Bradley, You know who she was when you loved her and married her. You since came to know someone very different. So has she. She probably never could have imagined becoming so cold and opposite the person she used to be. MLC
If she's at bottom, she may be ready to say goodbye to the things that pulled her away from reality. If this is MLC, and if she is bottoming out, that could be very good. Yes, there has been a ton of trauma - that is what MLC does. But it may be more limited than you think if she is sincere.
You are so close to the center of the storm, it is hard to focus on anything but the pain you suffered. You feel safe and more at peace with your current life. You have hope for a better life.
Who is she now? Who will she be a year from now? She panicked at the thought of losing her youth, and control of her life. She tried to prove to herself that she still has control over hers, by controlling you. She probably was considering a life with someone else that seemed a safe port. She is confused. This other life may have been real or imaginary, but she was drawn to change something in her life - or everything.
You don't want a life with that person in the storm, and shouldn't. But the person that arives with MLC, usually leaves with MLC. If they face their demons and resolve their conflicts, they are changed again. they aren't the person they were before MLC or during the storm. Neither are you. You know more about yourself, your past mistakes, and the relationship you want in the future.
What you can't know, is who she will become after MLC, or who she wants to be after MLC - if that is what you call this period of time out. I agree with others that some counseling should be at the top of the list of things you use to define progress. That is something that could only help you both. It is something I wish more couples would consider at intervals in the life of their R, just like tuning up a car. I wish I had, but we were too busy, distracted, and the perfect pair - like racehorses with blinders on.
How can you determine who she wants to be, and how she wants to contribute to a better life for herself, you and the family - if this doesn't get communicated? How can you share the same answers with yourself and her, about your hopes, without open communication? Looking back, would you say the two of you really understood how to communicate with each other openly? That should be at the top of your "future" list and you both need someone to help get you there - if there is a future to be had.
This person she became during her time out really surprised you both. Neither of you knew it was going to happen. Neither of you know who she will become post MLC, or who you will become. If she's really turning and honestly preparing to commit to a fresh start, is that something you're prepared to toss aside without giving it a chance?
You'll both keep a guard up. You should. Change is action, not words, and it is mutual. How can your list give her a chance to show you change? How can you include equal goals to demonstrate your changes? How do your ideas and changes compare to hers? Haven't discussed that? Think she doesn't have a list, or fears and reservations? Think again.
Am I saying give her keys to the house and bank accounts? Paleeeez! Go slow in any direction you take. Keep L options open to protect yourself in case she's just plotting her next trick or runaway. But you thought arranging a place for her to live with the kids near you was a good idea when you wanted to save the M; why isn't it a good idea now? If the wounds are too fresh to consider sharing a roof just yet, there are options.
