tired of this

[A_goodman]

Ok. I’m calling in the vets. I need help figuring out what to do. Last night, W handed over her “Whats wrong with R” manifesto. It’s a list of her “concerns and grievances with the R as she see’s them”. It was bedtime and she threw it on my side of the bed after I worked out and showered. I asked if she wanted me to read them then. She said she didn’t care, but that she did NOT want to discuss it then. K. So I read it over. Twice.

The list is split in three categories titled: KINDNESS (22 items), FORMATION ISSUES/CHANGE (30 items) and GOALS(16 items). Did I ever mention that she’s very thourrough?

Anyway, as hard as it was, I told her: “Thank you for sharing this with me. Some of the items on the list I can see right away and I’m sorry for hurting you. Some of the items I need to think about. I will study this and myself and try to address those things when it is appropriate to do so.” She told me she e-mailed it to the MC. I said that it would definitely keep him occupied as it is a long list. (I didn’t do it in a smarta$$ manner hope she didn’t take it that way.) She said she wanted him to have it so he could be prepared for the next session. I told her good night and rolled over. Did not get to sleep for a long while though. I knew last night that I had to get advice on this before saying anything more.

Then this morning a curious thing happened. As I was leaving, she stopped, looked at me in the door then her face got cold and she walked off like she was really mad. I turned after her and asked if I had made her mad in some way. She was mad, but just said: “No. I’m fine”. Totall BS, but I let it drop and said: “Ok. I’ll see you later”. WTH was that all about? She told me not to discuss it with her and I didn’t. I don’t know what was expected of me. Is she just perplexed and angry that this did not get the rise it always would have in the past, or is it that she was just putting on a tough front, but was really crying out for me to engage her and talk about it? I am totally unsure of my self now.

A good part of the list was totall BS. I am going to have a hard time agreeing to a lot of it. Hell, I feel very strongly that I should defend myself against SOME of the accusations on that list. If somebody in any other walk of life handed me a list like that I could NOT let that stand as some kind of twisted written record. These are accusations of physically fighting her and her fearing for her physical safety and that of the kids. That is absolute poppycock. I have NEVER touched my wife, or any woman for that matter, in a violent or confrontational manner. And my kids, AYFKM? I would lay down my life in a nano second to protect those little guys. Is this some kind of list she plans to use against me in court?

Heck, except for my initial rant on here, when I vented 4 months of bile and poison that had built up, I’m not even an angry man with you guys. It’s totally anonymous. If I had it in me wouldn’t you expect it to spew forth here? The ONLY thing on the list concerning the kids that I can see is that she thinks I am “using them as emotional pawns to beat her up with and that I am threatening her with their happiness.” The REAL truth is that I have from day one of this constantly reminded her (now only in MC) that they will be hurt by D. I am not saying that to “beat her up” or as an emotional threat. But rather to remind her that there is a lot at stake in her decision. She used to believe like I did that kids are ALWAYS better off with BOTH parents in the home. Now she spouts all the typical plattatudes about how “they’ll be alright and probably better off”. It’s a load of bunk and she knows it. Or at least the girl she used to be knew it. It’s not a tool im using to win her back. I’m not sure I want her back. It’s just the scientifically verifiable truth. I think it is a form of calling her on her BS. Am I wrong?

The rest of the KINDNESS list is chock full of “controlling” and “domineering” buzz words straight out of the WAW playbook. Today I studied it more. I truly looked into myself and can outright agree to 3 of the items from KINDNESS and will cop to ½ of five others. Half because either it was two pronged or because it takes two to tango. 8 of them I need clarification or just have NO idea what she’s talking about. The rest are TOTAL BS and in most cases projecting by her.

14 of the FORMATION/CHANGE items I own in whole or in part. Some of those are ancient history about dating and the engagement and I have apologized profusely for 17 years. A lot of them are about her new need for space and those are already fixed as I am detached pretty well. Still, there are a LOT of questions in there.

The GOALS are mostly good except they are mostly open ended. i.e. she could achieve them by just bugging out. None are goals specifically for our R. No surprise there. Two of them play into the fear thing again. She is “tired of living in fear of me.” And “wants to know the kids are safe”. This is tearing me up. If she REALLY feels this way, I’d like to know what alternative universe she’s been living in. Here in the reality world, there has never been anything to prompt fear of me.

To be honest, more of her gripes seem to be on target if the R is viewed only in the context of the last 4 months. But it seems like she’s painting the whole R in that light. I guess that’s no surprise either.

Oh. One more thing, she says she’s "been grieving the loss of a close emotional intimate R for OVER 9 freaking YEARS!" (Emphasis mine). It’s funny. I read over the “W” file in my e-mail box @ work today. A lot of what sounds like love in there.

So NOW what. How do I read this morning? And what to do about the list. Should I own what I own (and try to change those), then ask for clarification on the ones I don’t understand fully? Which can lead to trying to control my emotions cold because I don’t really know exactly what she will say. What about the ones that are bologna?

I can validate my butt off, but I can’t wrap my mind around agreeing with some of those things. I’m certain we will be taking it up in MC (the only place any R talk happens. I will keep going because I want to find out what it is she wants to do and don’t want any surprises. Plus she is a therapist in a different field, so she views it as a “safe environment” to discuss things) I need advice so I can start rehearsing my lines.

Funny, almost none of her original grievences made the list. I’ve been 180ing a bunch of stuff that still needs to be done (which I am not going to quit either), but might not be a huge factor in her mind.

Everyday it’s something else. And then I end writing another damn book.