The twins are actually step-sons, but they have been mine since they were 4 years old. Last February 2, one of the twins had twins, one boy and one girl. Now, with the way things are, I don't know that I'll get to be part of their lives very much. They do not live here.
warrior..I am so sorry that you and your wife are going to go to court for a divorce in a few weeks. Do you think she'll go thru with it? You mentioned that you think she has been in MLC for about 3 years. I was thinking about that and then how long my H has been going thru this and I think it started about 2003 or so. It started very slowly and he just was enjoying the attention of other women at that point. But didn't do anything..at least not that I knew of. And to be fair, maybe this happens to all guys, I don't know. But it wasn't until about a year after we moved here..in about early 2007, that he started to think about having more kids for real and maybe doing something about it. When he had his A, (the one that I know of anyway), she was a co-worker and old enough not to want anymore kids..she had two already and they were getting ready to graduate from high school. Now, he seems to be looking for a younger woman so that he can have some kids with her.
We actually talked about his wanting more kids today. The subject came up when we were talking about my little grandson. He said that he still wanted to have more kids but realized that he was too old now and would just have to be content to wait until his daughter had kids so he could be a grandpa. Now, that is what he SAID, not sure if he really thinks that..and in keeping with all i'm learning here..I'm not going to dwell on it or let it ruin my day worrying about it. If he thinks he wants to find a younger woman and have more kids, then he will and there's nothing I can do anyway.
Anyway, I had a good day today. Actually a good weekend. I have been reading, goofing on the computer, looking for jobs, cleaning and all that good stuff. We went to a baseball game today, my H and I..it was fun. I didn't say anything when he oggled women. it was a beautiful day and I just enjoyed it!
Anyway, our situations do sound alot the same, Warrior. Can you say how old you are or maybe you don't want to say, that's ok too. I plan to go back and read my thread from the beginning. I need to refresh my memory for all that has been said. I hope both of us have the endings we are hoping for. I am praying for all of us here. It's nice that we all have each other.
Taylor, Do I think she will go through with it? One thing I have learned so far is when they say something one day it can be far different the next. What I think is irrelevant. The tunnel thing. I read about that with the heartsblessing posts and they can run back into the tunnel before coming out further again. Nothing is further from that truth. What happens is you get to experience them peek out of the tunnel and things seem to be going in the right direction and then they retreat back. When they retreat back, you ride the roller coaster with them. This is where the detaching thing must become part of you. If you don't do your training on detaching, you pay for it over and over again. You have to decide when you get sick of paying for it. When you can truly detach, then it does not matter what they say anymore. Somewhere in the posts it says believe none of what you hear and 50 percent of what you see. Tried to convince myself that I am exempt from that. I am not exempt. I see you are trying to do the calculations so you can figure out when this ends. Me too. It does not appear that it will work that way. God is the one with the formula. YOU are in the formula too. It will be part of the result. The result may not be what we are expecting. If you work on YOU, the result will be spectacular! You and I are in our own fog. The LBS fog. We have better equipment than the MLC'r to get through the fog that will be good for us. WE HAVE: Faith in our Creator Faith in His blessings Faith in ourselves (Tough to grasp for a while and always a work in progress)
MLC'rs have none of this equipment. Their equipment is broken and dirty. None of it works well for long and then they have to drag the results along with them wherever they go.
I could go on and on. Contained in the blessings are things like knowledge (books on MLC, this board, internet info on MLC, books on how to better ourselves), counselors that are versed on MLC, friends and family. I set up a network of friends that get it, don't get it, and are clueless. Guess who I talk to the most? Please know that I don't recommend this because the more people around you and your husband that know about this will make it much more difficult to dig out of the mess IF it all works out in the end. Since you and I can't control anybody, we have to do the work on ourselves. If you are like me, you get angry or frustrated when somebody says you have to work on yourself. I am so far away from being an authority on any of this stuff.
I would love to tell you how old I am. Just paranoid I guess.
When you wrote: (Don't know how to do the quote thing yet)
It started very slowly and he just was enjoying the attention of other women at that point. But didn't do anything..at least not that I knew of. And to be fair, maybe this happens to all guys, I don't know.
What do you mean about maybe this happens to all guys? And to be fair? What's that?
That threw me. Enjoying the attention of other women? Just need some clarity here if you don't mind.
I wasn't really being fair, was I? That was a blanket statement to mean that most guys get real giddy when a woman is looking their way, and take it to mean that they are desireable. But women do that too. I like it when men look at me too, I guess I just never thought of it much. It is flattering. So, sorry about the comment..not all men ooogle women nor do they have As. And there are plenty of men out there who are confident in who they are and don't need the validation from anyone else, much less women.
I sure hope your wife at least postpones the D for awhile so that you guys have a little bit longer to let it work itself out. I know that all the time in the world won't matter until THEY are ready to come back. We watch alot of movies and some of them address things like that. Coming back doesn't mean anything unless it is their choice and unless they are in the right spot.
Did you read Divorce Remedy? I used to do all that stuff you read about here..send links to articles I thought would interest him, read passages from books, send him love notes and long long letters about how my feelings and thoughts, and memories. It only pushed him farther away. I did give him the Divorce Remedy book to read, and he said he just may read it, as it looks easy to read. Do you think that is detrimental? to give him the book, I mean?
Warrior..have you figured out the detach thing? I am getting better with it, but still make mistakes.
Did you go to the Facebook website? There is a group of DB people there. Most have pics of the people we are talking to on this DB forum. If you create a FB profile and then go to the DB group, you can join the group and see what's going on over there, too. Did you post your own thread yet?
Most recommend not giving DR to spouse. It is the LBS's 'play book'. You do not want the WS to know that you're trying to bust the divorce. It puts pressure on them and sends them in the other direction.
It also mentions this site and you definitely don't want your S to find this place.
Taylor, I was pulling your chain a little bit on that attention from other women thing. See my wife knows that I would never leave her for another woman. She knows that precisely because I don't oogle other women. I have been baited in the past from her before all of this started with her by her asking me things like, "Look at her, why can't I look as good as she does?" Then I am forced to look at the woman in question and I always have said to her "Honey, she is pretty but man I would never trade you. You are not only as pretty and beautiful as her, but I know how intelligent you are too. I have no idea how intelligent that woman is." This resulted in a kind of a (you are just saying that look) because my wife never really could take a compliment no matter how true it really was. Not from me, not from anybody. That was the low self esteem; not worthy stuff she had going on in the background since I met her. Little did I know that the underlying reason for this is buried in the childhood issues side of her. So that is a feather in her cap through this. She has our sacred history knowing that I would never leave her because I have told her over and over and over through the years. It helps fuel her desire to go through this and see if the grass is greener on the other side. That deep down part of her gives her that insurance policy that "I know he will always take me back no matter what"
But in the MLC life they push that down, they push down what anybody else thinks, they push down the being a responsible mother, start affairs, file for divorce, treat the spouse horribly because it must be their fault that they are unhappy.
If she is still involved with the OM (and I know she is), then she will go through with it and not delay. If she delays, I figure she has reached a point where she still is not sure and is confused. She is a very smart, very beautiful woman. Just not very smart right now. The rock bottom of this will then have to occur. The damage will be great and then her pride will get in the way. Who gets to help clean up this mess? You guessed it. The LBS that has been showing the light from the beginning. That is another reason why you have to work on yourself. They can't come back to a spouse that is curled up in a ball in pain and they won't. If they don't come back because of pride or never come out, the working on YOU will get you to the life you deserve. So you and I have no choice. We have to do things and read things to get our head right and body right.
About the fb and thread thing. I guess I will eventually do that. Again I am paranoid about all of that because the OM has done this to another MLC woman in the past. She woke up and went back to her husband. Took a couple years. I think he knows my wife is in MLC and is taking advantage of her for himself. That might bring him here or fb. When he gets what he wants, he can dump her and move on. Wonderful people we have in this world HUH?
See, I believe that most wake up like the books say, they just have to hit bottom first. Everyone is different, the trauma they went through is different. Too many variables for consistent and precise time frames. Again, Is this fair to the LBS? Wrong question. The question still is, what can YOU do to make the best YOU. To feel good about YOU. Because YOU are in control of YOU. Life is too short to sit in this for the rest of our lives. If your husband is in MLC, then you have to decide what the dealbreakers are and be able to walk with your head high after that. You would not want it any other way. If he comes back halfway, without fully resolving this journey, it will come back again. I see this with my wife now. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am nuts, but I see this for what it is.
Cadet..I think that my H probably knows about this place because of a link that I sent him regarding an archived article I found on MLC when I first starting visiting here. What can I do now to get rid of all this info that I've posted as ltaylor and start over so he doesn't find it..or is there even any way to do that?
Seeking..I regret to admit that I have already given the DR book to my spouse. I haven't read the whole thing yet but figured it was called Divorce Remedy because both spouses needed to read it. I didn't realize that it was a "play book". oops. Now what?
