Dad, how about my other question? Any serious prior marital complaint/sit-down from her? Or -- as I suspect -- is all of this "you're too controlling" stuff only a RECENT complaint, since her wayward behavior?
only serious sit downs was about 10 ys ago, thought we got past it
thinking back her behaviors started changing about middle of last yr. for the worst but she has always hidden spending from me and the new lower neck line started about 6 months ago.
told W this morning that I needed to talk to the counselor alone and we could re-schedule for the joint session, she didn't seem to mind but has now called me 3 times (I had my phone on silet so I really did miss all three) and I've not called her back yet.
only serious sit downs was about 10 ys ago, thought we got past it
thinking back her behaviors started changing about middle of last yr. for the worst but she has always hidden spending from me and the new lower neck line started about 6 months ago.
I'd be willing to bet anything that her contact with OM began the middle of last year. I would look deeper into intel (cellphone records, credit/debit card charges, etc.) around that time for your answers.
A spouse not even been willing to TRY is almost always an indication of infidelity, in my experience. Then when they tell you "I've been unhappy for a long time," it's just classic "re-writing of marital history" that is standard affair SCRIPT.
I'm not saying you don't have a role to play in the marital dysfunction -- it sounds like you do -- I'm just saying that her refusal to even TRY at this point is more than likely being driven by her interest in someone else.
Hang in there hoss. I know there's stuff nobody wants to hear and wants even less to think is true. Either way, YOU will get through all this crap. Hopefully, you can pull your R out, but either way you can be happy again.
Be strong for your kids!
I'll check in later.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
The contact escalated about that time, he is an offiste sonsultant they use. But the calls started to be more often than not while she was driving to or from work. Also, after a recent business dinner that lasted til 9:30 pm (he was not there - board only) she called him 3 times on the way home, the last as she was walking in the door at home according to the time stamp. She swears there is no other man, but she would.
So now what do I do? There is no was prove it and even if there were she already says she won't try so not much help. Do I just move on and hope she comes around? I have read enough on here to know that little steps are important but not to read too much into them. She has seemd to start pursueing me already, coming to me to sday goodnight, telling me she is leaving for work. Calling me during the day. But this may be she is just happy now that I am letting her go.
I took D to the store and when we got home W was home from work. W came over to me as within minutes to ask how it (MC) went. I gave a version of the letting go speach. Told her I understand what I did to her and that is all cycled out of control. I had no desire to control her but was hurt by her actions and responded in kind. Her response - "that's why I'm not sure I can get over the past", now this is the first time she has said "not sure" instead of "can't". Told her I would be moving out as soon as I can, she said there is no reason to right away...
Can you say mixed signals. She kept trying to start conversations with me about different things, I kept them short, but polite. Actually talked to her mother tonight in front of me. Again, she went out of her way to tell me goodnight (as she went into what was our bedroom)
I'm sticking to the withdrawl and will see what happens.
I am trying to be very careful not to get to excited over a few possibly positve small actions but she is acting differently the last few days.
Walk aways will send you mixed messages all the time because deep down they are confused. My W told me I should go out with such and such, then when I did she was furious. She was pissed when I began to be mysterious about my whereabouts even she was sneaking around with OM. She even went ape-sh*t when she found condoms at my house even though I had already confrunted her with proof of her affair. Turns out she still had feelings for me and she wasn't done with me even though she told me like a thousand times that she was.
I think it is critical given the newness of your sitch to find some proof if she is having an affair. Bringing it to light this early could really wake her up and change her mind towards you as far as "working on it" goes. otherwise keep up the good work of not pursuing her, pick up some new hobbies, stay busy and find yourself again.
