Heartbroken and needing help!

[Grace_O]

Orlando huh? How long do you get to stay?

I'm sure you will have a great trip.

[irishblessings]

Thanks Rys and Grace - Headed to Orlando for 7 days of watching basketball and cooking for 12 growing 16 year old boys! But I actually am looking forward to it.

So today, I took S to counselor today. The C has been our MC and H's IC. He handled it really well. C said that son was skeptical about H's stories - said that son was aware that there was something "wrong" with his dad.

H took son to lunch today - spent 30 minutes with him - told him that he was having his car fixed and that there were multiple places he may be living over the next few days/weeks. Hoping to settle into a night security job at extended stay hotel so that he gets free room. School will start soon - so H will return to his job as HS counselor...yes that's what he is.

I went to IC this evening. Just lost it - but am getting much closer to detachment.
Counselor encouraged me to detach as needed but to remain compassionate to H's plight.

God help me!!!!!

[Truegritter]

Counselor encouraged me to detach as needed but to remain compassionate to H's plight.

Good advice.

The compassion part will come...after the detachment and a little further down the road.

Don't force it. Understand first.

[irishblessings]

Gritt,
Thanks for the reinforcement:)
I am concerned a bit about knowing how to detach and yet stand. Does that make sense?
Any insight?

[Truegritter]

I would say that is a very common question.

Detaching doesn't mean you don't love or care.

It is perhaps a paradox that you must separate yourself from your H to understand a deeper sense of love for him...

And compassion.

It allows you to heal and you cannot do that while you are caught up in the storm of his life.

You must walk ahead alone and shine a light back on the path and some day maybe H will see the light and make his way there...

[seeking answers]

Irish

Detaching does not mean stop loving. It means you step back from H's drama and do not get sucked in. From that vantage point you are better able to not let your H's antics affect you to the point that you're being reactive. It helps stop the LBS from spinning.

It helps to keep remembering that this is not about you. You did not break H and you can't fix him either.

[seeking answers]

Irish,

I'm sending you something that was posted to me a while back from C-Bart. It was very profound about the MLCer and LBS and I've never forgotten it. Hope it helps you as well.

C-Bart said:
You have got to be very careful here. The only analogy I can give you is of someone sinking in quick sand. If you panic and try and pull him out you will get sucked down with him. Your are no good to anyone standing in the same hole. Go look for some sticks and ropes(self improvements) but for God's sakes stay away from the hole.

[irishblessings]

SA and Gritt -

Thanks for the help! That analogy of quick sand is helpful. I know that the further away I am from him the better I feel. I love the man that was once there ~ but he is no longer available.

I want to feel better - I want to BE better - I want my kids to be proud of me - I want to be proud of me - and I want my husband to one day look at me with love, respect, and offer a renewed commitment.

A girl can dream:)......

[seeking answers]

YES, SHE CAN!!!

[irishblessings]

OK - why do little things hurt? H replied to an email from his sister in which he said he wasn't ready to talk about things but he was just working to get to the other side and worried about the kids. Also, he's now signed up for line dancing clubs and such - things that we had talked about doing.

He has NO feelings for me and it hurts like hell!