Taylor ... you have got to stop beating yourself up! Crying is not pathetic, it's theraputic. Let it out. Cry, scream - whatever it takes, as long as it's not to H.
Please try to remember that those of us who are gently, ok, not always gently, suggesting you GAL and detach have been EXACTLY where you are. Have you gone back and read some of the other sitchs? That helped me a HUGE amount! HUGE! Reading other people's journeys and seeing that everyone starts in the same place made me feel not so alone.
(((taylor))) PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Taylor, I am sorry you are hurting today. I feel it too. Just the fact that you are fighting for your M means you are a wonderful woman. It takes courage to be here.
Now please listen to me for a sec….I want you to sit down for a second and breath…a few deep breaths – what I am about to say may not make sense and may even hurt.
First – this is YOUR life. Not mine. Not anyone on these boards. Only YOUR – whatever you decided to do..we’ll as they say in the hood “I got your back girl”!
Your C, others on the boards, your family, your friends, me, everyone will have an opinion on what you should do. Here is mine FWIW…
I want you to sit still for a second….sit very still and I mean completely still and then I want you to think about your M in it’s entirety. All of it. The good, the bad, the ugly…all of it. I want you to think about your H. I want you to recall the good times, the bad times and well the boring times. You know the times when the sex was not the good and you and he were just kind of going thru the motions. Think about it.
By your own admission, your H was a “wonderful” man. He was everything that you wanted at some point. He was. Guess what…underneath all of his MLC crisis he still is. Will he come out of his MLC fog? I don’t know – really no one does (okay God probably does). What I do know is that you Love this man and you hurt right now. I get it. I really do. I know the pain first hand. Just so that you know…the pain was so intense for me that I really wanted to blow my head off – anything to stop the pain. Sorry a quick thanks to my best friend who did not “lend me his gun”. So TRUST ME I know the PAIN.
Do you know something…I can NOW say that I am glad I went thru this process. So glad. Do I still hurt – yep…will I get over it – yep. The big questions (at least for me) is….am I a better MAN. ABSOLUTELY FU*KING YES.
You see, your fear has you by the balls…oppss.. I meant bra strap…you have no control right now or so you think..What you do not realize is that YOU really have control. You can control HOW YOU FEEL…what you DO and when you DO it. All of this is really in your control. You can call it a day right now. You can say to H – “F you” – you can.
So…you are wondering right now….do you stick around or just pack your sh*t and call it a day. Let me ask you this…which one is easier? Which ONE do YOU want to do. Don’t tell me you don’t know – that’s BULLSH*T and you know it. You know you want to stay and give your M a shot. Give it time. You do..your just AFRAID. You want a guarantee that this is going to work. You want your life back. You want everything to go back to normal. Sorry to say – it is not..at least not right now.
God sometimes allows things for a reason…have you given this some thought? Do you know what tomorrow brings? Do you know what your life is going to look like in 5 years? Have you consider that maybe a higher power want to set you free..set you free from the FEAR that paralazes you.
What if I told you that if you stuck it out for 2 years your H would return – would you? I bet yes..know why – cause it is a guarantee. You don’t have to worry. You know the outcome. You know the answer already so you don’t have to face your fear.
You say you don’t know how to detach – let me explain in my terms what it does not means..It does not mean that you do not hurt, I does not mean that you will not be angry, it does not mean that he will come back 2 days after you detach. It does not mean that you do not love him. What it does mean is that you are taking a standing for ITAY. You are finally saying to yourself and to your H (by virtue of your actions) that you love him enough to let him be AND (pay attention here) that you LOVE YOURSELF enough to go and find YOUR happiness. The happiness that you are responsible for.
Face the fear girl…Face it.
So you don’t know how to GAL…well let me explain it again in my terms. It really means do whatever the F you feel like doing that will put a smile on your face. No..I’m not saying go meet someone else – you wouldn’t anyway. What I am saying is doing sh*t that you want to do. Go the gym, read a book, hell (sorry I offend you or anyone with this next statement)….but hey go by yourself some toys, take out the frustration – ANYTHING ITay to put a smile on YOUR face.
I know you can do this… answer me this one question… what is “THIS”.
I will reach out to you on the alt.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Wow - it must be Hell Day for LBS!!! I have been puking again today. Can't get rid of the pain! Warrior - I like the way you said "getting away from center" Tay - Yes, to all of the things you listed up there - that's actually a great action plan. As far as the cooking and laundry - I thought the Laura Munson article was great where she said she would always cook and set the table for 4 but most of the time there would be just 3 at the table. I think you do those things because that's who YOU are - that's what YOU do. It's a kind gesture / no expectations. If you begin doing those other things you've listed - and just do your business with the cooking and laundry - I think you are doing a good job at GALing. Just my 2 cents - which may not be worth anything today!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
ok guys..I'm at the library. I came here to be alone and just read stuff here. I brought my laptop and i plan to take as long as I want here. I asked him what he wanted for supper tonight and he said spaghetti. I am not going to rush home to make it tonight..I think I will just go and get a sandwich while I read and type here.
Funny story..I connected to the library's wi-fi and it blocked me from this website because it classified it as Pornogrophy. Weird huh? I had to go and get the library lady to put in a special password.
So I'm here for a while..hope some of you will chat with me while I'm trying to stop crying from Eric's post.
Pornography? That's interesting. I know how you feel. By the Grace of God, my husband is out of the house, in a completely different town, living with OW. Why do I say by the Grace of God? Because we went through this 8 years ago and he stayed at home, drinking like a fish and lashing out at me. Away is definitely better in my case.
Why are we standing. Don't really know. Sometimes I think for the R and the M, sometimes for the man we fell in love with, sometimes just for my own sanity and my family. Some days I think I still love him, others I'm not so sure.
Peace is a wonderful thing, it's just too bad you have to go to the library to get it.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
the bummer about being in a public place and drinking pop and on the internet with your laptop, is that when you have to go to the BR you have to take all your stuff with you and lay it on the floor..yuck. and then hope someone hasn't taken your place where you were sitting. so much easier to just have it all out on the kitchen table..haha.
punkin..are you living at home by yourself then? i really do miss my H when he's gone, except for when he's being all sneaky and guilty looking. Then I wonder what new thing he has come up with to make himself feel better. It's gotten to the point where i don't even want to know, cause it's so darn painful to see him be able to hurt me. I know I have a part in letting him hurt me..but just to think that he would even be capable of that after all we've meant to each other, well..it just shakes my world. i don't want to believe that he has it in him to be that mean and cruel.
