found anything.

What happens around the house when you're not home? Just a few weeks ago, it was a secret playdate with OM. ---- The playdate was on 6/4/10, before the bomb. I wasn't clear about this before.


Honestly, do you really feel safe around your W right now?
--- I guess that's the ultimate question in all of this. Right now, I feel safe around my W. Maybe I got carried away with asking for everything when I was sure she wasn't doing anything. She has given me no reason to be suspicious in the past few weeks.

[john28]

Update this PM:

Came home a little early to pick up my S to go play golf, he enjoys it. Woke him up from his nap but he takes a while to get up. I went into the bedroom to say hi to W who was reading a book in bed. Said hi, and she engaged me in conversation with "how was work today?". I understand from these boards that is a way to explain to her all the things I do in my day to make her feel a part of it, so I told her about some problems I solved today, and others I didn't. I burried my face in the pillow jokingly about my day in frustration, and she reached up and starting rubbing my head. I let her do that for about 4-5 seconds then sat back up. Said I was going to take S to golf.

Left her there without a hug goodbye, did not initiate one or say ILY. Just left after saying "See ya! Have a good time tonight W".

Came home, she was at the door waiting for us, said she missed us. Gave my son a hug and then I just walked on inside. Stood at the counter having a glass of tea and I said, "Good to be home, good to see you again". She immiately initiated a hug.

I can see how it is now more fulfilling if she initiates the affection. I just means a whole lot more.

[john28]

Update this AM:

Last night was a good night. We spent some time together playing cards and just talking about her day tomorrow (traffic court). I asked if she wanted any advice about talking in court which she's never done and she said yes. I put on the Big Boy Britches and gave her the whole negotiation speech, made her feel confident, did some mock-rehearsals etc... I do this thing every day for a living (negotiate). She seemed really thankful and I think I showed some confidence that she hasn't seen in a while. I helped her pick out some professional looking attire for tomorrow (she's a SAHM with little professional clothing). We then went to bed, I told her goodnight and she initiated a kiss on her own.

I have been cuddling with her at night (i know, mistake) but I made an effort not to last night. It worked, she came to me this morning and cuddled up with me.

She left this morning, I'm staying home with S working from home while she is in traffic court, on her way out I told her that she looked beautiful and to be confident. She initiated a kiss and headed out the door. I told her to "have fun" and she headed out.

[john28]

Went back to work this afternoon. She called me and asked if I had changed the cable TV? Of course I hadn't but for some reason she thinks maybe I did? I told her no, I hadn't and that she should call the cable company. She seemed satisfied and said she would.

She ended the conversation with
W: Ok, I'll call them. Love you
Me: Ok, love you too.

Hmm. Initiating an ILY on her part? Or was that just habit? Or, does it really matter? Advice?