One argument you can give for holding onto the house is that you may want to buy it but you are looking for another job so need some time.
If asked why you want a whole house :
Because I might have kids some day and I don't want them growing up in an apartment. I love that house. I loved it when we bought it and I have some great memories there with you.
Anyhow QS... You haev enough material here to work with. Its only rough drafts, but its enough for you to put some scripts together for tomorrow so you are prepared.
AGain I will warn you NOT to use the "I am doin this for ME" thing with your wife... Its oK for US to say that to you, but your wife will misinterpret and ABUSE that...
Doing for YOU is about maintaining personal integrity, its not a justification to do something hurtful or selfish.
Your WIFE will hear it that way and think this validates her behaviour if you say "I am doin it for me"... she will just think she was cheating "for me" as well...
Anyhow, its very easy to say "I might want to do x iwth my kids one day.. or I am saving this in case I have kids I want to hand it down too, etc..."
Don't mention your wife, just mention kids ... Leave HER to volunteer...
I was thinking of what you said earlier about her pursuing you... She was pursuing these other guys too... I think she likes being the dominant pursuer...
Remember that... SHE wants to pursue... I think... your call... I am only a poster on a forum... But I have my moments
Can I ask you guys something? Why are the mornings the HARDEST?
For me, when I wake up in the morning, EVERY day the horrible reality sets in of my situation. It's like when my brain turns on as I wake up, the FIRST thoughts that come into it are
"She's divorcing you" - "She doesn't want you anymore" - "She's going to be with someone else" - "Why isn't she next to me in bed right now?"
That's how my days start off, and the mornings are terribly hard.
I found out yesterday through intel that she MIGHT be taking a job 3-4 hours away. The pay is a little bit better than she makes now, but the area is rural and VERY cheap for housing.
She said she wants to take it to get away from me and from here.
IF she takes it, it is a VERY long commitment, and I don't see her ever returning to near me at all.
Do any of you think this is a sign of a spouse that is just too far gone for ANYTHING to EVER make a difference?
I am just interested in opinions. It won't change how I GAL and work on me, but it may affect whether or not I choose to have ANY hope for the marriage.
I know I can't change her, but we can CHOOSE to hope for a miracle. But it does cause some pain. However, I was always willing to suffer some pain to keep my hope alive.
But you already know that. When they are cheating they want to get away from YOU. In the case of many cheaters, they have made themself hate you and prove to themself that YOU are the problem, not them.
I really hear all of what you guys are saying. But as I read more and more and more about affairs and WAS I have come to this realization:
SHE seems to be applying (probably unknowingly) the techniques WE are using ourselves.
1) She is out of the house an enormous amount of time 2) She has TONS of friends and family to lean on for support, and uses them 3) She doesn't talk to me except for divorce related matters. She appears to be in "protection" phase 4) She APPEARS very happy alot of the time. But she could be faking it until she makes it too just like me 5) She seems to have accepted her reality as it is and could be happy if it "goes either way".
But for me, it just felt REALLY good to get some attention from women.
Keep getting that type of attention. Don't rub it in her face, and don't $hit where you sleep. If you are going to have a chance with her, she needs to see that part of you again.
Anyhow QS... You haev enough material here to work with. Its only rough drafts, but its enough for you to put some scripts together for tomorrow so you are prepared.
AGain I will warn you NOT to use the "I am doin this for ME" thing with your wife... Its oK for US to say that to you, but your wife will misinterpret and ABUSE that...
Doing for YOU is about maintaining personal integrity, its not a justification to do something hurtful or selfish.
Your WIFE will hear it that way and think this validates her behaviour if you say "I am doin it for me"... she will just think she was cheating "for me" as well...
Anyhow, its very easy to say "I might want to do x iwth my kids one day.. or I am saving this in case I have kids I want to hand it down too, etc..."
Don't mention your wife, just mention kids ... Leave HER to volunteer...
I was thinking of what you said earlier about her pursuing you... She was pursuing these other guys too... I think she likes being the dominant pursuer...
Remember that... SHE wants to pursue... I think... your call... I am only a poster on a forum... But I have my moments
Have a good one... talk to ya tomorrow...
Allan A,
I loved how you mentioned being concerned with the WAS's current "point of view", when we discuss things with them. They may be hearing very different things to them than we are saying.
Less is more obviously in many of these cases. Also being cognizent of how their point of view is hearing things, we can be cognizant of how to say things, how to word them, words or phrases not to use, the type of tone and attitude we should project.
Appears that with many of these WAW's, that communication is not effective at all. That they treat us like somoene they do not trust. Obviously they are protecting their "heart" from their spouse.
I'm looking forward to hearing more.
And QuickSilver264, you have to have those chizled abs and presense of a stud. You have like 80 days.
My personal opinion is you put it together so alot of the females are coming to you.
Can you get a female to call your house up pretending to be interested in you and leave your wife to answer?
You want to tell your wife "No, you just tell her I am not interseted unless my divorce is final. I am not talking to other women right now."
And when she hangs up and asks why this woman is calling :
"My idiot friend knows how difficult you are being about all this and its trying to set me up to make me feel better. That won't and I know it. I am honouring my commitments and I don't need female interference right now. I have projets on the go here anyhow."
I dunno... something like that... Just to see what kind of reaction she offers up...
"Why don't you do this? - referring to something pet related
THEN:
"Are you waiting for me to do XXXXXXX?"
Me - "It's your turn"
"YOU NEED TO TELL ME THESE THINGS!!!!" - Then storms outside mumbling something under her breath.
She is PISSED today. And it REALLY shows. I mean not 5 minutes in the house and her attitude just comes RIGHT out. The look on her face is sheer disgust and anger.
Time to be pleasant, cheery, and find something REALLY REALLY fun to do today.
As you see a WAW doesn't want to tell you $hit. They will treat you like YOU did something wrong.
We don't have a home phone anymore Allen. We canceled it to save money.
I have to reinforce my suit of armor in the next hour or so. And learn how to dodge bullets. Last FC session was horrible in terms of emotional tolls.
I know what I want to say, and THANK YOU ALLEN for the material. I am positive it is going to make her royally mad.
If the kids thing comes up, I am going to tell the FT (not my wife) EXACTLY when I realized I wanted kids. I'll never forget it.
Before work today, I gathered all the pictures from earlier in our relationship that I hadn't scanned. I made the mistake before with my college sweetheart NOT doing that, and I have very little photographic record of my college years. I just realized that the woman in those pictures is NOT who is in front of me. All that love in her eyes is gone, and isn't for me anymore. I had the chance EVERY DAY in between those pictures to avoid this, yet I didn't.
So, I am walking in there today like "I am already dead". Therefore I am going to write my Eulogy I guess (thanks Puppy)
I squandered an amazing marriage at the beginning. My view of marriage was so skewed because of the way I saw my parents interact, that until now I don't think I ever knew how to truly love. Only when faced with losing EVERYTHING I held dear, did I look inward and see who I really was. I couldn't stand that person, so I made a promise to God to really, really change.
All the times she tried and failed just made her hopeless, that by the time I was ready to REALLY try, she was gone. There were literally hundreds of days that I could have done what I am doing now, but I simply chose not to. And now I must live with the death of my marriage.
I'd give ANYTHING to just have one day back in February all over again, when I sealed my fate now. But this is where I am, and I have lost my wife, my house, my dogs, and my future children with the only woman I ever really wanted to marry.
Quicksilver: 2003 - May 2010...
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/19/1009:26 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Your right. It is a different person. In my sitch, and I didn't jump on this to talk about myself... The eyes are different. They eyes and attitude before where congruent with someone who loved me down to the bone.
The eyes I get now are hateful. Also the body language and actions do not give me lots of time or care.
Time management, how do they spend and prioritize their time?
QuickSilver264... Whats obvious is others here have faced the same fate, and have either themself saved themself, or somehow their spouse came to a revelation that they wanted to save their relationship.
I said my pieces, and DID NOT BACK DOWN about selling the house.
And she is calling tomorrow about canceling all the utilities. She said I am doing this "out of revenge".
She said she now wants to move on to her "own place" and is almost definitely taking that job far away. She is just waiting for the paperwork to come through.
I just played a 700$ a month in bills and utilities hand of poker with her. That's not including startup fees AGAIN for the utilities to be in my name.
She kept coming back to "what kind of person I am" and how spiteful and revengeful I can be.
And here is the absolute KICKER:
When talking about the confrontation on Saturday she said:
"It's a power struggle with him. It's almost like he ALWAYS has to have the upper hand. He just won't give up about this, and he's pushing me out of the house."
Quote:
The eyes I get now are hateful. Also the body language and actions do not give me lots of time or care.
And that is EXACTLY what I saw tonight. She is LIVID at me exposing the Facebook guy. "It's NONE of your business what I do now that we're separated".
It really feels like I made things a whole lot worse with all this. But I know that's not the case. She is just so determined and so stubborn that I don't think anything would have ever changed her mind at all. This whole thing has been about me and my dignity and sanity from the beginning.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
