OH - as for what's holding me back, NOTHING. I have no excuses. The only thing I would waiver on is the dating issue for myself because my kids and H know that I answer to God, above all. HOWEVER... I guess I could reconcile that if I weren't really doing it and just saying I was doing it. But then, he'd throw it up to the kids that I was seeing other men ... I don't know. That's the only thing I wrestle with. I don't have a problem telling him to get out.
For some history, I went through this already before. H#1 who I was with for 7 years cheated on me a year into our marriage. The night I found out I packed all my stuff up and let in the middle of the night. (We lived in a rental and no kids, so no big deal for me to leave.) This is when I first read Dobson's Love Must be Tough. I found some self respect and in the end, H wanted me back and I didn't want him...even after the D was final.
Curren H has left before - 3 years into M. We reconciled. I "let go" then too. He moved out...I was at home with 2 young children. We've never lived near family so it's just me - no support system. Then several years later he had a cyber-affair with a stranger he met playing online poker games Busted that - and we then had a great 10 year run - up until recently. WHY do I want to be with this man??? Well, I guess the good years have been pretty darn good. We have 3 kids: this will affect them, our grandchildren.... I hate it for them if it ends up that he's the same a-hole his father was who did the same thing.
Well, I don't think I can do this tonight. I'm too emotional. I'm not afraid - don't get me wrong. I'm just in mourning today. Letting go of 20 years is not easy.
