You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[awest1217]

Hey, when you have those down days don't be hard on yourself, just look at what the message is, God does speaks to us in many ways. I think the trick is that we have to listen.

and you can't listen if you are constantly busy, and don't take a few quiet moments to yourself.

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, you're not alone in feeling like you're back to square 1 as far as finding a replacement for STBXW. I feel that way too and in reading other threads several others do too including women.

You know they say things happen when you let go of them? The tighter you grip something the more they struggle. When you loosen the grip they stop struggling so much? Maybe not the right metaphore but what I'm trying to say is that if you stop trying so hard to find a replacement maybe that's when it'll happen.

I do agree with Wii...you do a LOT of stuff, your days and weeks are full of activities. As newmama wrote in her thread there is such a thing as too much GAL relax, give yourself a break, give yourself a day off.

I don't do enough GAL myself and at first staying home was so hard, I wanted to get out and do something but didn't know what and had no plans. Now I can go a couple of days just enjoying the peace and quiet of...well nothing and it's OK. Grab a book, sit outside and read or grill some food, or do some easy gardening or just hang out with a friend doing nothing.

Same with the girls...give them some time to themselves, let them play at home, color, watch a little TV etc - or maybe your STBXW mostly does that with them but still you don't have to keep them moving all the time.

[ClingingToHope]

First day of last week of summer vacation was slow for me. Softball game in morning with girls. After, they wanted to just lay around the apartment until early afternoon.

We went to the health club for two hours then I had another softball game (newspaper has morning and night teams). After, we picked up two of the girls friends to go swimming at my uncle's house.

I'm hoping to rent the house next door and am waiting for a call from property management company on when I can go see it.

Swimming was a good time and the five of us have vegged out here after. D7 has had her moments. Both of the girls staying over want to play with her and fight with each other so it's an interesting dynamic. I stayed out of it and let D7 learn to cope.

D11 and I watched a DVD of old home movies my uncle gave me. It has small clips with my mom and dad, who were long gone when the girls were born.

D11 is big into family. She feels sad when others talk about grandparents. She just has STBXW's mom left.

So it was good seeing video of my parents and getting to tell stories about them.

I had a down moment with D11 earlier in the day. We were at the health club pool and I'm not sure how it came up but she said it hurt her feelings when I told her I didn't want to know what's happening with STBXW or what's going on with the house.

"When you say that it's like you don't care about her at all and I know you do," she said.

I told her I'd try to listen then.

One text from STBXW. She asked if she should drop off D11's tuba for tuba lessons tomorrow. I said yes.

Tomorrow is the pretrial conference on the argument over the settlement amount. I guess we'll see what's next.

Final thing. I had to stop at Walgreens to pick up ear plugs. While I was there I picked up St. John's Wort to give it a try. I read online it has been effective with mild depression. I'm hoping it'll keep the downs from being so down.

Reds win, Reds win. Cardinals and Reds are going to battle it out. BobbiJo is a Cardinals fan.

[BobbiJo]

Go Cards, Go!!!

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting day. How do you know if antidepressants work? I'm trying St. John's Wort to smooth the highs and the lows. Yesterday my L had a pre-trial conference with STBXW's L. They don't like the settlement amount. The fight is over $5k. In some cases here that would be small potatoes. In our case, it's a big deal because all we really have is debt.

Anyway, I thought about it a few times yesterday but didn't obsess, so I guess that's progress.

Girls are still sleeping so I'm enjoying some quiet time. No email from L yet on the conference. I'll post when I know more.

Yesterday, D11 and D7 and two friends and I sat around most of the day, then hit the library. I dropped D7 at the friends' apartment and took D11 to tuba practice and then D11 wanted to hit golf balls. She wants to keep trying sports to be closer to me.

Then we picked up D7 and the friends again to go swimming at my uncle's house.

The friends wanted to stay the night -- again -- I said no. I wanted some peace. It was a good decision. Both girls were tired. D11 spent most of her time watching TV downstairs and D7 watching a movie upstairs and I just kind of rotated.

Weird night. Had a very vivid dream of a coworker. Then woke up in a melancholy mood. Not sure why but I was thinking of when D11 was born. We waited a couple of years to have kids. When we decided to try it was great. It made sex seem important, not just a need, but something to do to accomplish a goal.

When STBXW got pregnant we did the Lamas classes. It was a difficult pregnancy. She was pre-eclamptic and on bed rest the final three months. I had to read to her stomach every morning to get D11 to kick 20 times. I came home for lunch every day to make STBXW lunch and take her on a short walk to the creek in our back yard so she could feed the ducks (it was the middle of the winter).

D11 was two weeks late coming out and STBXW went into the hospital at 9 a.m. and D11 didn't come out until just before 11 p.m. Long day. I still remember when D11 came out they kind of pushed her across STBXW's stomach and she said "it's a baby."

According to STBXW's revised history, she started having doubts about the M six months in. We didn't have D11 until nearly three years in. I know she loved me then so when she says things like that it chips away at what was a great moment.

I so want to find a healthy relationship, one more fulfilling than what the M turned out to be. But the girls are always going to be a complicating factor. At a marriage class I took after we split up the pastor explained that the Wife has to be the central relationship. She comes first and the kids come second.

I didn't do that. The kids came first and STBXW came second. I see why that's wrong and I wonder if it goes back to my own parents' divorce.

But what happens when you do find someone else? Now is that person your No. 1 priority or are the kids -- who never wanted mom and dad to split up in the first place -- the No. 1 priority?

I can see why the statistics say more than 70 percent of second marriages end in divorce. You have people who aren't good at marriage in the first place trying again usually with the complicating factor of existing kids.

I'm not sure what we'll do today. Tomorrow is Great America so I don't want to tire them out too much. Tonight they stay at STBXW's so I'll see her ever so briefly for the third straight day -- ugh. But after tomorrow I shouldn't have to see her again for five, maybe even 12 days depending on whether she plans on picking the girls up from camp next week.

That'll be interesting if she does because D11's camp ends at 4 p.m. every day. It's on STBXW's side of town though. If she does pick them up then I'll just put in extra time at work. A big project that I'm central in rolls out Thursday (and I won't be there because of vacation).

[whatisis]

Interesting day. How do you know if antidepressants work? I'm trying St. John's Wort to smooth the highs and the lows. Yesterday my L had a pre-trial conference with STBXW's L. They don't like the settlement amount. The fight is over $5k. In some cases here that would be small potatoes. In our case, it's a big deal because all we really have is debt.

Anyway, I thought about it a few times yesterday but didn't obsess, so I guess that's progress.

CTH, I'm using St. John's Wort also. I've been using it for almost four weeks. They say 4-6 weeks is the amount of time it takes to kick in but for some people it takes two weeks. My doctor said to stay on it for 4-6 months to see if it makes any difference. It also depends on what dosage you are taking and what brand you are using. I've gone through a naturopath and that way I know I'm taking what I'm supposed to be taking. I thought I'd try SJW because the side effects are usually none to minimal and it's at least as effective as AD's for mild to moderate depression , anxiety and sleep issues. I hope that helps!

[ImprovedRomeo]

I too tried SJW but didn't really seem to make a difference then I read on the 'net somewhere that according to a study they found it was shown effective when taken in 1600mg!! dosage per day after 3 months! that's a lot of SJW since mine's only 300mg per tablet. No wonder I didn't notice any improvement.

But then a lot of people swear by it so who knows.

CTH, that's a touching story about D11 and the history. It's amazing how the WAS's decontruct the history to rewrite their own as it suits them. We all know the truth though.

Interesting about the second marriage thing too...and for that reason I don't think I'll get married again or have more children unless of course I end up marrying some super model who twists my arm - so yes the answer is a definite no

I don't know if the wife/husband is supposed to be the first priority over kids- I think they're both the no 1 priority and you have to manage it that way. Kids need a lot of attention and work in the begining and an understand spouse will feel the same way and help raise the family without making you the second priority. In my case my marriage ended because we sucked at communicating...I wear my emotions on my sleeves but she keeps things inside while pretending we're the happiest couples on earth. She had expectations of me that she never told me or wanted to discuss and over time I started to keep things inside since we lost that communication channel to really let eachother know what was going on with us. So the resentments built up over time (her's way more than mine) and then she exploded and walked away. So our poor communication killed our M.

[ClingingToHope]

Jeez, SR, we had exactly the same marriage.

Couple of quick things. Took the girls to a mini-putt go-kart place. D11 and D7 went there a couple of weeks ago with STBXW and MIL. D11 drove the go-kart on the big track for the first time by herself. She always had to ride with me. STBXW would never even get on the track.

Another first I missed ...

So we went so D11 could show me how she drives. She did very well although a couple of teenagers spun her out.

Then we went mini-putting and a couple of things happen. D7 told me her birthday party (she turns 8 on July 29) is at this place on Aug. 1.

Oh, I told her, I'll miss it. I'll be in Chicago working. STBXW never told me or invited me. D7 was sad because Dll will miss it too. Her week at horse back riding camp starts that day.

I can't change plans. I NEED the $350 I'll earn in two days. I'm taking D7 to Medieval Times on July 28 as our celebration.

Then D11 asked if we could do Laser Tag. I'd already spent $26 so I said no, I promised we would put it on our list and get it in before the end of summer.

She was very, very upset. She said I keep breaking promises. She brought up something about her theater troup I promised two years ago. I don't remember making the particular promise she remembers and I asked her if it was before STBXW and I split up. She said yes and I told her that I wasn't going to be able to do it because the theater troupe basically is STBXW's thing now.

Before, STBXW headed up the costume committee and I headed up marketing. It became a major sticking point. They kept handing me marketing even though I just wanted to help with publicity. STBXW kept taking costume and then spending us into oblivion.

I digress.

D11 told me I should stop making promises because I can't keep them. I asked about other promises and she couldn't remember any others. I didn't know what to say. She also chimed in about D7's birthday. She said STBXW hadn't told me about the party because "that's how she is. She only talks about the divorce and work."

I wanted to ask about that, but I let it go.

Eventually, everyone calmed down and we went to the health club to go swimming. That went well -- two hours in the pool -- and we came home so STBXW could pick them up at 6:30 p.m. True to form, she called at 6:40 p.m. and was just leaving work. She didn't get them until 7 p.m.

I get them back in the morning at 8 p.m. for THE big day of the week -- Great America.

[ClingingToHope]

Arrrgggghhhhh. After three weeks of sunshine it's going to rain all day. So the big trip to Great America will have to hold.

D11 was really upset. I explained to her the tickets are good until the end of October so we'll just go later (although I am out $86 for the FlashPasses). She laid a guilt trip on me -- no day of her summer has been perfect.

I'm not sure how much is pure disappointment and is emotional blackmail.

D7 and I pointed out several other things to do, but we are still sitting and watching TV.

I hate being a disappointment.

[awest1217]

You aren't a disappointment. This whole situation is a disappointment. This is what all the research says about D and kids. It is really hard on them, and if they don't learn to cope with it, they will act out. I would definitely watch her and make an appointment with a C if she does not improve. She is getting close to her teenage years so this will happen more anyway because teenagers blow everything out of proportion, but just hang in there and don't let it get to you. She loves you very much and is just sad about everything happening.

You can't control the weather.