Sounds like a bad day for us DBers all the way around! (QS, you, me...) Well - I'm convinced tomorrow is another day! I'm going to try to be in kick-booty mode tomorrow. I'll try and think up some good one-liners!
Now: as for confidence boosters...just remember, even after the big D with my first H - when he was already living with OW - he came crawling wanting ME back! I always share this with everyone in despair (including myself) because it just shows how things can turn on a dime. Doesn't mean we count on it... but it happens. I've experienced it and I STILL have to remind myself. Even once the fat lady sings there can still be a 2nd showing. I was the one who had had enough and no longer wanted 1st H anymore. The thing is, I went through all of that and was totally by myself and let go of him without having another man to boot! You think you can't get through all of this "alone" but if I can, anyone can. Of course, my negative side wants to tell me, "Yeah...but you're not in your 20s anymore...you have 3 teenagers...you've put 20 years into this..." but I just have to keep drowning THAT voice out.
I just posted this on another thread. I'm surprising myself with my emotional bounceback.
"Yeah, I'm wearing my ring, too. She took hers off a couple months back. But I'm married til the paper says I'm not. Just me.
My family is pretty happy cause they've seen D and I more often in the last two months than the previous year. And that's good for all of us.
I'm not looking per se either. But I think I'll keep my eyes open more.
Thursday W is coming over after I exposed them to work and OM's parents and tracked down his wife. they don't know about the W or that I'm going to talk to her mom and aunt, too. Just so "the truth is out there"
The A is her priority (though doomed) so I'm sure I'm going to get 10% of the truth but enough for her to say "she's done"
I think she'll be shocked when I agree; and tell her I am in the process of selecting some mediators and finalizing my Separation Agreement.
She'll be looking to push some buttons but I disconnected them all.
Could be a very interesting day. I have two days to relax; prepare and then I get to take D for a week with my family on a lake.
I haven't seen remorse or anything but I doubt her A will make it to Christmas. It's a stupid, childish fling. Why would a 23 YO Man/boy want to be with a 29 YO single mom? And vice-versa? Basic ego-feeding jollies. Short shelf life.
And I'll be immersed in my new one by then. Won't hear the tree fall in the forest. I'll be on the beach.
Just work on you. That's the best time investment you can make."
Cool, eh Suuny?
I'm kind of almost looking forward to clearing the air and setting her back on her heels.
And I found a great post about how to keep "that smile" on your face-
"Don’t act happy around her be happy… you know what helped me? next time you see your wife….think back to a time or incident that was really fun or naughty that you and wife did. I guarantee you a smile will show up on your face... USE your memory from your “feelings bank” You can’t help but relive them good or bad."
And I'm keeping that one.
Situations? I'm 47 with a 2.5 year old daughter. I can't see that making my love life easy but I'm really not that concerned. I have decided to be happy and focus on me so I can focus on my D when it's my week.
And she'll have the best dad. What greater legacy can a man leave behind?
So I'm reading and relaxing and, right on cue at almost 9. I get the "D and I will not be home" But there's a twist....
"but would you have time in the next few days to talk?"
I waited and said 'How about Thursday at 5:30?"
She just sent "OK"
I sent "See you here then, Hug D for me"
She just sent "I will. I tell her every night 'Mommy loves you and daddy loves you very much'
I sent "Thanks, K"
CD, once again I'm going to TRY to get you to a laser-like FOCUS, and just skip everything that came after this part.
Wasn't the agreement that your daughter would be home last night?
I told you yesterday, your wife is TESTING you, and you had failed the first test. Well, here's Test #2, and you failed it again, and even put your little stamp-of-approval on it all by your casual response to it.
This is what you should have said:
"We agreed that (Daughter) would be home with me tonite. You pulled this last night as well, and it stops here. I'll expect you shortly, or I will call the police. Don't underestimate me -- again."
or
"I expect (Daughter) home tonite, as agreed. We can discuss everything else later, but this needs to happen. I'm not going to play this game where she is put in the middle of our problems. See you guys shortly. -- CD"
Although, I'm surprised I have already begun having truth darts pop into my head. Puppy will be proud that all his "beatings" are getting through.
How about this?
"Maybe one day we can be friends" W- "But we are friends" or some variation "A friend wouldn't do what you did to me"
Working on more of a "stick to these points" list now.
e.g. Always acknowledge how she feels. validate them as real Be soft spoken and calm Move slowly and be relaxed. Agree that the situation is unworkable.
Looking for few more from the pro's>
"Regardless of what happens with us, I know we're both good parents, and good parents don't use their daughter as a pawn in their problems. We need to both stick to our agreements regarding (Daughter)."
"I'm sure we can both agree, (Daughter)'s needs must come first. Let's commit to a schedule, and resolve with each other that we're not going to let our problems interfere with her care and what's best for her."
Talk to your L. At some point, this becomes kidnapping. In ANY event, it's probably a good idea, legally, for you to communicate with her -- in writing -- that you want to see D more.
AT some point, when the Sep Papsers are done, she'll have a place and I'll see D every second week.
But I'd like to be able to insure D is in her "home environment" more often.
She baely sees D when she's "off" cause she doesn't come home.
Then she takes her with her on her weeks.
Don't get me wrong. It really peeves me. Like her saying she's meet me "at home" yesterday. HOME? Been here 7 nights in 30 days. "Clothes storage facility" is better.
Love to use this as custody issue if she wants to play games.
