Thanks, Pup and Allen - your advice has been and continues to be invaluable. Not sure if this qualifies as "grace and civility," but here is the email I just sent to my H:
H,
First of all, let me state that I believe it is important for DD to continue to have a relationship with you and I want to cooperate with you and help facilitate making this happen.
At the same time, I need to know that she is being taken into a situation that is emotionally and physically safe. When she first began staying overnight at your apartment (#___ at the _________ complex in ________), you stated that a friend from the ________________was letting you stay in his apartment while he traveled overseas to ______________. You also shared that you were living alone. Since then, I have had reason to suspect that you were dishonest in this explanation. In addition, you have exposed DD to your affair partner, ______________, which is not appropriate given that our separation is still very new for DD
Thus, I am happy to support an overnight visit tomorrow evening, July 21st, if you can verify that you were honest with me regarding the apartment (copy of the lease, friend’s contact information, or something comparable), and if you put in writing that you will not expose our daughter to OW.
Alternatively, if you would like to pick up DD up tomorrow evening and then drop her back off later that night, I will be happy to support that if I can have in writing: a) pick up and drop off times; and b) that you will not expose DD to OW.
Additionally, I would like to handle the "putting it in writing" prior to the time when DD will be present - you can email me ahead of time. I think it's for her benefit that we don't discuss custody issues in her presence.
