Well weirdness abounds. Without really realizing it I"ve kindof followed a lot of the DB'ing principles over the last few months. I have worked on getting a life, meeting people, focusing on myself and the things I can control.
For whatever the reason, perhaps it has just been all the hurt thrown my way over this year, the venom, the cruelty... I sortof moved on. I really do not need my wife any more emotionally. Not only have I fallen out of love with her but I really don't even like her as a person any more.
The change has been remarkable. Chemical even. I am with my boys on a vacation in Myrtle Beach... alone... and I am happy. Content.
I am looking at getting a house so I can house them and a potential nanny. I am planning on going to court in two weeks to fight for them.
Work is going well and I am enjoying the people with whom I am working.
My wife, on the other hand, is really struggling. She hit what I believe is MLC rock bottom. Because I am only sending her child support (to the tune of 2800 a month) she cannot support herself. she was trying to extort me this weekend to tell me that I could only have the kids if I sent her more money... I told her I would not.
so she brings the kids to me and says, "I"m ready now... I want us to be together again... I want us to be a family. I will move down this week while you have the boys."
The amazing thing is that I do not want her living with me. I am finally finding some peace and happiness and the thought of living with her and ramping up all the crap is really not good.
this is her way of asserting control again...
so I told her that I didn't want that.
I'm sitting here on the 11th floor of the sand dunes staring out at the surf and its really good.
So what I don't know is whether or not all the damage done is repairable. I do not love her anymore and I certainly do not trust her.
I am strong on my own two feet right now... and I feel that I hold all the cards in some ways.
I guess the problem I'm wrestling with is this: is she the person I married-- is that person still there? Or was that person just an idea I created in my head and the person I "met" this year is the REAL her. but if its not the real her... then is the real her ever coming back?
Obviously for the sake of the boys it would be great to reconcile. But right now my heart is looking up at me and saying, "are you freakin crazy dude? don't even do it. talk to the hand... yes I know know hearts don't have hands but if I did you'd be talking to it brother!"
She's out of money. I don't think she has any friends. Seems this is her only port of call. question is whether or not the port is still open for business or if it shut down a few weeks ago.
I will tell all of you that I am amazed that I feel this way, considering how I felt 6 months ago. But you beat a dog long enough its going to not come back.
and Cat and Eric... I do.. .actually now more than ever-- see her side. I think I may come up with a kindof list of requirements that I would need in order to take her back. and then we could go from there.
from a logistial standpoint, though, I think it would be great to get my boys back into the same town as me... then if she wanted to bolt again I would have some leverage and she couldn't run again...
and Cat... I have had a year to think about what I did in the relationship that was wrong... I truly believe I am a different person-- that I am much more aware of those around me. that I am much more considerate. and whoever I will end up in the future I will work to cherish and foster the relationship with them-- and never take it for granted.
