He hasn't been snippy at all when I've been happy. He's been nothing - he's been a robot. Alls he does when he is home is play XBox most of them time, except for his nightly jogs.
I honestly think the only reason it scared him when I called his bluff is because of the kids. He doesn't want to seem like the bad guy here.
I would DEFINITELY not move out! He's the one with the issues, if anyone's going, HE is going!
If he's not willing to work on the marriage, if he wants out of the marriage, then tell him that you both need to sit down with the kids and let them know what's happening and then let them know that he's moving out.
Approach him, let him know that this needs to be done because it's not only fair to you and him but it's the right thing to do with the family so that they know the truth.
OH - as for what's holding me back, NOTHING. I have no excuses. The only thing I would waiver on is the dating issue for myself because my kids and H know that I answer to God, above all. HOWEVER... I guess I could reconcile that if I weren't really doing it and just saying I was doing it. But then, he'd throw it up to the kids that I was seeing other men ... I don't know. That's the only thing I wrestle with. I don't have a problem telling him to get out.
For some history, I went through this already before. H#1 who I was with for 7 years cheated on me a year into our marriage. The night I found out I packed all my stuff up and let in the middle of the night. (We lived in a rental and no kids, so no big deal for me to leave.) This is when I first read Dobson's Love Must be Tough. I found some self respect and in the end, H wanted me back and I didn't want him...even after the D was final.
Curren H has left before - 3 years into M. We reconciled. I "let go" then too. He moved out...I was at home with 2 young children. We've never lived near family so it's just me - no support system. Then several years later he had a cyber-affair with a stranger he met playing online poker games Busted that - and we then had a great 10 year run - up until recently. WHY do I want to be with this man??? Well, I guess the good years have been pretty darn good. We have 3 kids: this will affect them, our grandchildren.... I hate it for them if it ends up that he's the same a-hole his father was who did the same thing.
Well, I don't think I can do this tonight. I'm too emotional. I'm not afraid - don't get me wrong. I'm just in mourning today. Letting go of 20 years is not easy.
It seems to me that you know what needs to be done, you're just too emotional, possibly even scared/tired that you're having to go through this again.
Yet you must do what must be done.
Two marriages and similar problems each time, I don't want to point fingers at you as being the common denominator but is it something you're doing specifically to turn these men off or is it just bad luck on your part for picking two lemons, one after another.
Well, for whatever reason, I was drawn to 2 men that were basically the same, psychologically. Very similar backgrounds in having their fathers having cheated and left their mothers - same personality type. I'm not saying I am perfect, believe me. I've always been willing to work on my 50% of the marriage though. I do think I'm a bit naive and don't always stand up for myself, which is dangerous with men like this. That's probably a turn off. I'm just very easy-going and I like to make other people happy. I'm fairly confident and out-going though - and others seem to like me. I've never been a nag because my mother was a screeching one! Have a great relationship with each of my 3 kids... Yet, I do feel I must not be doing something right! ???
Edited to add: I don't know why I picked 2 non-religious men to marry when I am a person of faith. Of course, I don't consider myself "religious", but I do have strong faith and beliefs. (Not a knock people over the head with it type.)
The first thing that struck me is the involvement of MIL.
Holy Cow!!! That would be me first course of action. Stand up to her and bust her for interferring. Call her out, and tell her to stay out of your marriage.
Lay your boundries with your husband about her, then lay out the boundries with her. Your kids, your rules. Your house, your rules. Your marriage, your life. Your husband, your issues. Not hers.
Tell her that you will hold her responsible for the continued destruction of your marriage and the splitting up of your family due to her continued poisonous words to H about you. Tell her that her actions are her choices and if she chooses to continue this way then you have a choice to make too, not to expose your children to such meanness. She has a choice to make. Then walk away.
*My MIL smokes like a chimney. I have asthma. When my son was born we went to visit. We stayed with SIL. I told H if he wanted me and his children to visit is family, we would not stay in that smoke filled house. MIL threw a fit.. "how dare you tell me what to do in my house", "how dare my children think they're better than me".... whatever. I calmly told her that she was free to smoke in her house, no one was saying otherwise. But if she smoked, she had to know that I wouldn't stay there, and neither would my chidren. It wasn't about who was better it was about health. It was her choice, but that I also had a choice and that her guilt trips might work on her own chidren,but they wouldn't work on me.
She still smokes when we visit and we still stay elsewhere.
Thankfully I was able to be much more emotionally stable when H got home from work today than I'd been all during the day! He texted me telling me to not wait for him for dinner. Uhhh... wasn't going to!
I am not up for a confrontation tonight. Too much going on with the boys and a ton of homework to get done tonight before big test in the morning. It isn't that I am avoiding it. I know it is inevitable. I just want to do it from a position of strength, when I'm feeling more "bad donkey" as my D says. :-) I am, right now, trying to be the calm before the storm. I haven't said much to H. Haven't been neither pleasant nor unpleasant. I am going to get my script together after my class in the morning when I can pull it together. I'm also trying to decide if I need to seek legal consultation before I drop the speech or letter. At the very least I want to make sure I am covered.
Not to sound cold here,but Sunny your two oldest kids are old enough to have part-time jobs. Even your youngest could have a paper route or something.You need to get out there and find a job. It would do wonders for your self-esteem and maybe help you stop being "clingy".
I can see from what you write how your WAH looks at that "picture" of you and the baggage you represent.I don't think you realize that you come across to him in the way....but to a WAS it could.
Telling him the things you do is not working. I would suggest a complete 180.....a COMPLETE 180 from what you have been doing. Make him believe you are independent of him and don't need him. Let him see how you are just fine without him. Create a different vision for him to view. He doesn't respond well to the one he's looking at now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
