She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

I get what you guys are saying.

No you don't. Not yet. But I think you're teetering right on the edge of getting it. You just need a bit of nudging by us to get you to drop off the edge into what you think is a bottomless abyss.

I stayed away all weekend boating, and she was sending me random text messages. That's not something she normaly does, so I knew she was just trying to see if I would respond. I actually ignored the messages and replied back the next morning.

Sounds like when you move away she chases.

When I went to the house to drop my boat off she told me that she hadn't yet made a decision.

I'm a little confused here. Decision about what? The marriage, the divorce, selling the house, moving into the rental...???

I told her that it's pretty simple. Either she wanted to be with me or she didn't, and if she really wanted to be with me she's make that decision. I told her that since she cant' then we need to continue doing what we're doing and I'll move on.

Ok, this tells me you still don't get what you're being told here. That's ok. It can be a bit paradoxical and scary. You're basically telling her if SHE wanted to be with you SHE would decide to do that. You're going to move forward because you don't see HER changing her mind. Go read robx's 'soft rejection' script again.

She said that she agreed to give me her decision by Monday and to wait.

This one is interesting. I'm assuming she's going to give you a decision whether she wants to work on the marriage or not. Is there some magic wand that's going to wave in front of her on between now and Sunday that's going to give her that answer? I'm not sure how someone can put a definitive time limit on something as complex yet as simple as the decision she is going to make.

I let her know that I didn't expect her decision to change and that I will continue doing what I'm doing.

Here you are still putting the decision in her hands.

You're saying, "Look, I'm here willing to work on the marriage. You're telling me you are going to give me an answer by Mon. I don't expect you to change directions because after all, you're in charge of where this relationship heads, not me. (you keep delivering the power into her hands) I'll just keep moving forward (although I'm really not because I'm still allowing you to decide whether we'll be together or not). But I will instantly change direction if you make a different decision(In other words, when you jerk the chain, I follow the pull).

Last week she agreed that I would leave once she got home from work. Up until now, I was staying at the house for dinner. Yesterday my D4 asked if I was staying for dinner tomorrow, and before I could say anything my W told her yes.

And why didn't you say, "Well actually I'm not. I have some very important things to attend to." (You snatching control back. The decision was made where you were going to leave once she got home from work - you allowed HER to control whether that was going to happen). It seems counter-intuitive, but your W would have had a definite reaction had you done that. You would snatch back control of your life. YOU decide what YOU are going to do...not HER. This was a perfect opportunity to gain back some control - it presents very little risk (in your mind; in my mind, I see no risk at all) with a big payoff.

This woman is very confused and loses control when she doesn't have the control.

Yes she is. And you're following the bouncing ball right along side of her.

I'm still pressing forward until this woman can show she's ready to commit to me and the R.

How about pressing forward until you decide you are ready to commit to the R?

I asked you some pretty tough questions a few posts back. Take the time to post your answers.

tbart, I really feel for you man. This concept is so simple, yet it appears to be invisible when someone is in your position. It was invisible to me when I was there. If you can grasp it, you'll go ah ha.

What do YOU want tbart?