Thanks Hope!! I have had so much peace about this!! I have always worried what others will think of me if we separate--I just don't care WHAT people think anymore!! In fact, I am afraid of what they will say if I STAY with him!! I have told a couple of friends the real deal, and they have given me HELL for not leaving sooner. Yikes!
Well, we'll see if I can be "sucked back" easily--I too have a hard time remembering things as they really are. I know with THIS person, if I don't have a lot of "detachment" then I will be abused big-time. Ultimately, is this what I want?? To always fight so hard for any measure of respect and love??? I think it's too high of a price to pay for the crumbs he offers.
I hate it when they act out of character- it makes what was seeming like a straightforward decision harder. I would just point out that this is VERY uncharacteristic of him and unlikely that it's a real, lasting, change after all the years of acting the opposite. I would watch and wait. Do not project, do not change what you're doing, and just wait. I think you need time to heal from his abuse no matter what happens in the future. The feelings and reactions you describe in yourself when you do totally human things (like lose your phone, break something, etc.) are what I think of as classic abusee symptoms. They are not normal or healthy- I think you already know that. No one should be afraid of a loved one's reaction to doing things everyone does. And mothers should be allowed to explain and talk to their kids without fear of being called stupid or getting it wrong, etc. This is not loving behavior. I would not trust anything he does right now - just watch and wait and take care of yourself. Are you still going to IC?
-A
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
THanks everyone for the reality check! YEs, I"m still in IC and see her tomorrow. Will go over these feelings with her.
I must say what is hard is that when we were together, he was "nice" like this often = in between the snaps, criticisms. So it is even more confusing because back in the day, this was "characteristic". It feels "normal" like before but certainly since we've broken up I"ve gotten less - well actually very little - of this "normal". I still need the reminders that it's not "normal" if I'm still shaking inside. I need to remember it's the uncertainty and the fear that is real inside me and I need to continue to protect myself. Thank you, friends.
I start excusing his behavior in my mind, thinking, "many on these boards consider this just 'spew' and I'm taking it too far to consider it abusive".
Must struggle there too. Trying to validate my own feelings "if it feels abusive, it probably is."
Although I still love my husband and would want to work on the relationship, "work" is the operative word. Unless he admits his part, his anger problem, then I must stay strong and continue to plan on the D.
-Waiting, watching, not expecting anything, focusing on making me happy and serene.
Well, we'll see if I can be "sucked back" easily--I too have a hard time remembering things as they really are. I know with THIS person, if I don't have a lot of "detachment" then I will be abused big-time. Ultimately, is this what I want?? To always fight so hard for any measure of respect and love??? I think it's too high of a price to pay for the crumbs he offers.
AGreed! Why is it hard to remember things as they really are? Instead of how they once were, or how we hope they will be,etc?
You are right. I do not want to have to fight for any respect or love. I am done with that. H is responding well for the moment from my pullback, so I highly recommend the same. Remember, Laura, you were there months ago encouraging me to "go dark". IT's taken me a while, but you and everyone else here was right =- I have more peace than I thought possible and look forward to a lot more.
Get your H to move out and see the difference in your peace of mind!!!!!!
Soooo glad to have you on the path to peace. It's all different, and yet it's the same. WE have to do SOMETHING or we'll be stuck in that hamster wheel!!
Ok, I'm finally getting it. After a year lol. If he thinks he wants a divorce, I need him completely out of my life - test him. Give it to him. Wait and watch.
No more family time. No more talking unless it's business through email. No more chats. NO friendship. This is opposite of what the DB coach said, but frankly it's the one thing I"ve been scared to try. Nothing to lose. Probably gain more peace and sanity.
Yes and yes at gaining more peace and sanity. Just try to look at it as something you're doing for you--for you to be able to detach and heal, not something you're doing to him as punishment. Like, I'm not going to chit chat with you because I'm mad at you at all you've done to us and me, so there. Instead you need to come from a place of, I'm not going to chit chat with you because I'm trying to accept our new situation and those moments of the old us make my emotions go up and down. It's the latter you need on auto replay in your head.
When we exchanged my son, any talking was just about logistics if needed and the rest was directed at S--saying hello and goodbye to him. I never looked at my H's face because that was too, intimate isn't quite the word I'm looking for, but maybe too familiar.
I don't know if I ever would have gotten to a place of friendship with my H. There was never any fighting or anything and we were always able to have a combined family birthday party for S, and do school stuff jointly, but that was it.
to be honest Hope, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't at this point. IMO, there isn't anything *you* can do anymore. Obviously there are things you can do to help pound more nails in the coffin (like setting all his stuff on fire on the front lawn), but none of this other stuff really matters anymore. The changes and revelations all need to come from within him now and like the horse saying, you've brought him to the water with your changes. Now it's up to him to see if he ever figures out he can drink it. KWIM?
Your job now is to do things that help your emotions and your healing and rebuilding. Doing so isn't severing all hope or wishes of a reconciliation. If he ever gets his head straight he'll find his way back to you.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Freckle you are so right! ARe you saying that you had a period of only "business" discussions re: S? Wow. How long did that go on for? I hate to admit it, but it does give me hope. Otherwise, this NC feels like the death toll.
And you're right, there's nothing I can do. It's unhealthy for me to continue to "try" to do things to please him or "get" him to reconsile. It's sick actually. I'm over it. Staying away from him FINALLY (only took me a year!) feels good for me. I don't have panic attacks (much) any more and my mind is clear to focus on myself instead of obssessing on H all the time. I'm sad yes, but at least I can hear my own thoughts instead of my fears and regrets and anger re: H all the time.
H continues to be "nice" in response to my pullback. I'm not buying it. But it is good. I even got a "thank you" via text today. I decided I"m not the one going to say please, thank you, or sorry any more. I finally got one in return. Small crumbs, but long awaited.
Now the scary part. I need to "talk" to him re: discipline. He still yells at and threatens S. S told me today that last night and this morning H did this. I am not around H any more so I can only pray he's not being abusive to S although he clearly is. I have removed myself from the abuse, but poor S remains the victim.
So here's my plan: "Talk" (either phone or email - I will not sit in the same room and risk being called names, laughed at, mocked, etc). If he doesn't stay calm or blames me then conversation over.
Next step. H said he may attend a parenting class. Get a good one and see if he will follow through.
Next step. IF he avoids both of these, I go to the lawyer and fight for more custody. End of discussion. And anger management classes and drug testing.
I am preparing for the final step anyhow, but it will come sooner than later if I need to protect my child. I will not be passive any longer.
