Warrior..does it make you want to give up sometimes?
Today I had a bit of a panic attack. My H has been acting really wierd lately (wierder than normal) and it made me think he is playing some kind of cruel game with me. Sneaking around, hiding things, secretive, overly nice sometimes, and cold and distant others. He trys to be my friend but it feels like he just wants to bolt. I haven't worked for 5 years at my Hs suggestion..he said why don't you just retire and do some stuff you like. You don't need to work now, I make enough and it makes me feel good to take care of you. So, like a idiot, I did. I had a great career, but gave it up to move with my H as he climbed the ladder. We talked about it and decided that his job was the one that would make the most money, so I agreed to give it up as we moved around. I have enjoyed being home and doing my hobbies and taking care of my grandson..but i lost myself in the process too. So, now i'm trying to find the lost me and to figure out how I'm going to get back into the job market after so long,, stay married to the most wonderful man in the world, be a good mom and grandma and all the other stuff that goes into living a life. I am afraid, more than anything. Afraid of what is going to happen to me. Especially if he files for D and leaves me here alone to deal with the house, bills, no job, all that depressing stuff.
Anyway, it's hard for me to be able to write about it w/o sounding like a whiney little baby. i would be so much more attractive if I were more confident, more independent, just more.. I know it's a long process but it feels overwhelming sometimes. I'm better than i was since I have been taking panic attack meds at the suggestion of my C. I only take 1/2 the dose and they keep my emotions under check most of the time, but when I start thinking about what could happen, I can't control the fear sometimes. I'm trying to work thru this to the best of my ability..most of the time it seems either futile or non-productive.
My H does forget alot..and he has had 2 car accidents since all this started..he's usually so cautious. I'm probably repeating myself like an MCLer tonight. Just worn out. Another reason to try to keep the stress away.
Somtimes I wonder if he really is in MCL or just wants out of the marriage..wants someone else. That happens too. i don't want to believe that but i think about it once in a while.
You're right..just like trying to understand people I care about who are alcoholics, none of this MCL makes sense to me. I can't even put myself in their shoes which has been my way of dealing with everyone for as long as i can remember. And i'm so paranoid that he is reading my stuff here..or the OW is. What if they were pretending to be one of you guys? That's just silly, isn't it? Wow. I need to get me under control.
