Not to sound cold here,but Sunny your two oldest kids are old enough to have part-time jobs. Even your youngest could have a paper route or something.You need to get out there and find a job. It would do wonders for your self-esteem and maybe help you stop being "clingy".
I can see from what you write how your WAH looks at that "picture" of you and the baggage you represent.I don't think you realize that you come across to him in the way....but to a WAS it could.
Telling him the things you do is not working. I would suggest a complete 180.....a COMPLETE 180 from what you have been doing. Make him believe you are independent of him and don't need him. Let him see how you are just fine without him. Create a different vision for him to view. He doesn't respond well to the one he's looking at now.
I know what you're saying, Sandi. Actually, the 2 oldest do have part-time jobs. The youngest, when he turns 15 (in a few months) is going to start helping at his karate studio to earn his own tuition there. I mentioned the oldest looking because she's looking for work in her college town, for when school starts.
H and I had agreed that it was better for me to go back to school and finish my degree rather than going to work full time, because of the earning potential. I'm not looking to make "big bucks" but something better than $10-$12 would definitely be better, which is all I can get right now without that degree and experience. Now, we agreed to this when I thought we were working on the R (that he actually wanted to). I have no problem going to work full time if need be. I do have a part-time job lined up that starts in August (5 hours a day Mon-Fri). A judge friend of mine was also concerned about the D settlement if I go back to work full-time. Less alimony I would get as opposed to showing the court I'd been a stay at home mom for most of 20 years.
I DO feel you are right about H seeing me and the kids as baggage. I think he's going to see it that way no matter what being that he has to know that even if we D that he still is going to have to pay alimony and child support. Not sure how to combat that because I sure can't make enough right now to totally support myself and 3 kids. BUT...I do take your perspective to heart: if I go back to work full time it will look more like I am independent. Maybe that's worth it right now as opposed to going to school full time and working part time. ??? I have done a budget this past week and let H know I am working on my own financial plan.
I can see where I probably look very clingy. I don't want to! I feel I've done a pretty good job of keeping my composure around H and for the kids. H HAS noticed the changes I've made. I just need to keep doing more. AND...I need a plan of action as to when/how to tell him he needs to leave if he does not want to make this marriage work. That's what I'm working on later day, after my class.
Don't confront until you are ready to do it. It will be much better for you at that time.
Do look for a job, so you do feel less dependent on him. It takes a while to find one in this economy, so you will be focusing on yourself, and it would be a good 180. It is tough to find one, so keep looking.
I am in a similar situation with the unemployment and it sucks, so when you have time do it.
I know school and everthing else makes it difficult.
Don't get so caught up in the M you don't do what needs to be done for you too.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Well, mentally I am ready to confront! Emotionally, depends on the hour. LOL. I DO know it's the best thing to do. It's just the when/how/specifics that I am working out.
I would REALLY like to have some sort of proof of the EA I feel is going on before confronting. However, I may not be able to wait for that because H has been pretty smart. I just figure there HAS to be more to this than he says. There almost always is OP when someone is talking and acting this way. I just don't have proof and I feel proof is power. I think I may have to figure out how to proceed without proof though.
I really would like some advice here: Should I put Rob's plan in place for a few weeks before confronting? I know Dobson mentions that you "make them wonder" first. Part of me is impatient; I want to get this over with and behind me to get back to a position of power. The other part thinks a few weeks of making him guess beforehand would have bigger impact.
THOUGHTS???
If I did the latter it would go something like this: 1. Continue going to school Mon-Thurs. but also looking for a full-time job - interviews, whatever. 2. Amp up my workout sessions to get faster results (my diet is already very good. I mean, who has an appetite during all this?) 3. Even if I don't have friends to go out with, pretend I do and go find something to do for a few hours. 4. Do things with the kids without including him. 5. Be happy when he's around but not necessarily towards him. I'm Switzerland to him! As little convo with him as possible. (OR is that the wrong approach?) 6. Don't ask him to do anything around the house (like fixing things, etc...) 7. Continue dressing sharply - maybe buy a few new things.
After about 2 weeks of all of this, go into confrontation mode and tell him I want him out if he is not going to commit to our M.
If I confront now, I feel I still need to get my ducks in a row. Having already been fully ready to see him leave before only to then feel we were piecing and then to go back to having to let go again is rough. I'm ready, but want to do it correctly this time!
The email's already out there but obviously a further conversation or letter will need to occur.
Input, please: My counseling center recommends this weekend retreat for couples in crisis. H had agreed to go awhile back. During our discussion the other night he said once again that he would go "if it would make me feel better."
Normally, with planning to Let Go/Drop the Rope - confront, etc... I would say forget it. I won't even bring it up again. However, there has been great success with this retreat. It is not "counseling". It's for couples who had filed for divorce already even.
Anyone heard of this? I know several on the boards have mentioned Retrovaille (sp?) and this might be similar.
Please let me know if I should consider this or not, within my new plan. Here's a link to the website that explains it: www.savemymarriage.com
Would have to decide soon as the one close to us is July 30th weekend. I wish it were further out.
I went to Retrouvaille with my H, and it was great! It does have a very high success rate, but with 2 conditions:
1) Both spouses must go with the intent on *trying* to work on the MR.
2) There should be no involvement with outsiders (EA/PA).
I encourage you to make plans to go. Be aware they will have someone call both you and your H and ask about your intentions and about any ongoing affairs. The weekend is hard work, but VERY worthwhile, so go if your H is still agreeable to going. But set expectations accordingly, since you have that gut feeling that there is likely an EA going on.
At least you will know for sure where things stand afterward. I will pray for your sitch and that things turn around.
Thanks, Silverado! That's good to know. His intentions are all over the place so I'm just not sure. Now, this other weekend thing (New Beginnings) does not claim to have those 2 intentions. It advertises as a last resort type deal with people who are possibly still in affairs or already filed for divorce. That's the only reason I thought it might still be good to go.
I know when you're letting go/dropping the rope you are not to pursue counseling or anything else for the WAS. However, since this is not the same thing, I thought it might still be good.
I don't really know much about Retrouvaille or what the difference between it and New Beginnings would be. I felt both were probably trying to get you to reconnect and rediscover what was good about M and how problems that seem insurmountable are not.
I spoke to a woman from New Beginnings and she feels it would really benefit H and I to come to the weekend if he agrees to go. Said their approach is totally based on "tough love" and was glad I'd read Dobson's works. Said that it would not be me pursuing him at all - and that would be shown throughout the weekend. SO, I've drafted this email to him. Of course, "confrontation" would be put on hold until after the weekend. Feedback, please!!
I have been thinking about our conversation the other night and you said you were willing to go to the weekend marriage retreat. It is coming up next weekend, at least the closest one to us is.(July 30th weekend)
If you are still willing to go, we need to register. There is a payment plan where we pay about $500 now and then make monthly payments of $100 each. Hotel is extra.
It seemed that you only wanted to go to appease me. I hope that is not the case and that you would truly like to see if we have a chance. Believe me, I am not ready to stay in a loveless marriage to someone who does not want me. I also do not want to be in a marriage where I am suspicious of behavior and don't feel safe, where secrets are kept and relationships pursued on the outside. Perhaps this weekend would be good for both of us to determine where we stand.
It seemed that you only wanted to go to appease me. I hope that is not the case and that you would truly like to see if we have a chance. Believe me, I am not ready to stay in a loveless marriage to someone who does not want me. I also do not want to be in a marriage where I am suspicious of behavior and don't feel safe, where secrets are kept and relationships pursued on the outside. Perhaps this weekend would be good for both of us to determine where we stand and where we go from here.
I'd leave out the part in red....it's not the right venue for those words. You'll be able to say them at the weekend or after, but not now. H will most likely see it as confrontational. Plus it puts emotion into the email.
Then add the part in blue.
When in doubt use the KISS method........Keep It Simple Stupid.
