WAW EA told her to leave

[DangerDave]

Hi Greek, Puppy, AJM, Koliver and all who are supporting me-

Well yesterday was a huge step backwards for me - the whole day just turned into an absolute mess and is continuing still this morning - I am feeling like day one all over again and it's really really hard to cope with. I will get through the day but for hells sake I have so much coming up with the family vacation, it's going to be so so hard.

We went to our CC session (imago) and it was different. We went through the sharing steps and I got lost and threw out a "you never loved me" that was well honest at the time but a bit out of context and well she bristled and pretty much shut down. She also said earlier that she was doing nothing to make our R better at all. The CC was at a loss with where to go next, but it was at the end of the session and he has no idea of the background of our stich.

We got home and were both quiet, she told me not to beat myself up over the comment, I told her that I would fill in the blanks to the whole story later in the evening.

Bedtime came and well it ended up being an hour of R talk and emotions - none of them good. She got out the arrows and started in with the I have no love left for you in my heart, I've tried but it's not there. I see your changes and they are great for you and the kids, but they are too much for her and she can't deal with them.She just wants us to be friends again - I told her that I couldn't be her friend unless she gave me the chance which she hasn't - she said she just doesn't know how she can. I asked why she wanted to go to the CC - she said she wanted to feel like she's tried everything she can so she can feel right. She doesn't like the Imago therapy and said she just wanted to run out of the session. I asked why "I don't know" and I said I think it's that she's afraid it might help or if she wants a CC to validate her goals to leave - well this therapy does not play that game.

This morning was really really tough, headed to the gym early and got my workout in - it was a bump week so it was pretty tough. When I got home I did my routine and got everything ship shape and then pretty much just fell apart. I really don't know if I can take much more of this emotional roller coaster - I hate to cry and it gets me so down on myself. I left her a note before I left about being friends, it simply read " Husband and Friend, I can ONLY be BOTH". Not sure if that was the right move but it felt right and I think she needs to know that's how life will be without us.

Anyway thanks for the support - I happen to have an IC appt this afternoon - god not sure how that's going to go - but it's my dime so I'll make the most of it.

It's early in the DB'ing for me, but it's hard and starting back from almost ground zero after some much "perceived progress" is going to be tough on me and the kids - not sure how far back I should go - but more Gal is in my future - with a family vacation in two weeks though - that's going to take the strength of Jobe to get through I think.

Thanks

DD

[MakingProgress]

Dave

DBing starts off with NOT talking about the relationship and I think you are seeing why. If you haven't read How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words, by Patricia Love, I would highly recommend that you read it.

At some point, there has to be R talk, but even then we have to learn a different way to do it. MWD posits that you DON'T go over history, you change the present and the future. You don't talk about what you didn't like and what hurt you, you talk about what you would like and what would make you feel loved. Otherwise, everyone just gets defensive.

Good luck. We all share the pain.

[DangerDave]

Thanks MP, I'll look it over at the bookstore - and I'll reread the DR again - this sucks really

DD

[DangerDave]

Greek, Puppy, Gucci - where am I now - it's making spin out of control I think and I don't want to be rash and make my DB'ing even more difficult if I can.

DD

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Greek, Puppy, Gucci - where am I now - it's making spin out of control I think and I don't want to be rash and make my DB'ing even more difficult if I can.

DD

Then don't. Don't make any major decisions now, Dave. These problems will still be here tomorrow, and next week, and next month.

Hey, it takes major 'nad to face that kind of psychoanalytic therapy. I give you credit for heading in there. Give yourself a break for today, and get back up on your DB horse tomorrow.

Puppy

[DangerDave]

Thanks Puppy for the pep talk - we don't always see eye to eye but I can't say how much your support helps me - it always gives me that polar view that I can never seem to come up with myself -

Thanks

DD

[gucci loafer]

Well,
Your answer is the same as about 15 other men or more on this site that keep trying and trying and trying and keep getting the same answer back...and then they try some more of the same.. and others on here confuse them by telling them to "just keep" making those changes.. While the Wayward keeps on saying they just don't love you...

And we wonder why it isn't working and we wonder if maybe tomorrow or the next day things will turn around.. And they never do.



Your answer is to let her go. That has been your answer and will continue to be your answer... She has told you with words and with actions that she is not in love with you and just wants to be friends.

So you in turn keep pursuing and chasing and giving money and footrubs and backrubs and act all happy and want counseling and run to the store at her whim.... etc etc..



And all the while are trying to get me to believe that you are doing 180's. Those types of 180's are a trun off to most women. You are showing you have no self esteem and no self respect. She is seeing that letting you down easy isn't working. You think like others that not having relationship talks equals the relationship is better. That is not true. Not having relationship talks is her hoping you get the message that she WANTS out. It won't be until you deliver the correct answer to her and show it that you may have a chance. That answer is to agree with her that it isn't working. Agree with her that she doesn't love you and that now you realize that YOU don't want to be with a woman that doesn't love you and not only that but you are not sure how you fel about her anymore. That you want her to find a place asap and that you think that it is best that you separate.


What you are doing isn't working. She just told you that when she said she just doesn't feel for you. Take her at her word. Hanging in there seldeom works. Letting go does work better.




I would also say the affair is STILL in process and she has you fooled. You of course will want to deny it with all your heart. I would guess that something is still going on except that now she knows how to lie to you so that you don't figure it out.

[DangerDave]

Thanks Gucci,

Sobering words that I really need to hear- Puppy has echoed similar in the past. I have two distinct camps of advice here that you have eluded to in your post - no one's right or wrong, but I have tended to take the middle ground on the W and how to approach it.

I truly thought it was progress, but it's more my minds eye of wishful thinking and that bs word called "Hope". Well hope is always there but I need to put in the right context - I need hope for ME first and foremost and need to work the 180's for me to get out of the hole I seem to be digging myself into. The kids are old enough to handle their dad doing some ME things and I will just have to work harder setting specific time with them and make the most of it for them and I.

Drastic times call for drastic measures, I think your right on, so I will setup the talk about finding her a place so she can leave. I know she won't go, so I'm sure it will fall back to me to go and I'm not sure how I can pull that off and keep the house, cars and pay the bills - I have to see just what I can give up to keep out of living in in a dump - or maybe I should shoot higher and make her feel the squeeze at home. Close the joint checking, transfer our assets back to me and leave her to figure out how to keep her and our kids lifestyle intact - which she cannot.

As for the affair - well you may be right but as I posted before I have had no evidence of it continuing from my intel sources, of course I can step it up further with following her or whatever, but when the separation takes place she's free to do as she pleases anyway so why bother to add to my emotions or lighten my wallet.

I'd like to cancel our trip in two weeks as well - it's going to be tough on the kids as they are looking so forward to it - but it is part of the fallout of divorce - better to get them prepared early I suppose.

Greek if you're out there I'd like to hear your take as well, but I have to really consider strongly what Gucci and Puppy are presenting.

Thanks Gucci-


DD

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Dave,

I'm glad to hear that you are really listening to painful points of view. In the past, I felt like you didn't do that, and that's pretty much why I stopped posting to you. You had a positive -- even to the point of naivete, I felt -- air about you, and I felt like maybe I was just raining on your parade and you didn't want to hear it, so I let you be.

It's just that I've seen SO many false starts around here, and they're heartbreaking and gut-wrenching. You get VERY few chances at these, and when people make the common mistakes, it drives me nuts.

Puppy

[DangerDave]

Puppy thanks for coming back -I need it now more than ever - it's going to be very difficult for sometime I know-

DD