Just to be clear, I'm only recommending getting your legal ducks in a row to protect yourself and your child, only you can decide when you should leave.
Yep, thanks TT. That's exactly what I'm doing- using this (in a way, a gift) time to prepare, research, calculate budgets, etc. It's a mixed blessing- I tend to analyze and over-think, so I would've been terrified and stressed if I'd had to make a move quickly, but having lots of time to think and still being in the same house has its negatives for me, too. I think it's good for our child, though, as long as we're getting along, which we usually are.
I'm just weirded out by the recent mixed messages. And as I think I mentioned earlier, although I'm LBS, I can totally see me moving this along b/c I'm sick of the limbo. I'm trying to get in that mindset of "why would I want to hang on to someone who has been very clear they don't want me?" but it's not very easy. It was easier when I was getting clearer "I don't want you" messages. So I got into the mindset of I'm moving out, I'm going to have to be on my own, etc., only to be thrown for a loop when I get contrary messages (he never says "I'm re-thinking things" or anything like that, but it's other things he does that are confusing. And I'm tired of being confused.) It's also a mixed blessing that we get along most of the time- it leads us to do family activities for child's sake, etc. Which then feels like a family and so on.
If I were to just judge him on how he behaves now- to ask if this is the kind of partner I want for the rest of my life- the answer is a sad, and slightly ambivalent "no". In a way it would make it easier if he were a total jerk- that's pretty clearly someone I don't want to be with.
But right now my feeling is- just let me go. If you're sure you don't want me, let me go so I can start healing and moving on. I know I can "let myself go", but that's harder for me to be the one to leave when there are ambivalent feelings in the air.
This weekend he was offering to do all sorts of things for me, being helpful in a way I haven't seen in months. I felt reluctant to accept his help- it seems to keep me in limbo, or be taking a step backwards. But it's so tempting- I want a partner who offers to do nice things for me, I've been missing that. But I also don't feel like being jerked back and forth- it's too confusing.
