Thanks for the links. The second one won't open here at work. The first one was very interesting. I can understand the Fear thing on an abstract level. The psychology/physiology behind that seems solid and makes sense to me on that level. But seriously, where does empiricle proof fit in?
Fine to say: yes he's a big strong man and I'm a 120 lb woman, so when we are arguing, his deep resonant voice and physical bulk intimidate me, but when does the mind overide that and say: "You know, I've known this man for half my life. He's not going to harm me. He's a big old teddy bear and wouldn't hurt anybody". Or, "I've seen him stand between REAL danger and our kids without a moment's pause. I KNOW he will never, ever fail to protect them.
BTW, she has always been the more vicious and aggressive in our arguments.
Don't get me wrong, I will use this theory to try and validate her feelings, but while I tell her I understand them, I really feel like eventually she needs to take some responsibility for not thinking critically about this after all these years of consistant proof to the contrary.
And it makes me very sad to think that the one person I've cherished more than myself could really feel afraid of me.
AG
I hate to go down this road because is is politically incorrect, contrary to my 60's and 70's upbringing, and may offend some, (not to mention that it is contrary to "validation,") but who says this has to be logical or rational? I'm speaking as a litigation attorney who probably could have been awarded Invalidator of the Year for the last ten years running - so you're preaching to the choir when you say it isn't logical or supported by the evidence. But it's the way they are wired.
Think of this for a moment. We can accept that women can be irrational when they are pregnant, menstruating, or menopausal. Isn't it possible that other events can trigger a hormonal imbalance that causes them to be irrational? (at least to us).
Are we any less victims of our hormones? Do you think the majority of men made a logical and well thought out decision to withdraw when we are stressed out, etc.? That's how we are wired. Not everything and everyone can be explained by the theories of MWD, Gray, and Love, but I can tell you they have my wife and I pretty much nailed.
When women do not get the emotional support they need they are unable to produce the oxytocin and seratonin they need to handle stress and feel connected. When they do not get emotionally validated, they do not get those hormones and they can act as if they have PTSD. An increased workload (increases testosterone which decreases their ability to handle stress, etc.), death of a loved one, etc., can put them over the edge in terms of balance and ability to cope. If they do not get the oxytocin and seratonin they need, they cannot handle stress, may say and do irrational things, and detach from us. Sound familiar?
Then, they are incapable of handling the pain that is associated with their marital relationship and plan to leave. In order to justify their decision, they amplify everything bad in the relationship and minimize (or even forget) everything good.
When we can accept that the WAW is injured and we are partly responsible for that injury, we can begin to treat them with compassion and stop focusing on our own pain. It's also easier to forgive them.
