I think its less about morals than it is about maturity.
I often interpret maturity as the willingness to do something uncomfortable simply because it will lead to a benefit for someone else.
Most people aren't willing to confront him and experience that discomfort to save the marriage at all. That's normal. What you can ask them to do as an alternative is to refuse him access and to tell him OW will never be welcome in their home. That's easier than confronting him... and less uncomfortable.
You do what you can Antonia. In laws are always a problem. You have to divorce bust them along with your spouse in most cases. Remember your spouse is leading a campaign to legitimize the situation, You just have to tell the truth.
If you say nothing, they will believe and support him.
Do you think a letter via snail mail to my inlaws would be a good or bad idea? Not a letter so much to bad mouth him but to say that I still support the marriage, and that I'm doing my best to move on and be independent and succeeding because it's necessary, and that I hoped I have their support? It's harder for them to ignore a letter coming straight to them by mail than a voicemail or email.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Well for now I've decided not to put anything in writing. I honestly believe there is no convincing his parents to help me. They have almost no relationship with him as it is and it has been that way for over 20 years.
Ok I was reading something today and wanted an opinion on it. I was reading about types of affairs and of all the types I feel that the "exit affair" is the one that sounds most like my H because he has communicated often that he was not happy in the marriage and didn't have the strength to walk away and so he got involved with someone to make the transition or his exit easier (he hasn't said that last part to me but to some of our friends). He told one friend that he wanted someone to "cling to" while he left me because he knew how hard it would be to leave me because our marriage was not by any means bad, it was just that he was romantically detached from me and/or not happy with himself and figured (like all in MLC) that he had to get rid of his whole life with me because if he wasn't happy with himself it HAD to be that he made wrong choices. (I know that is BS).
Anyway, in reading about exit affairs, it says that the goal for the WAS in the exit affair is to get the LBS to initiate the divorce and end the marriage for them, and that eventually they'll just repeat the same behavior of avoidance in their affair and just keep making the same mistakes.
So what I want to know is, does my NOT initiating the divorce totally screw up his plan of avoidance? Does that all work in with the DBing mindset? I'm thinking it does. And that makes me feel pretty good. What do you think?
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Everyone reads that types of affairs list and runs right to exit affair and goes into deep analysis...
I really wish that list didn't exist.. it isnt' useful at all in my opinion...
I don't usually advocate the LBS initiating divorce action at all no... I DO reccomend minimizing contact to nothing if possible, but legal action no...
Oh, well if it's useless in your experience I'll ignore it. I'm still going along with the no contact (I think I just hit 10 or more days with no initiation of contact to him and no replies to his contact with me) and I'm not planning to be the one to file. My lawyer even said after the prop. settlement is done for me to sit back and do nothing and let him do the work if he wants a divorce so badly. Thanks for the reply, Allen.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Please start a new thread. This thread is getting a bit too long, so I'm locking it. Shorter threads improve the speed and flow of this online community.
