I thought she told you she pulled back because she needed to find a hobby of her own????
I omitted a small comment she made during our conversation. She said
W: "No, wait. I mean, you need something from me, and, I don't think I can give it to you. I've realized lately what you're waiting for from me. That's why I pulled back, I mean, along with that thing about finding something for myself."
So now she's just minimizing and blowing that off, although she does need to GAL, as part of her own process.
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Also, OBSERVE her mindset. IMPORTANT.. She is telling you that she KNOWS you WANT something from her. This means that she doesn't veiw you as letting go. She feels PRESSURE.. When someone says I know you "WANT" something from me, it means they sense that you are the one pursuing or wanting something. You have to KNOW how to reaad these things...
Future, As long as you keep coming across to her like you are a poor poor me victim, she won't be able to feel what she needs to feel for you. Women don't normally fall for a man who they pity and feel sorry for. Every time you tell her how "hurt" you are or were hurt, is just taking you further from reconciling. You NEED to show her you are not only past the hurt, but past giving her a chance and time to decide whatever it is she wants to decide.
I don't necessarily see "letting her go" and "wanting something from her" as mutually exclusive. If we are to reconcile, I do want something from her, but I think I've made it clear to her she's free to go any time, and I'll be just fine. I don't think I'm coming off as a poor me victim, but rather someone who was wronged and is after a "reckoning" before we can move forward. She's the one who pursued me, she's the one who said she doesn't want a divorce. She's asked me over and over "What do you need from me?" I pretty much had convinced her that I was totally over everything. She liked that, no doubt, but it was resulting in her trying to "normalize" her A. During our date she playfully asked me if I had fun dating other women. I dodged it by saying "Now why do you want to know that?" She replied "If you want to know the details of my dating, you have to tell yours too." I said nothing in response, and I didn't show much reaction, but I knew what she was doing. She's trying to equate my dating with what she did, and it's BS. She has several times now casually referred to her extra-martial activity as "dating". I felt like it was a kind of test. If I had allowed her to equate the two, out of some sort of effort to smooth things over (i.e. nice guy), I would have failed the test.
You are right gucci, she does want to see from me that I've totally gotten over everything, so that she doesn't feel guilty. She wants a free pass for what she did.
I really have no intention on continually harping on this stuff. I just had to get it off my chest. No way I could continue forward with her holding it in any more.
You are effectively saying no marriage can be reconciled after an A unless the betrayed partner shows the wayward partner they're fine with everything. That sounds to me like lack of self respect.
I do agree that showing them you've moved on and are no longer interested in reconciliation drives their interest and "feelings" up, but that's different from showing that you're fine with what they did.
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Also, you asked her over to watch a movie AFTER she had told you she was going to say no to your invitations. Your self esteem is at issue here. Why is your self esteem so low that you can't let this woman go? Don't you see that you are coming across as weak? It is NOT attractive to a woman for you tell her how "hurt" you are. I don't care if you feel like it felt good to get it off of your chest or not. She needs to see that not only are you over the hurt, but that you are over her and that she has gone too far. THAT is when you have your chance to see her remorse at it's best.
I didn't include everything from the day. She had already been in and out of the house a couple times picking up the kids, and had already done her hiking thing with our oldest daughter. The movie was one of her favorites and was sitting on the counter in the kitchen. Our son showed it to her and asked if she would watch it with us that night. I said that would be ok, and she said "Sure! Absolutely!" I didn't exactly put myself out there with an invitation for her to decline.
And I did let her go. She asked for me back. As Puppy and BeingMe have said, eventually we do need to talk about our R, and in particular, about what she did. I really don't want to dwell on it, I'd rather have fun with her, but I can't let her just normalize it away either.
I probably should be playing harder to get. I was "gone" for six months, including the holidays. I was hoping that was enough.
