And Warrior..don't you wonder why she would want a guy who has found a vulnerable woman and dumped her after he gets her? Especially when she has someone like you who loves her so much. WTH?
Just checking in...outside of your panic attack you seem to be holding up pretty good.
The best thing that you can do right now is to really continue to detach and work on you. So..in terms of working on you or GAL if you will what are you doing for YOU?
Can you send me a list of things that you plan this week for YOU - just you. Nothing that involves your H, nothing that is a ploy to get your H to notice you...nada...just something for you. So what is it?
I will try and log on tomorrow. I have been off for a few days and have spent most of my time with the kids. I also have quite a few issues to work out.
My prayers are with you.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
And Warrior..don't you wonder why she would want a guy who has found a vulnerable woman and dumped her after he gets her? Especially when she has someone like you who loves her so much. WTH?
I don't know if he dumped her. The fact that that woman ran back to her husband after two years with the guy tells me MLC for that woman. By the way, this guy is no prize. He is the opposite of me. He is not attractive and my wife would not be attracted to him. When the MLC'r takes this road, they are not who they are right now. I have read that the OP is usually a step down from the LBS. This guy is 10 steps down from me. That is why I know it won't last. But they have to hit rock bottom first. You are thinking like a rational person like my wife was. That gets thrown out through this and the MLC'r makes decisions they would never have made. The fact that this OP is so unattractive makes sense for me because it tells me again that my wife is not mentally there right now. MLC. Just seems like a curse on the family. Eric is right. Work on yourself. That is the way to get through the LBS tunnel. It does not matter what the MLC'r does or says. YOU have to get to that point where it won't control your life. I feel your pain. I really do. You think I am strong? I am not as strong as Eric. He seems to really have a handle on this. You and I both have a lot to work out in our heads. I can see who I can be and I will continue to work toward that. As you keep working on yourself, you will see who Taylor can be and you will be much happier as time goes on. The MLC'r continues to spiral out of control not finding the happiness they seek. That is their journey. You and I have ours. Our journey is much better. The guilt and mess they make will follow them around. I said it before and I will say it again for me and you "It is much better to be the LBS". Just don't lose yourself. Do what Eric says. Make a list for this week for YOU.
Tay - Sorry haven't checked in on your for awhile. Thanks for checking in on me on my thread. I haven't felt very confident in my abilities to help myself let alone anyone else. Will check in later this evening! IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
You think I am strong? I am not as strong as Eric.
Warrior/Taylor:
Eric is very strong, I will never argue that, and anyone who has seen his newest thread, or any of his writing and growth for that matter, has been witness to his strength. BUT, he is no stronger than anyone else on here. More brutally honest with himself than lots are? Yep. More real? Yep. More willing to look in the mirror and actually face and FEEL his pain? Yep. More willing to put himself out there? Yep. More willing to own his mistakes and insecurities and fears? Yep.
That's what it takes. It's not about brute strength. It's about honesty and ownership and being willing to strip away all the masks and walls until all that's left is YOU, tear-streaked and battle-worn, looking in the proverbial mirror. With hope, and love, and peace. It's about no longer being the victim of your circumstances, no longer giving your power for happiness and self worth to another human being. It's really about responsibility, forgiveness and humility.
You can do it. You ARE doing it. Peace, PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Ok..I get that my H isn't himself and is making stupid decisions, etc..and yes, Warrior, he did choose an OW that is many steps below me too.
the part I'm not getting..is this...
How can I GAL, find me, work on me..all that stuff..when he can pull the plug at any moment and turn my life even more upside down that it is? It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I get the detach thing, and see how it will benefit me..and him. the part I'm NOT getting is how will that benefit me if he decides to file for D? And i understand that I will be stronger, will have learned things about myself, made new friends..etc..but all that will not in any way help me as a 53 year old woman who is dumped by her H for an OW or a string of OW while just living here with him waiting for him to come back to his senses. I know that the alternative is to walk..and I've told you I don't want to do that..
My C tells me I have several options:
Stay here and figure out how to NOT freak out about his sneaking, lying and cheating
Stay here and confront him and probably push him farther away and end up in D
Move out and start a new life..with or w/o a D
Kick him out, stay here, and see what happens
Ok..when I read that back, I see that the only good option really is to stay here and figure out a way to deal with his sneaking, lying and cheating..and other stuff like living with an alien. and if I detach, it will be easy to not freak out because I won't care..except that I will because I love the man and am afraid he is going to hurt me at any given moment..not physically..but by just springing the D on me with no notice and then I'll be scramblng to figure out what to do with the devastation that is going to cause. And I know that you guys say, don't put the car before the horse, don't worry about something that might not even happen..etc..but I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants kinda gal..I need to have some kind of plan B. I am afraid to be here going on about my life, while he may be plotting how to leave me high and dry. And it hurts to think that he is having sex with someone else, and not me. How will GAL help me feel better about that? Getting a job will definately help my financial stability and I am still applying like a madman..but I cna't deal with the uncertainty..are their tools to help with this..or how do I get over this hurdle?
I just feel stuck..like my life is on hold waiting for him to come back to his senses..which may never happen. then I think about all the years I will waste if it doesn't happen. I know if I get a job, make new friends, go and visit my kids on wkends, do stuff by myself, it will help me, but how is that going to help us, or make me not care what he is doing to us? What am I not understanding? i really want to be ok with all this, I just don't know how.
I just feel so frustrated. The answer you guys give to GAL and think about me sounds so simple..but it really isn't. Expecially if you aren't used to ever doing that.
And i'm not mad or screaming or anything like that..I feel clueless and it makes me panic. And the whole thing is so incredibly sad. Sometimes it's even hard to look at him.
1. Get away from the house when he's here. Go to a park alone and read, go to the library, go shopping, go to visit my kids on the weekends.
2. Don't talk about the R or tell him I love him anymore.
3. Don't be sad when he says something that hurts me..for instance all of his plans start with "I" instead of "We" like they used to. it makes me cry.
4. Get a job
5. When I am here around him, sew or do my other hobbies, don't chit chat about his day or ask him anything. Just be quiet and go in another room or something.
6. Don't sit out on the deck and have wine and watch the sunset with him.
7. Don't give him books or articles about MCL to read, don't even talk about MCL.
8. Smile, even if I don't feel happy.
9. don't text or call him ever unless I absolutely have to.
10. Should I: Stop cooking for him and doing his laundry? that would be a weird thing to do and he would think I was trying to punish him or something.
So..what's left to talk about or do?
Lately he has been talking about doing a bunch of stuff around the house..re-staining the deck, pulling out dead trees, fix spots on the walls, etc. Almost like he wants the house to be ready to sell for when he tells me he wants a D. Anyway, he would expect me to help him with this stuff..should I just leave then? it would piss him right off. And as it is, he just gets pissed for no reason anyway.
warrior..those few simple words you wrote just made me bust out into tears. I can't stand this anymore. I just want it to stop and have my wonderful husband back again.
I'm such a stupid..sitting here crying all by myself. How pathetic.
