Near WAW with EA - almost textbook sich

[doing my best]

Thanks puppy. Have already sent email to MC about that.

Today at 4 PM is joint session. If anyone sees this post and wants to comment on my position statements below, please do so.

MC will probably look at W and say so how is it going or how was week? W will probably say...."things have not changed. I still want to be out on my own and not into ANY relationship. I want to heal myself and just be with my kids. There is too much water under the bridge for us to reconcile. Too long in an unloving 18 year marriage. I now have my confidence back and I feel good. I do not want to give this up. I do not want to feel that someone is trying to control me anymore so to be on my own to do what I want is what I want. He is an Unemotionally Available person. I need to grow and cannot be in that type of toxic situation. H is a nice guy and a good father. But he is who he is and cannot change."

My position or opening statement:

W and Dr. MC....I am doing fine, in fact great. In a lot of ways I feel better than I have in years. 10 weeks ago...almost 2 1/2 months ago, W told me that she was not happy in our marriage. She laid out a number of reasons and since that point we have had numerous intimate conversations where I bared my soul and emotions...literally ripping myself down to try and figure out what was wrong with me and what I needed to do to work on MYSELF. Yes I use the word intimate because it is an area that I have never given a chance to come forth and experience….and I like it! Anyway, I heard W loud and clear since this was the first time she had ever vocalized her displeasure with our marriage. Immediately I took the most tangible behaviors that were repelling and hurting W and family and stopped them. It has been 10 weeks since I have used any profanity, controlling behaviors, angry outbursts, and negative comments....and it feels good. I have embarked on a true soul searching path and have opened myself up to the fact that the conditioned personality who was me 11 weeks ago is not my authentic self. I have released many of those unloving behaviors and accepted new loving behaviors to make a spiritual connection with myself and others. I have done a series of experiments and personal benchmarks and feel that I have been re-born in many ways. I like who the authentic self is and I feel great in that regard. Given everything that has come up over the past few months I think that I am doing surprising ly well. My guess is that others in thos position would still be in a fetal position and perhaps paralyzed by fear and dread.”

Regarding W’s new assessment that I have Emotional Unavailabilty syndrome and/or the fact that she does not want to drop defenses to invest in our relationship again for fear of being sucked in and then dumped on again (NOTE to Board….I have already said much of this. Looking to perhaps say it again with counselor to see if she will seize an opportunity) :

“W…I understand even more why you are wary of allowing yourself to drop your defenses. Please know however....even though it may seem so.....I am not pursuing you. I am pursuing myself. I am pursuing knowledge and experiences which will help me to reconnect with my authentic self. Yes...it is tough because I do want to save our marriage and our family, keeping us together.
However, my challenge....I am trying to balance or replace that "goal" with a more spiritual position.”

Several weeks ago I began relaxing my position. I called it stepping back to give you some room. It does not mean I have given up what I want....but I have tried to remove the ANXIETY about what I want. That is why I have said several times in conversation that I am without guilt or remorse when I make comments or share my thoughts with you. I am being sincere and it is coming from deep down. Please know that is with continually monitoring of my thoughts in meditation to make sure that it is NOT ego pretending to be soul….I want to be authentic It is difficult but with effort it can be done and gets easier every day.

Regarding W’s position that I just want to stay married because I would be embarrassed to be divorced. That I am afraid of being alone:

“W, I still have my desires and strong intentions....however, I am trying NOT to attach it to an outcome. Once again a difficult proposition but it is something that I continually try to remind myself. I have noticed that when I attach to a desired outcome, is when fear enters the picture and fear is paralyzing in many ways…can stop us in our tracks. It makes me protective and less flexible or open. It is something I have battled for years as you know. So the position which I have been working towards (and I have verbalized this to you in a variety of ways)is that I trust the best outcome will emerge on its own....not trying to force or manipulate it. My struggle everyday is to balance keeping my intention strong yet relax....have patience and work on spiritual connectiveness with loving behaviors.”

Regarding W’s comments that she wants to be friends no matter what happens. Says she wants to move us right now towards building a good friendship and is open to that (To Board - I want to be friends because I know that is the next step and will increase our chances of reconnecting. She wants to be friends so that we can be split and still have a great atmosphere for our children):

“You and I have both seemed to have attached friendship to a potential outcome. If we can release that outcome and just work on the friendship....then it will be a pure and true connection. Well....at least that is how I can define it in the parameters of spiritualness

Regarding her determination to separate and move on (hoping MC will seize opportunity):

“W….I have told you that you can go if you want. I know that I cannot force you to stay or talk you into not leaving. However, I have re-thought my acceptance of your position to separate our family because I do not believe that you are making this decision without the influence and emotional connection you have experienced with old BF. I believe you when you say you have not contacted him anymore. I also believe that he is or was not pursuing you for a true relationship. I have also forgiven you for this EA. However, I still do believe that the EA you engaged in was much deeper than even I ever could have imagined. You have told me that he made you feel alive, happy, excited, and loved again. At first you thought it was the med increase but you know realize that he helped you see what was missing in our relationship. However, you continued to go deeper and deeper into this situation and for 2 months lived a life of deception and lies….things that are completely out of character for you. Will old BF may not be the problem for our marital difficulties, he is the most recent. I want to feel comfortable that you are free of the rationalization and fantasy which came along with your relationship. The “love shack” notes and fantasy life you wrote out and saved the other things you have said about him and your tendency to still list him in your notes is saying o me that you are still holding a candle for him….or you are going through a withdrawal phase. You told me that you have not done any research or reading on Emotional Affairs. But I have. They are very addictive and there are some very real physiological processes taking place in your body. I would at the very least like for you to read some of the things that I have read….and perhaps utilize Dr MC to determine the true nature of this situation. The behaviors you are strongly exhibiting are strikingly identical to a full blown EA. And not so much for me….but for our children and for yourself I ask that you have a clear mind and heart before acting upon any decisions.”

Let's see have I missed anything.

My best guess is that financially we could not afford to truly separate until Fall. So no matter what happens I will still have some DBing time....even if it turns into an LRT.

DMB

DMB