Briefly thought "Why bother? I'm hurt enough. I don't think I can get past this? It's too much"
Then I realized that THIS isn't my W. This is an addict and if I abandon her (regardless of the final outcome) then my sense of "right" and "commitment" and "follow though" for my D is lacking.
And I won't do that to D.
You're thinking correctly, CD.
This is the "storm" thing I told you about earlier. There simply is no way to get to other side, but thru it.
So now we're going back and forth by text as she is now "not sure" about letting me have D Sat am for vacation.
She said "I'm giving up my weekend with D completely. For what" I said" It's a day and a half. She's not a negotiating tool. You'll have her back for the Sunday eve and Monday of the long weekend. I don't see the problem'
PDT- I'm thinkin NOW is the time for the Letting Go text.
Yes, I'm frazzled and emotional...right now.
Sorry, but this is not a good day. And I'm losing patience and it's P'ing me off that she's so calm.
"You know what? I've had a lot of time to think and though I initially supported you in our "crisis", I can see now that that's clearly not what this is anymore. Our marriage, though it needed repair and I completely acknowledge my 50%, is not the reason our family is being torn apart. The affair is the reason and you own that. So, you have made your decision and I have made mine.
I deserve better than this. If you have this little regard or respect for our past 7 years, then I need to move on as quickly as possible."
Or should I just conced the vacation plans hassle; not let it affect my outlook and take D according to the sched?
And keep fanning the flames of exposure?
Sorry, but I'm losing hand and don't know how I did or how to get it back.
Sorry, but this is not a good day. And I'm losing patience and it's P'ing me off that she's so calm.
Look, don't let her turn this back ON YOU. This woman knows you better than anyone else in the world, which means she knows ALL OF YOUR BUTTONS, and trust me, son, SHE'S GOING TO PUSH EVERY DAMNED ONE OF 'EM, starting with the ones she knows always work the best.
Yes, she appears calm. So effing what? Does it really make a difference? "a" you don't know if she's calm on the INSIDE, and "b" even if she is, that says a helluva lot more about her than it does about you. (poor character, that this wouldn't even bother her).
She is strongly into "not going to give him the satisfaction" mode. I suggest you do the same, while making your behind-the-scenes moves.
The converse of the above is also true, of course: you know HER better than anyone else on the planet. (I know, I know, you're saying "Well, I THOUGHT I did, but ...." -- just bear with me).
What is the ONE THING you think she FEARS THE MOST at this point?
Have you taken inventory of what you believe your leverage points are, if any??
An example might be exposure to a certain person, getting cut off financially, or you filing for custody of C. But make a list.
So now we're going back and forth by text as she is now "not sure" about letting me have D Sat am for vacation.
She said "I'm giving up my weekend with D completely. For what" I said" It's a day and a half. She's not a negotiating tool. You'll have her back for the Sunday eve and Monday of the long weekend. I don't see the problem'
btw, it needs to be said that this was AN EXCELLENT RESPONSE, esp. the bolded part. Good for you!!!
You should have ended it with a leading, declarative, assumptive statement, tho, such as "Let's just stick to the plan of you drop her off by 6" (or whatever) " and get thru this without killing each other."
Her fear is custody. #1. Her "safety net" is the presumption she'll be taking some equiuty from the house sale. She wouldn't be so cocky if she knew she'd be broke or possibly taking "debt" as the door prize.
I'll set up the banking plan ( to cover the expenses) and present it. Then she'll see how much spending money she doesn't have.
Like everything else, she won't sign that either.
Found out she spent 150 on her CC at a lwyer in town she works. Oh, and BOTH airfares last week. And the rental car. And the hotel in "Mountain Town" not "Shopping Town" on her B'day (remember the "You underestimate me" weekend?)$600.
All on her personal card. And I'm gonna firewall myself against that being "our debt", too.
She spent 3500 in a month and a half. Sure, some groceries and gas, but Holy Crap!!
Time for me to get a lawyer signed up. Not just consults. Get MY VERSION of the Sep Agreement drawn up and present it.
A family court judge isn't going to look too kindly upon such -- as we say here in the States -- "squandering of marital assets."
I'm sure you've already thought of this, and probably even started it, but it would be best for you to go into your meeting with the atty on Wed with a list of questions, to keep yourself on-task.
