Had to pick up youngest daughter from W this afternoon. W looked sad. We had the following conversation:
W: "I'm sorry for how much I hurt you." Me: "I'm sorry for hurting you too." W: "Something really bad comes out in me with you. I don't know what it is. I'm going back to <our MC, who's also her IC>, I have to figure it out." Me: "I haven't felt anything bad from you over the last couple months." (totally a dumb thing to say, because for one, it was disagreeing with her, and two, I didn't know what she meant by "bad") W: "We'll talk about it." Me: "Funny, I was thinking about calling <MC> today too." W: "Really? Wow."
The vibe was very sad between us.
W: (reaches out and hugs me) "Even with all the ways you hurt me, you're a very good man." Me: (acknowledging the ominous implications) "Amazing how much different things look now than a month ago." W: "Yeah." Me: "I just want you to know, I have felt what it was like for you in our marriage, or at least I think I have... and... it was really bad." W: (nods) Me: "Ok, gotta get going."
W walks away to get in her car. She had just picked up our daughter from a horse camp, and the back of her dark outfit was covered in cat and/or horse hair. She was going back to work, so I said "hold on", then I walked over and picked all the hair off her back and butt. We joked and laughed about it for a moment, then she said "Hope I look ok" and turned to get in her car. I said "You look great from here."
What is it with us that even after such a sad moment, possibly a marriage ending moment, that we can joke and have fun with each other?
The other thing I realized is, since we started this reconciliation process, we've had virtually no bad moments, no arguments, no tension. Just light hearted fun and flirting, good dates, and good times with the kids. I thought I was in a complete DBing groove. Yet here I am again facing likely divorce.
W seems to be acknowledging her part, and the need for her to do work on herself, but she's also acknowledging that our M will likely not survive.
At least she finally gave me a heartfelt apology.
One thing just occurred to me. I've resisted fully implementing the gucci and robx advice because I feel I owed it to her to own my part. Is it actually the case that she doesn't really care if I own my part? That she'd be far happier if I portrayed that I have nothing to apologize for, and just played hard to get? Am I that clueless?
