I've said before that I am not sure that all things work for all people in all circumstances and I don't have experience with PA's or EA's. On the other hand, a WAW having an EA at least seems consistent with someone who does not feel she is getting sufficient emotional support at home, right?
I'll just tell you what I've been doing. It seems to be working. Maybe we'll get derailed, but right now it's working exactly as the books and DB coach said it would, but it's important to understand what's really going on so that you are changing behavior and not just employing "techniques" to get your spouse back. It breaks down like this to me: if my wife needs to talk about her day with me, and not try and solve her problems but just be supportive and listen, it's the least I can do to give her emotional support and a heck of a lot easier than constantly trying to "save the day" for her. (If you want examples, I can give them to you.) If she needs me to take a more proactive role in the relationship, it's not like I was having a lot of fun isolating myself anyway. More importantly, I don't want our children learning and repeating the bad R habits we have.
My W did file for divorce. Nearly killed me. We've been married seventeen years and have two children. This never entered my mind as a possibility. But when she did, I unknowingly let the rope go (before I was even aware of the theory) when I told her that if she was going to do this, we needed to make plans and take some actions in the best interest of the children.
True WAW devise a divorce plan which becomes kind of like a security blanket. It's a long term plan that has relieved their stress in the past. I wouldn't be surprised if many W's who feel this way rely on the plan to relieve their stress and never implement it. Anyway, the WAW becomes convinced that leaving is less painful than trying to repair the relationship, or even talking about it in my case. The wall they build to protect them from the hurt of the R also insulates them from their feelings for you. Imagine their horror when they realize that they are no longer attracted to or feel a connection with the person they married and had children with. This causes them incredible pain and they become convinced that since they no longer feel it, it can never come back. So there is pain associated with the R, and no feeling of connection with their H.
If you challenge or fight the "plan," they embrace it all the tighter and may even accelerate it because you increase their stress. (I'm not saying you have to cooperate with the plan. DB coaches will tell you to stall without resisting it to give you as much time as possible.) If you don't challenge it, the urgency to implement the plan may fade. If you then demonstrate true understanding of what has been hurting the R and make living with you less stressful and more pleasurable, the entire dynamic/formula changes. The idea of the divorce becomes more stressful and the idea of reconciliation becomes less stressful. (And she doesn't even have to talk about it, which at this point would cause her more stress.)
At some point, (hopefully) they heal and reconnect. If you understand what really happened to your relationship, you can probably avoid falling back into old habits. If you are just using "techniques" without understanding, the long term prognosis is not good.
This is exactly where I think my R is at. We have been married for 14yrs today and have been together for 23 years.
W doesn't/didn't feel she was getting emotional support and I didn't validate, but tried to fix things. I wasn't involved enough with the kids, didn't do enough housework and wanted sex too often.
Said ILYBNILWY. I don't have those feelings for you and I know that will never change.
First blew-up in January and I pursued and tried to do everything for 6 months. Then I was smothering.
W filed for D a little over a month ago. I think she thinks it is easier to walk away than stay. Since then, I have been trying to detach and be gone a lot. The way I have read most of the advice is to make her realize what a D really will mean for her. I am torn between that methodolgy and yours. Sometimes I think if I would just be nice and work with her, maybe we could work it out. That is what I thought I had been trying to do though before she filed. She now says, I know getting D would be hard, but I don't think it has to be this hard! And we have only just started.
A lot of the time, W feels more stressed out now than ever. Is she realizing that life after D isn't going to be so easy after all? It seems like all of her well laid plans are falling by the wayside. She wants me to make this easy on her. She wants the D, but on her terms and her timeline. I am pushing to get things resolved. Does this make her realize that walking away really isn't easier?
I don't know MP, but I wish you luck in your sitch. I just hope we can survive this.
