Honey, it's natural for things to hurt. You are human, he is your h of many years.
But, let me ask you something. Why do you know what he said to his sis in an email. Please tell her that you would rather not know what they are writing to each other. It doesnt do anything for you except set you back.
And don't project what you think are his feelings or lack of feelings. They are his and you have no idea what they are.
I know you think that you will never be able to do this. But, you will.
Detaching means that while you still love your h and are still standing, you are continuing to live your life without regarding to what he's doing. It means that you are loving from a distance. It means that you are becoming the person you were meant to be, for you.
Now, get back to your life, sweetie. Walk your journey. Let him walk his.
Here is a good article on detachment. I hope it helps.
irish..came looking for you. I haven't seen you on my thread for awhile and missed you.
I'm with you about the little things that hurt. tonight I told him how much I liked to sit on the deck with him and have a glass of wine, relax, listen to the neighborhood get ready for nightime. It's peaceful. Back in the day, H would have said.."I love being here with you too", with love in his voice, and a sparkle in his eyes..sometimes even tears in his eyes..because he was so emotional about how much he loved me. But instead there was this ugly silence. I felt so sad. It was just a little thing. I'm just missing the man I used to know.
And I know how much it must hurt to have your H go and do the things you two had planned to do together without you. I'm having some of those happen to me too. That's when I say..ok, I'll show you..I can do things that I have always wanted to do w/o you too. Maybe that's how it starts out and then you just do them because it feels good.
I don't know about you, but I keep wanting someone to just tell me what to do. I ask my C to tell me that all the time and he just laughs and tells me I have to figure it out for myself. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! It makes me want to scream. I say prayers at night for signs about what I'm supposed to do, and light candles for that..ask my friends..my family. But no one, not even God, will tell me what to do. And they shouldn't but it would feel so good to have a plan, a course to follow. i would not have made a good christopher columbus.
irish..I read that article on detaching..it was great. But I think it takes awhile for some of us to figure out how to apply it to our real everyday lives. I'm one of those.
Irish, others, what those before us are telling us, is there is nothing we can do.
And it does take a little bit, seriously you learn something new everyday and have an aha moment.
But the key is really just make it through the day, try not to make yourself too nuts.
I'm guilty of that, going man she said this and that now this.
Just do whatever you have to do at first, leave him alone, with your goal being see the stars and say "well I made it through the day."
Don't look for a crystal ball, man I pray like all of us, we heal, they heal, our family heals, but who the heck knows.
I read an article earlier today, I googled, falling back in love again with divorced spouse or something like that.
Anyway, the woman who wrote the article, it was 2 yrs of hell, but the moment she left him alone, took all he could give, he came home.
Now I wish us men had the same luck, but I know of time after time, the men do peek back out.
I have a realtor, her husband MLC, 2 yrs after divorce, here he comes asking her out.
My neighbor, he was married 25 yrs to his wife, divorce final for 3 and half years, he quits sending her xmas and bday cards, on Monday he gets a letter, "she's sorry and misses him, doesn't know what she was doing, would he consider giving it another go."
I'm glad the neighbor said something, I got him on this sight, heck he might be on here tonite.
Anyway, it hit me, get out of the way, if it's meant to be, it will be.
Not to hijack here, but how can you stay out of the way? Everytime we have contact, and that's not at all often, its with a legitamate reason, and he just seems angrier and more hateful towards me? And we live 80 miles apart.
punkin...et al Sometimes you can't stay out of their way physically...but you can emotionally...don't react to their moods in front of them...be consistant with your moods...preferably always borderline cheerful but too much to be fakey... My H and I had very little contact...more because of him then me and like yours he got more and more alien to me...angry without reason and a lack of expression in his eyes...I can't exactly put my finger on it but he didn't "look" right to me...(he was right, that was for sure) They are dealing with their own inside demons...some will eventually conquer those demons...sadly some may not...only time will tell...it is hard to say that any actions they are showing right now will give a clue because all the clues I got for 2 years lead me to believe he was gone for good...
I needed to come by here and see ALL of these responses! Thank you for caring and supporting. I'm still struggling today - bad night sleep - torturing myself with images of H holding someone else in his arms.
Brooklyn - you are right about letting SIL know not to share. Will do it kindly!
This hurt feels like a cancer inside of me right now - eating away at me. I don't want to feel this.
I am struggling with this part of my situation: What is my role in the demise TODAY? 3 years ago - when infidelity revealed - used MC to own up to my own s**t and have worked hard to make personal changes (respecting H more, paying more attention to the way I look, act, etc., collaborating) - the kids noticed good changes. Now that he is gone and has disclosed his continued infidelities over these 3 years and such - what am I owning up to NOW? I understand that I need to get stronger - and maybe I've been an open wound all this time and have never really healed from the onset. I just feel lost. Maybe I'm trying to rush the healing - never really giving myself over to the pain. Maybe I'm afraid that if I do I won't be able to function as a mother or an employee or friend.
I am so grateful for this board!
Last edited by irishblessings; 07/20/1004:19 PM.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Stomach still hurts...I don't want the pain. I am TIRED!!! I am not the same person I was a few months ago. I don't know WHO I am anymore!
Scared about going to attorney tomorrow. Wondering if H is mentally ill, sex addict, or MLC or all of the above. If he's in MLC - what stage? He walks around very sure of himself - completely detached from me and our life together. Infrequently texts kids regarding surface things - avoidance of feelings talk. I have tried very hard to stay quiet with him - only respond to his texts about mail or kids. I feel as if my mind is shot to h*ll! Lose track of what has happened, when, impact, ~ I need to have a good grasp of where I am and what has happened to me so that I can heal. Is this normal?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
