It has been a while since I posted and I just wanted to check back in.
I have decided to move forward with the divorce. I know in my heart I can no longer be married to someone who lives a double life. Besides, I don't really have a choice in the matter since he was the one that left me.
My family and a few close friends know about all the details and I can say that it has been so comforting to finally get it all out.
This is still very painful. I still deeply love the person I thought I was marrying but know that person either never existed or is long gone but it's still extremely hard.
This weekend was our 10 year reunion. We worked on the plans together with several other friends. We didn't talk the entire time. Obviously, people asked how WH was and I said "we are separated". It was hard because I tihnk people were very shocked and didn't really know what to say but I didn't want to lie. From what hear he really hasn't told his friend's anything about the situation and only one or two know we are separated which I think is very odd but none of my business anymore.
Yesterday (day after reunion) was just a flood of emotions. I cried all day long. I think it was just very hard seeing him. And it was also hard knowing that so many people know about the impending divorce now. Obviously, people don't know the whoel situation so they are specualting and it's just hard. I was just crying because for whatever reason I miss him. I miss him terribly. There were several times during the beginning of the night when we were setting up and had to interact that I almost instinctively said "baby" or "sweetie". I still care so deeply for him. I hate that this is happening. I hate that things are ending like this. I never thought I would be here. I never thought this would be me. I don't understand why he married me if that is the type of lifestyle he wanted. It's just very painful.
He will be served the divorce papers in about 2 weeks at which point he will realize that I know all about what he has been doing since the separation. I am also working on a letter that I would like to read in court when our divorce is finalized or have my lawyer give to his lawyer. It wont be anything mean or nasty - I would just like to say a few final words. He has hurt me so deeply.
