Early Parole from the MLC Chain Gang?????

[MHL]

More Journaling and opportunity for you guys to give me some 2x4's.

I initiated contact with my W not 24 hours after I said I would not, It ended up being very positive but I would rather my W initiate contact me.

I called her this morning to talk about the kids visiting with her this week. This coming weekend is her weekend with the kids and in addition to that I am going to leave on Thursday night. (She usually sees them Tues and Thur. nights also). I need to make sure that was okay and see if she wanted to see them on both Tues and Wed.

I called her at work and she answered “hi”, must have seen my number pop up. The tone of her voice was soft and pleasant not harsh and cold. I was the one who called but she immediately asked me about going to Nana’s for the weekend…..

“D13 told me that you had already made plans to go to Nana’s (my MIL) with the kids this this weekend. Do you want to go?”

At first I thought she was asking me to go with her, but I realized what she asked and I replied that I was looking forward to it and I asked if it was okay and she said it was fine. I had already asked for all 4 of us to go a week ago and she said no so I was not going to ask again. We ended up talking for 45 minutes. It was very nice and I think I set up a date!!

I was telling her about coming across our tennis rackets in the garage and I asked if she wanted to go and hit some balls with me (just me) or play a game. She did not hesitate, she immediately said “yes”. I suggested tonight after work and she could not b/c she has her last class on “boundaries” (she is taking a class at roommate’s church on “Boundaries” by Townsend) I said lets try for next Monday and she said “Sure”.

Okay, I initiated again……Swing away.

We went on to talk about a lot of different things, books we are reading, the kids, work, her roommate, her mom, my mom, St. Augustine, anything but no R talk. It was relaxed and very comfortable and we just kept going. I made sure to compliment her on being a strong person and for doing a good job raising the kids b/c they are being so good for me.

She said that it meant a lot to her to hear me say those things. (LL….words of affirmation)

Half way through the conversation, she stated that she wanted to tell me something, I thought to myself this was too good to be true, here comes the “I’m filing for D speech”…..not so.

This is probably the most important part of our conversation for me, because I did not react to what she told me she had done.

My W had come over to the neighborhood pool last Monday to with her 25 yr old roomie, I figured she came over to the house, she still has a key and the garage door is programmed into her car. I really don’t care, I want her to spend more time at the house.

My W went on to tell me that she wanted to get the collectable pens that belonged to her deceased father. She noticed that a pen we purchased together was not there. (I had taken it out and was going to take a picture of it and sell it on ebay,) I did not put it back with her father’s pens instead I put it in one of my dresser drawers. Well she told me she took it and she wanted to let me know so I would not get mad.

This was a fairly expensive collectable writing instrument and has probably increased in value, it was not listed as property she wanted in our separation agreement. Additionally, she had to go hunting for it. The thing I care about most in this situation is that I did not react……I did even have a feeling, nothing. I had every right to be upset, angry and otherwise pissed. Not so, I told her “that is fine, I was thinking about selling it but if you want it, it is okay with me”. She said we could talk about it, and I said “no, you keep it, no problem.”

While I still have strong feelings for my W and I know I haven’t fully detached, I don’t get upset like I used to.

I actually surprised myself, I have changed, I did not have to think about it, staying calm and not letting my emotions rule the day is part of who I am now.

I actually broke off the conversation but before I did I told her how much I appreciated the fact that she told me and I also assured her that while I have changed some things in the house, I am taking good care of her belongings and if she can’t find anything I know exactly where everything is.

More steps in the dance that is MLC.

[seeking answers]

If nothing else MHL it was a good opportunity for your W to see your changes.

You'll get no 2 x 4's from me. You've been doing this long enough now that you know what buttons not to push as far as your W goes. It didn't sound like you put any pressure on her and that you had a good convo.

You called about the kids and had a good talk. I say, well done!

[lala09]

My DB Coach Jody says that interacting with your spouse by encouraging their relationship with the kids is a good thing to do! That's what a friend would do, right?!

[MHL]

More Journaling, sorry…I really want to keep up with the things that are happening. The positive baby steps are coming faster and faster. My work now is to keep expectations down, not let my mind run away with crazy thoughts and stay consistent in my behavior. Easy right?????.....not so but I am getting used to it.

Tonight my kids went over to eat dinner with my W, S10 is spending the night and D13 came home after. I have been real careful to not press my D13 for any information about my W and how she is feeling or what she is saying. I have learned to keep my mouth shut and eventually my D13 sings out like a bird. Tonight was not exception, I picked her up at the bookstore said goodbyes to S10 and my W. I did not say anything on the way home, I only responded if my D13 said something. When we got home D13 wanted to go for a bike ride….I said sure. While we were riding I asked if she wanted to take the bikes to Nana’s this weekend and she said yes, then she said, “Oh, I asked mom if she wanted to go with us again and mom said no, not yet but probably in the future”, all I said was “really”.

My D13 went on to tell me that mom said that she wants to work on the M in the future but not right now. D13 asked why and mom told her that we had an argument/something happened between us recently that she wants to get over first. (could be the ML with me a couple of weeks ago) D13 also said that she could tell that mom still loves me because the way she smiled when she was talking about it. She also said that mom was smiling when she was texting me tonight. We were just talking about the pick up tonight. D13 said that she now has hope that mom and dad will get back together.

When I think back on the last couple of weeks, my W has really changed her tune dramatically.

June 8th….my W tells me she is going to file for D on Aug 26 (one year and a day as reqd by state)
June 13th ML with my W
June 20th W comes over to house for father’s day, reconciles with D.
June 24th D13 asks mom if we are going to get a D, and my W tells her probably
July 3rd My W comes over to neighborhood pool party with all our friends there. (reconnection??)
July 5th My W comes back over to hang out at pool while I’m gone with kids on Vacation. (more reconnection??)
July 13th My W tells D13 that she wants to work on the M in the future, but not right now.

I am really starting to see things move in a definite good direction. When I think back to a year ago and being on the rollercoaster, I was not patient enough to get through the day much less an entire month. The patience required is far beyond what I ever imagined. But with time and consistent behavior you eventually start to see progress. I decided back on May 22 that I was not going to have any more arguments/ negative interactions with her no matter what and I haven’t. I know I still have a long ways to go and some of the hardest work lies ahead.

Little Friday is 2 days away!!!!!

Cheers

[ericmsant2]

Missher

I am pulling for you dude. The road may not be as long as you think...keep thinking positive. Keep being YOU.

Eric

[MHL]

Thanks Eric,
I appreciate the vote of confidence. I actually realize that even if we get to that point that there is another road to travel that is just as hard if not harder than the one I am traveling now.

Good to see you, hope you are doing well.

Little Friday is tomorrow!!!

Cheers

[MHL]

I just got the following email from my wife. I had asked her to play tennis this week and she said yes but wanted to do it on Thursday so the kids could join us. That is the day she normally has the kids I originally asked for Wednesday so it could just be me and her but she said she had something to do but could not remember (sounds like a date). Last week she said yes to me and we could not get our schedules to work.

Here is the email:

Missherlove,
I got to thinking about tennis, and I would like to play, however I don't want to give you and the kids the wrong impression. I don't want to lead you to believe that I am coming back, or that we are working on us. And I def. don't want to confuse the kids.
If you think that would happen, please let me know.
I don't want to hurt anyone.

W

Is this an opportunity to have a R talk with her?

We never talked after we ML on June 13th.

She has never told our S9 anything definitive? (I have always held onto the belief that she was holding out b/c she was unsure.)

I do not know if there is OM involved at this point but I suspect she is wanting to get on the dating scene again. Do I ask her this? We had a talk back in March and she feels that it is okay b/c we are separated.

I have had a gut feeling on this for a couple of weeks now but not sure. We are getting close to the day she can file for D. August 26 (one year and a day after Separation in North Carolina) I feel that she thinks that it is this close that she should just go ahead and go through with it.

I think her pride is in the way of coming back. She told D13 that she "she may want to work on the M in the future but not right now". I think she thinks that if we get D and then she wants to reconcile that she will not have to face all that she has done.

I am not interested in rehashing the past, I want to move forward if we were to work on the M. I am not sure I have told her this before. We have not had a R talk in 2 or 3 months.

Just not sure what to do or how to respond. This could be an opportunity to go dark or draw a boundary especially if she shares that she is dating. Not sure that she would answer anyhow. I was thinking that if and when she files that i go dark.

D13 just texted me and she is going with S9 to see Mom tonight, she was not going to go this week at all but now she is. Could be my W is going to drop the D bomb on them tonight, I want this to be done together if at all possible, I want it to be clear to the kids that I do not want this that this is Mom's choice.

I really want to have this conversation in person not on the phone or via email or text. Thinking of saying we need to talk can you meet me at 5pm at coffee shop?

Taking any advice.

[seeking answers]

MHL,

This is just my take from your posts. It seems as though your W is still confused and keeps sending out mixed signals. I don't think she knows what she wants at this point.

I pray that she doesn't mess up your D's and her reconnection.

[Truegritter]

Is this an opportunity to have a R talk with her?

Missher IMO no...

Not at all.

I think she is feeling pressure from you based on the events of the past month.

The ML and your efforts to try and get some sign she is back in the game.

I am sorry to be blunt but that is what I see.

She is telling you this in her email that she doesn't want to hurt anyone (i.e. you) and the kids.

"she may want to work on the M in the future but not right now".

I think this is really how she feels and you're not listening.

She doesn't want this right now Missher...

There is nothing you can do to change this so the best advice I have for you is to just drop the rope. Don't call her or text her let her contact you.

Say about tennis that you don't have any expectations but is clear that she thinks you might... so best you don't play.

Then drop it.

I really think giving her space right now is best...I know that is not what you want to hear or do and you know I know how that feels.

IMO drawing a boundary and communicating it right now will look reactionary and controling.

Just go dark without a word let her come to you...

[ericmsant2]

Missher

I struggled with a response to you - I did man.

First - I want you to know that you have and continue to be an inspiration to me.

So...here are my thoughts....

What ARE YOU willing to live with Missher?

What does Missher really want for HIS life? And I mean really want. Don't give me one of these cookie cutter DB type responses. I mean really what do you want. Maybe the better questions is this...

What is Missher willing to do for his M - regardless of what she does?

Is Missher willing to try and reconcile post D?

Can Missher put his pride aside?

Can Missher forgive her even if she goes forward with the D?

Can Missher still love her even though she may be stuck in MLC for a while?

Can Missher love her while she is with someone else? Can you? Is this something that Missher really wants? There is no shame is saying YES - I know how much you love this women.

All of these questions should be thought through. Whatever you decided - It is your choice. You decide what Missher wants. No one else.

You may be right about the gut feeling. Then again you may be wrong. IMO - often when the A's are public knowledge, the MLCer must go forward with a D. It may be a way for her to wipe the slate clean and start over again. It may be closure for her. A few more questions...

Does a legal piece of paper define your R with her?

Do YOU feel that your R can be re-established she she go forward?

If you looked at your R outside of the "legal" definition of a M would you still want to be with her. I suspect YES.

Personally, I would not initiate the R talk at least not a full blow one. If you want to ask about her intention as it relates to talking to the kids - then I agree. Outside of that I would not say a thing. The problem with an R talk right now, IMO, is you would be putting her on the spot. You would be asking for an answer. An answer that you may not want. It also may come across as if you are worried. As you know, fear can be smelled a mile a way and she just may pick up on that scent. She knows you love her - she knows. She knows you Missher - so anything that you do should come right from the heart. No tactic, no bull - right from your BIG as the state of Texas heart. No more, no less. Just be honest. Just be the new Missher.

In terms of going dark, I would not. You guys have kids together you can't go dark. To me, going dark is just a tactic that most can see through. I would continue to be friendly to her. I would continue to be her friend. I would continue to love her. I would however set a boundary as it relates to ML. For me, it would be too painful. It would IMO send the wrong signal.

So to summarize...You love this women dude - I know. Would you be willing to start up as friends and see where it goes? Maybe that is the best approach to take. Stop trying to save the M and try and save the friendship. A friendship in time that can turn into a NEW WONDERFUL R.

Whatever you do...do it from the heart. Not from fear or worry...just the heart. Do this and no matter what you do it will be right. Why? Cause it will be from YOU - the real YOU - the new YOU - the YOU with no mask.

God Bless,
Eric