Well here I am now. Moved over from DBD

[g450]

Just journeling:

Well my could-have-been 23rd Wedding Anniversary came and went. I survived by spending some time with a friend and with a little help from my other friend Whiskey & coke later that night LOL. Went out to the lake and got stuck in a rainstorm. Soaked to the bone but still had a good time.

Ironically I was out of town with her and I happen to see my XW on the freeway coming from Waco or Temple, TX. This was on a sunday and I could not help but once again speculate and obses over what she was doing up there and with whom on the day of our Aniversary. Ironically I guess she was probably doing the same thing I was, trying to forget. But I reminded myself that it was her that threw it all away with her affair and her divorce.

Then just out of the blue my friend joked with me that we should get married and buy a house by the lake since we could afford it with both our incomes. I'm 95% Sure she was joking but I actually sat there and contemplated what that might be like and it kind of felt good that this was even an option in her mind or that something like that could actually happen in my future with somebody new. I am still puzzled as to why she said it as she is not really interested in me romantically and has commitment issues. I answered "OK" just to guage her reaction...silence.

As of now I am still living alone in my three bedroom home and try make it a point to get out every weekend. My Son still lives in his house with his (renting) mother and it seems that phone calls and texting from him has diminished considerably. It may just be his work schedule but I pray she is not poisoning him against me with her BS.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and I have discovered something brand new about myself. I always knew that I was codependant on my XW. But I just realized that with every new relationship I have with women that I date or have fun with I have automatically detached a small part of my heart from them where I would care less if they were to leave me for another. When I realized this it kind of bothered me a bit. I have this new self defense mechanism in me it seems.

Is this normal? Is this healthy? I guess you can say that I can no longer give a woman 100% of my heart. More like 95%. That little part of me that caused me jealousy and insecurity is not really there for anyone anymore except my XW and even that is wanning.

I guess that I have been hurt so much by my XW that I put a little wall up around that small section of my heart so that I will never feel that pain again. I never want to feel like any women owns my heart. Does anybody understand what I am trying to explain? It's hard to put into words. And Im really not sure if it is healthy or not. I can't afford therapy so I am self diagnosing this self revelation.

I also went on a date with a much older woman recently and she did me the favor of being brutally honest. She said "you are not over your X yet and most women are not attracted to whinny men". Wow! She is right of course but she also did her own fair share of gripping about her XW LOL.

That was a wake up call. We finished our overly expensive Starbucks drinks and parted ways peacefully. Did I mention that I dont like dating? One thing I want to remind all of you here is that once you start dating, remember this golden rule: DO NOT talk about your X to your date unless she / he asks.

I do tend to want to know the circumstances behind a divorce as every single women my age it seems has been divorced at least once. And the ones that are in their 40s and have never been married kind of scare me a bit if you know what I mean.