Sorry for double posting as I already posted this on the Infidelity forum, but wanted to also post here because I haven't gotten any feedback lately. Don't know if people don't like my handling of my sitch or what. I know it's best to keep to one thread but I'm feeling pretty hopeless and depressed this morning.
I am very frustrated this morning and I think I need a new plan of action. I thought I’d made progress, but I guess not! I haven’t gotten any responses lately and I truly need some help! I don’t care if it’s by way of 2x4’s telling me I’ve done everything wrong! I need advice before I go crazy!
H and I had a conversation about 2am this morning as a result of neither of us being able to sleep. I guess I allowed myself to be baited after he asked what I was thinking about and I commented I was frustrated; that it didn’t feel good to have your spouse trying to constantly get away from you. Now, keep in mind that I THOUGHT we were supposed to be working on the R. I thought wrong. His comments were that while we are legally married, he does not feel emotionally married to me. That he feels nothing for me. Then he said that he is pretty confident this won’t work out, “but he could be wrong.” I expressed my dissatisfaction of thinking we were working on M only to find him retreating worse into his own world. Told him he was waiting on feelings but actions have to be taken to bring back those feelings. He scoffed.
I did a good job of staying calm; didn’t cry. I commented that he had said he would go to counseling and to the retreat weekend, but he only went to counseling once. He said he did not feel it would do any good. Said he would go on the weekend (similar to Retrovaille ?) if it would make me feel better. ???
I told H that I felt he was not being honest. Said I truly feel he is involved somehow with another woman – emotionally. That texting/emailing/calling someone else was not right. Of course he denied there being anyone but did say he’d talked with several friends – both male and female about our situation.
It truly seems that H’s intentions are to stay with me in this roommate type relationship until he is ready to make his move and leave. I think he likes staying because he still gets to be the good guy and doesn’t want to hurt the kids. I think he figures he can hang in with things as is until the youngest is out of school in 4 years. He even said he wanted me to finish my education and for me to “be ok physically and mentally”
He made the comment that he doesn’t know why I want to stay with him. I felt like telling him I probably shouldn’t want to! I just said I made a commitment before God 20 years ago…and that I felt our family was worth fighting for. He said maybe I was just afraid of not finding someone else. I told him I was not afraid of that at all and I wasn’t afraid of being alone either! He said that was good. :-/
We discussed sex and I stated I was no longer up for “just sex”. That it was cold and lonely and it might feel good short term but if there is no true commitment to this R (and I thought there was, previously) I could no longer engage in that.
So, I think I covered the conversation pretty well. It ended and I went back to bed and he followed shortly. So guess what? He then proceeded to put his arm around me and kiss me… talk about mixed messages!
I just don’t know what to do at this point. I am so close to just telling him if he really wants out, to just go. I don’t think I can live in a marriage like this for several years while he bides his time. It’s so hard to live with him and him be so detached. I don’t care if it’s because of someone else or what the reason…I can’t live this way! I deserve love and true commitment.
I feel totally mixed up because he has messed up my game with leading me to believe we were working things out. What do I do now? Let go? DB? Try to catch him in the A (assuming there is one) and expose??? The sad part is, I think if there is not OW then he truly does not love me and there is no hope – that it’s not just someone else drawing his attention away. Is that crazy to think that?
Hi SunnyD - what do YOU want to do? I am new here. My H has had an atty contact me but has not yet filed. I believe he is having an EA via phone which he has not admitted.
I did not read your other thread, but the biggest thing I picked up on is that you don't sound like you know what YOU want. I think that's where you need to start.
I would have said a lot of the things you did - in the past. Now, I'm walking the border of DB/LRT.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
For those of you hurting and searching for your answers...
Setting them free is the key... It will also begin to set YOU free...
Love works best when it is freely given..
This means to those of you who have a wayward that your chances to reconcile will be maximized when you really set your wayward free to go. They have to feel that they are totally free.... As Dobson says.. Let the cage door open and let them out...
Funny thing is that once they have their freedom it suddenly doesn't have the same pazazz as they once thought it would. They have been trying so hard to get out of your grasp that they didn't have time to think about what they would feel once they were really free of you.... Think about that
I know this from my own experience with women and from my own observations...
Any thoughts? Anybody looking for help in setting them free? The faster you do, the faster things progress. Not only for YOU but maybe even for the whole relationship...
I have heard many people say "I don't want to look back and say that I didn't try everything"
Have you really tried setting them free? for good?
Hi Sunny- You've commented and supported me over the last bit and I see you are struggling so let me offer my feedback/advice. (I've changed username- used to be Cxllasdad)
You are in this situation because YOU haven't decided; not him. I believe by REACTING to every nuance of everything he says or does, it is impossible for YOU to pick a direction (whether it be GAL'ing or 180's or whatever.
Until YOU DECIDE where your personal integrity lies and pick "a road for you", he'll keep delaying your departure.
He, like any WAS, has you right where he wants and needs you- 1-Compartmentalized into his life. 2-Available 3-Pacified 4-Believing his contadictory positions make sense 5-Waiting
I don't recall seeing an echange w H where he gets all bent out of shape with you. Why is that? Because their anger means they are NOT getting what they want from you to fit their situation. GET OUT OF THE BOX Don't be afraid of conflict with him. It means he "feels" you moving away. We know every WAS is selfish/self-centered. And they NEED to control everything to FIT their sitch/fantasy.
DO WHAT YOU WANT!! Break the chains! AND Drop the Rope.
The sooner you go where YOU want to go with YOUR LIFE, the sooner you'll have the answer.
And I think YOU are thinking of the wrong question for that answer.
The question isn't about what he wants.
The question is WHAT do you want?
A Man who can't decide? A man who procrastinates on decision regarding OTHERS lives? A man that wants his cake...... A man that sees 20 years as 'disposable'?
You know those answers.
So what and who (not specifically but personality-wise) DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE.
Look at it this way.
You know what I am doing in my sitch. I am exposing and still trying to love the shell that remains of my wife for the sake of our D and "us" I'm gonna be taking abuse from all sides and this could still go the way of D. I KNOW that she and OM are lying to anyone and everyone ABOUT ME in order to keep this rationalized/enabled
Which type of man is more appealing to you? Which type of man do you deserve?
My apologies if it's a little harsh but you really need to start looking at YOUR self-interests.
His waffling and such gives you hope. What you need is a future. GO GET ONE. And know you can-whether with or without him.
And THIS . . . well, this is just f*c&ing brilliant:
Quote:
Until YOU DECIDE where your personal integrity lies and pick "a road for you", he'll keep delaying your departure.
He, like any WAS, has you right where he wants and needs you- 1-Compartmentalized into his life. 2-Available 3-Pacified 4-Believing his contadictory positions make sense 5-Waiting
"Pacified." I've never seen that term used around here, but that's EXACTLY the best way to describe it. I'm stealin' it!!!
you need to drop the rope asap. the longer you allow him to stick around, he'll eat cake. and when he's not eating caking, he'll be looking for the negative in everything you do to justify his actions. so as long as you are still interacting, you are making it easy for him to pick at your flaws. this will lead to you "walking on eggshells" and the insanity just eats away at you.
tell me .. is that how you want to live? nobody should have to live like that.
take the robx/gucci approach. this is a speech i posted to shelby a while back:
Quote:
i think you should 'act as if' until you have spoken to your lawyer and protect yourself (gucci terms: cover all of your bases financially). he will think 'this is easy .. i love cake.' once that's all done, then give him the "i've been thinking about us and you're right. it took me a while to come to terms with it but i can see where you are coming from and i think d-ing is for the best. i want to look out for our kids' best interest and not disrupt their lives because of this so i think it's best that you move out. the couch is not an option because the kids will ask questions and it just won't work. your stuff is here and the door is over there."
other's have used a version where they banish the was to the guest room or couch. my version is harsher - was doesn't get the couch or floor.
i don't remember whether your sig indicated whether you have kids or not. if not, the speech can be modified.
Hi SunnyD - what do YOU want to do? I am new here. My H has had an atty contact me but has not yet filed. I believe he is having an EA via phone which he has not admitted.
I did not read your other thread, but the biggest thing I picked up on is that you don't sound like you know what YOU want. I think that's where you need to start.
I would have said a lot of the things you did - in the past. Now, I'm walking the border of DB/LRT.
I want to save my marriage. 20 years and 3 kids is a lot to fight for. Do I want to be treated like some roommate in my own home??? No, of course not. I don't think I can do that long-term.
Pearl beat me to it. Definitely, time to go "Robx/Gucci" on his sorry ass.
Puppy
Well, I told him 5-6 weeks ago that he was free to leave. It was somewhat of the Dobson speech in email form... He chose not to leave. He said he wanted to go to counseling. Therefore, I thought we were working on the R and that's why I feel so betrayed by his saying last night that he didn't see it working out....
SO, now, how do I set him free AGAIN? I had already told him that love has to be free - that if he wanted a D that it obviously wasn't what I wanted for our family but that I had no choice but to let him go. He also mentioned separating and "dating" which I said I would not be in an open marriage...
Here he sits - at home - yet I "set him free" but there is no improvement in things and he's only here because of logistics???
Wow, CD, Puppy's right...awesome post! I guess I need to decide which road I want to take. The thing is, I thought I'd taken a road and that it had "worked". Apparently not.
SO, what do I do now? I'm thinking of emailing him and calling him out (firmly but not emotionally) on the conversations he is having with other people about the M and such.
Of COURSE I don't want a man that thinks 20 years is disposable and that is willing to throw me aside and who "doesn't love me". I just believe, somewhere, I guess that he does - deep down and that it's worth fighting for. How to fight is the question...
I know it's best to keep to one thread but I'm feeling pretty hopeless and depressed this morning. 