Thanks Puppy, and Bluestar. I think I am going to file for the protective quality. There is no legal advantage (or cost advantage) to being the first to file or not in my state. It just gives me the protection of freezing accounts, protecting myself against any debt H incurs right now (if we do divorce) and having a credible threat of force in terms of custody negotiations that are getting heated.
My lawyer has assured me that it's not final till its final.
Puppy - what did you tell your wife when you filed?
Gotta figure out how to post the link to my last thread . . . after looking at everyone else's, I realize it's just hanging here a bit! Perhaps someone can tell me how to get it in my signature?
JOURNAL: Tonight I find myself wondering if I'm just affair-busting as a sort of ego thing - would I really, truly want my H back after this? Could I trust him again? I mean . . . life's inevitably going to deal some tough blows and if he goes wayward that easily, what would happen if . . . a parent passed? we had a special needs child? one of us or a child was diagnosed with a serious illness? one or both of us lost a job? Part of me thinks he just demonstrated how easily he's willing to jump ship and maybe I should be looking for a hardier sailor!
But of course I don't want him and OW together - even if I don't take him back. The thought of the two of them playing family with my daughter present just makes me sick. Yeah, I know if we divorce that this will eventually happen with another woman, BUT just the thought of this illegitimate relationship being legitimized over time is enough to drive me over edge . . .
As for the moral issue of staying married at all costs - some days I buy this and some days I find myself remembering that most moral codes allow for dissolution of marriage in cases of adultery. And though I wonder about what my daughter will learn about marriage if we divorce, part of me also wonders what I teach her by staying with her dad in this situation. I mean, what are chances of repeat behavior?
Also, I had a serial-cheater boyfriend in HS (sex addict, I think we'd call him these days) . . . cheated at least 4 times that I knew of . . . what I learned from that is that outside support for betrayed person dwindles when SO repeats the offending behavior. Everyone is on team Melody this time, but if it ever happened again down the road . . . would they be so quick to join or would they be like, "told her."
So maybe someone needs to smack some sense into me and maybe these are normal feelings at some sort of the process.
This is the question you ask yourself once the affair is busted. Right now you want to fight the affair whether you want him back or not. There's a threat to your daughter right now and that needs dealt with. If the affair falls apart and you ultimately decide to bounce him that's great, your daughter can understand that. If you are gonna exit a marriage, there's a classy way to end it and there's an ugly way to end it. Your husband's going for ugly and he's all in.
MWD made a point in an article once, I can't remember where I read it. It was in response to the qestion : What should we look for in a mate.
Her response first challenged everything previously said : things in common, physical attractiveness, money, sense of humour, etc. She waived all that off.
Then she came in with the usual punch she's known for : maturity in a crisis. This is the most important thing you want to look for in a mate. You want to see someone who can summon very high maturity in a crisis. This, and only this, will tell you if they will be there when things get difficult. The rest is great, but its all the good stuff. What about when things get bad? That's when its most important that he hang around. And that's when most of them run. You want someone who won't run. Don't you?
I will also say this Mel. If your H DOES come back, he will be more educated and experienced in this mess than a random choice from the street.
If when he does come back he is willing to do all the readings and educate himself fully to compliment the destructive experience he's had he will be armed and ready and I would say LESS likely to do this again than someone else.
Your daughter will be upset you two divorced. But she's better off being from a broken home than IN ONE.
If you can bring her a single home family that works together that's ideal. Just remember divorce is better than keeping her in a war zone overlong.
But, your H's living elsewhere, so the problem is minimized for her to a degree. Your H just has to at the very least find the maturity to not expose OW to his DD at all.
I think if you write down all the things she's asking and saying it might shake some sense into him.
Note : the success rates for affair couples is less than 1%. Long term commitment is hard enough. If you bundle that up with child custody, no family support, a history with your LBS of lies and sleazy behaviour to own up to. Not to mention a questionable maturity level for both you and your spouse... It's next to impossible.
That affair will fall apart Mel. The question is "where do you want to be when that happens?"
Thank you Allen. I love your point about maturity in crisis. That's exactly what H doesn't have right now. In fact, he's acting like a teenage boy!
I am getting ready to file for divorce in order to be able to enforce H not exposing DD to OW. Puppy, if you're around, would you mind sharing what (if anything) you told your W about filing?
I think filing might tell my H that I'm 100% done - but really, it means that I'm 100% done with allowing him to expose dd to OW and engage in reckless behavior at our expense. L thinks I can get court orders enforcing this if need be . . .
Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW “Fasten your seat belts; it isn’t pretty.” Okay, you romantics out there. Fasten your seat belts, ’cause it isn’t pretty. Want to know what to look for in a man who’ll be around for the long haul? It’s his ability to deal constructively with the conflicts that will inevitably arise in your relationship. “Too mundane,” you say? Well, here are the facts.
Research tells us that spouses in long-term, happy marriages are not soul mates; they have no more in common than those who divorce. However, veteran marrieds know how to effectively deal with their differences. Managing conflict over parenting styles, sex, money or household chores isn’t easy. But the good news is it’s a skill that can be learned. That’s why couples are now taking relationship-skill-building classes in droves. So, if your hubby prospect is willing to learn what it takes to lovingly work through the hard times? Take heart. He’s a keeper.
There is more, but this is all I could find, its a quote not the full article... but you get the idea...
Update: My L filed a petition for divorce yesterday. H will receive papers today. I also expect him to receive a letter from my L inquiring about the living situation for my daughter during visits. I think this is going to shock the pants of my H as I don't think he's expecting me to file. I really think he thought he had time to string me along . . . explore the relationship with OW and have me on backup in case he changed his mind.
I am so sorry that you had to file for D. I hope you the best during this difficult time. Sometimes decisions have to be made even if we don't like them.
Take care yourself today.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Thanks, LSG. Yes it was a difficult decision and it certainly doesn't mean that I wouldn't consider a turn-around from my husband. It just means that I won't accept being married to someone who is living with another woman. And, it puts me in a good place to protect myself and my daughter financially and emotionally while my H has clearly gone off the deep end.
I know H has no access to the kinds of funds he needs to put a lawyer on retainer. I've been advised by my L not to give him anything out of our accounts (lucky me - they're in my name)but to save separation of those monies for negotiation. I guess he will have to charge a lawyer or ask OW for $$.
Mel. I often forget to mention this soon enough but It important.
If this DOES hit your H hard he MAY try a few tactics here :
a. He may call and just blast you b. He may call and tell you he's sorry and he's ending his affair - don't believe him c. He may call and try to negotiate further
Refuse it all.
Put a very clear BEAR MINIMUM list together that you insist he commit to before ANY CONTACT with you... Go through family or whatever.. do what you can to avoid giving him this list yourself.
1. Full Transparency is a must 2. A no contact letter 3. Change cell number, email address, etc 4. Family therapy sessions 2 x a week etc
You put your list together... he will TRY to negotiate or call or tell you its over... NEVER accept his first turnaround.. It's almost ALWAYs a PLOY
