Mel. I often forget to mention this soon enough but It important.
If this DOES hit your H hard he MAY try a few tactics here :
a. He may call and just blast you b. He may call and tell you he's sorry and he's ending his affair - don't believe him c. He may call and try to negotiate further
Refuse it all.
Put a very clear BEAR MINIMUM list together that you insist he commit to before ANY CONTACT with you... Go through family or whatever.. do what you can to avoid giving him this list yourself.
1. Full Transparency is a must 2. A no contact letter 3. Change cell number, email address, etc 4. Family therapy sessions 2 x a week etc
You put your list together... he will TRY to negotiate or call or tell you its over... NEVER accept his first turnaround.. It's almost ALWAYs a PLOY
I'm very sorry to hear you had to do this, but I do understand. Three years ago I essentially made the same decision. We ultimately chose to back away from the abyss, after a couple of "stays," but sometimes it does come to this drastic step in order to protect yourself -- emotionally, legally, financially.
It's still not over, however. There is still hope for a reconciliation (I did!), and something like 20% of divorced couples later remarry, usually with better results.
I was given an exceptional piece of advice at this very same stage of my sitch, and I'm glad I followed it: treat your spouse with civility and grace, and it will pay you dividends down the road regardless of what the two of you decide to do.
Thanks, Pup and Allen - your advice has been and continues to be invaluable. Not sure if this qualifies as "grace and civility," but here is the email I just sent to my H:
H,
First of all, let me state that I believe it is important for DD to continue to have a relationship with you and I want to cooperate with you and help facilitate making this happen.
At the same time, I need to know that she is being taken into a situation that is emotionally and physically safe. When she first began staying overnight at your apartment (#___ at the _________ complex in ________), you stated that a friend from the ________________was letting you stay in his apartment while he traveled overseas to ______________. You also shared that you were living alone. Since then, I have had reason to suspect that you were dishonest in this explanation. In addition, you have exposed DD to your affair partner, ______________, which is not appropriate given that our separation is still very new for DD
Thus, I am happy to support an overnight visit tomorrow evening, July 21st, if you can verify that you were honest with me regarding the apartment (copy of the lease, friend’s contact information, or something comparable), and if you put in writing that you will not expose our daughter to OW.
Alternatively, if you would like to pick up DD up tomorrow evening and then drop her back off later that night, I will be happy to support that if I can have in writing: a) pick up and drop off times; and b) that you will not expose DD to OW.
Additionally, I would like to handle the "putting it in writing" prior to the time when DD will be present - you can email me ahead of time. I think it's for her benefit that we don't discuss custody issues in her presence.
I don't think "affair partner" is tough enough. The word partner in there almost sounds like a positive validation.
And I also got rid of the "since our separation is still new... "
Exposing a child to infidelity separated or not is inappropriate... NO AMOUNT of TIME makes a difference there.
If he's still married and there is no divorce even filed yet then he has no business exposing DD to OW... I don't care if the separation has been two weeks or two years.
Exposing your DD to ANYONE should be something you BOTH consent to or it doen'st happen...
NEITHER of you should have the other spouse introducing DD to ANYONE without the other spouse approviing and having prior knowledge...
You need to set a precedent for that now... eventually he will be introducting her to OW's family and God knows who else...
He needs to understand he's a parent and he cant' just do with her whatever he feels like doing... period
Exposing a child to infidelity separated or not is inappropriate... NO AMOUNT of TIME makes a difference there.
If he's still married and there is no divorce even filed yet then he has no business exposing DD to OW... I don't care if the separation has been two weeks or two years.
Exposing your DD to ANYONE should be something you BOTH consent to or it doen'st happen...
NEITHER of you should have the other spouse introducing DD to ANYONE without the other spouse approviing and having prior knowledge...
Please forgive me for jumping on your thread.
I am in the same situation with my wife: we have been legally separated for four months and this past week she went to the summer cabin with OM ( they work together) and introduced him to my children and my wife’s Aunt Uncle Mom dad brother and sister. OM brought his kids as well. My eight year old D said they stayed the hole three days.
My apologies again for the interruption. Desperate times
My thread Mt wife introduced OM to my children this week.
