WAW EA told her to leave

[DangerDave]

Hi Greek, Puppy, AJM, Koliver and all who are supporting me-

Well yesterday was a huge step backwards for me - the whole day just turned into an absolute mess and is continuing still this morning - I am feeling like day one all over again and it's really really hard to cope with. I will get through the day but for hells sake I have so much coming up with the family vacation, it's going to be so so hard.

We went to our CC session (imago) and it was different. We went through the sharing steps and I got lost and threw out a "you never loved me" that was well honest at the time but a bit out of context and well she bristled and pretty much shut down. She also said earlier that she was doing nothing to make our R better at all. The CC was at a loss with where to go next, but it was at the end of the session and he has no idea of the background of our stich.

We got home and were both quiet, she told me not to beat myself up over the comment, I told her that I would fill in the blanks to the whole story later in the evening.

Bedtime came and well it ended up being an hour of R talk and emotions - none of them good. She got out the arrows and started in with the I have no love left for you in my heart, I've tried but it's not there. I see your changes and they are great for you and the kids, but they are too much for her and she can't deal with them.She just wants us to be friends again - I told her that I couldn't be her friend unless she gave me the chance which she hasn't - she said she just doesn't know how she can. I asked why she wanted to go to the CC - she said she wanted to feel like she's tried everything she can so she can feel right. She doesn't like the Imago therapy and said she just wanted to run out of the session. I asked why "I don't know" and I said I think it's that she's afraid it might help or if she wants a CC to validate her goals to leave - well this therapy does not play that game.

This morning was really really tough, headed to the gym early and got my workout in - it was a bump week so it was pretty tough. When I got home I did my routine and got everything ship shape and then pretty much just fell apart. I really don't know if I can take much more of this emotional roller coaster - I hate to cry and it gets me so down on myself. I left her a note before I left about being friends, it simply read " Husband and Friend, I can ONLY be BOTH". Not sure if that was the right move but it felt right and I think she needs to know that's how life will be without us.

Anyway thanks for the support - I happen to have an IC appt this afternoon - god not sure how that's going to go - but it's my dime so I'll make the most of it.

It's early in the DB'ing for me, but it's hard and starting back from almost ground zero after some much "perceived progress" is going to be tough on me and the kids - not sure how far back I should go - but more Gal is in my future - with a family vacation in two weeks though - that's going to take the strength of Jobe to get through I think.

Thanks

DD